How To Show Up Better For Your Spouse

Recently, I talked about what can make you a better partner. Recognizing the need for such efforts is a giant step toward a healthier relationship. But once you know the steps, you still have to take them. Sometimes, that is precisely where the roadblocks exist. Where and how do you start? Do you really need to make changes or should you wait to see if problems arise?

Simply put, a healthy partnership does not happen by accident. It requires lots of desire and effort. Both partners must commit to what is a long-term, ever-evolving project. Let’s take a closer look at how to make this happen.

Do the Work

As touched on above, this is the foundation. You won’t always get it right, but you just keep trying. Demonstrate, through your actions and your words, that being a better partner is important to you. It’s a major priority in your life. Such a commitment is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. But it is a clear sign that you get it.

It helps to recognize that being a better partner is not a destination. There is no finish line. You wake up, wipe the slate clean, and start again. If this sounds onerous, keep in mind how wonderful the rewards are.

Communicate

• Frequently

• Directly

• Respectfully

• Face-to-face

You can’t have a relationship without some conflict. However, conflict is far more likely if you’re not practicing healthy communication. Virtually any situation or crisis can be managed when both partners are expressing their thoughts and emotions in a mature manner. Keep the lines of communication open.

Go Above and Beyond

Even the happiest couples can fall into a rut. Things settle into a routine and you may inadvertently take each other for granted. A powerful way to prevent this tendency is to keep looking for ways to challenge the ordinary. Go out of your way to do the right thing.

Discover new ways to express your appreciation, gratitude, lust, and love. Don’t be afraid of being corny. Let your partner know they are always on your mind. It’s not about spending money or putting on a show (although, it can be sometimes). The idea here is to remind them how much they mean to you in a fresh and authentic manner.

Improve Your Listening Skills

Everyone wants to feel heard. They want to be understood and validated. A big part of showing up as a better partner is appreciating this need. And it starts with listening. A few factors to keep in mind:

• It’s more than just waiting for your turn to talk

• Be attentive, make eye contact, and ask questions if appropriate

• Check your body language, gestures, and facial expressions

• Use nonverbal cues to signal that you’re listening

• Do not interrupt

Perhaps most importantly, stay curious. Relationships can fall into a rhythm. You may feel certain you can predict what your partner is about to say. You may also be preparing a way to state your disagreement. Instead, try keeping an open mind. You might learn something new—including something new about your partner!

Schedule Together Time

Life is hectic. The easiest excuse in the world for not stepping up is “I’m so busy.” If that’s the case, get out our schedules and plan quality time together. Leave nothing to chance. Put away your devices. Get a babysitter if you must. But never, ever postpone your partner.

If this feels impossible, there’s a short-term solution. Commit together to couples counseling. This places you together once a week. Such a setting allows for productive conversations and exploration through the pretense of an unbiased guide. You’ll both become better partners!

If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.

4 Ways To Be a Better Partner

Why did you click on the headline of this post? I can safely assume it has something to do with your desire to improve and enhance your relationship. After all, who doesn’t want to be a better partner? The tricky part is defining what you mean by “better.” Relationships are complex bonds with so many moving parts. How exactly does one get better at this?

Of course, there is no single way to address this goal. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t some universal concepts to consider. So, let’s explore those concepts before we get to the list!

What Makes a Good Partner?

Again, this can be very much in the eye of the beholder. That said, here are a few ingredients to consider:

• Positive energy

• Self-awareness

• Gratitude

• Compassion

This is not to say you can never screw up or have a bad day. The goal instead is to find attributes that can guide you when things aren’t going smoothly. The four listed here are a good start. People want to be around others who can find a positive spin. They value humility and they want to feel appreciated.

Perhaps most of all, we all need to know that our own transgressions will be met with empathy and compassion. How then can you embody these ingredients on a daily basis?

4 Ways You Can Be a Better Partner

1. Commit to Healthy Communication

This will be your foundation. Through good times and bad, you and your partner will need to communicate in a healthy manner. Productive communication combines so many positive traits. You learn to listen, validate, trust, retain, and resolve conflict.

Ideally, your communication as a couple happens in real-time and in person. Don’t leave things to chance with texts or social media messages. Prioritize each other by being fully present for the conversations that shape your lives.

2. Accept Change

It’s tempting to reach a happy point where you wish everything could just stay precisely as is. Not only is this impossible, but it also is not as appealing as it seems. Change is what keeps every relationship strong and fresh.

No two people stay exactly the same and, believe me, that’s a good thing. Embracing this reality is one way to help your connection evolve and grow over time.

3. Be Vulnerable

For a relationship to thrive, both partners must be willing to open up. They must be willing to trust. This can be scary stuff, but it’s like glue when it comes to your bond.

Both partners need to see their relationship as a safe space. They need to feel that they can let their guard down and be vulnerable. Such openness invites the spouses to communicate more openly and roll with the inevitable changes.

4. Take Care of Yourself

Self-love is a powerful practice. It can help create the above-mentioned self-awareness. Some portrayals of a happy couple involve what appears to be martyrdom for each other. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

You are two discrete individuals who are also part of a couple. Therefore, it is non-negotiable that you practice self-care. This could mean:

• Literal self-care safeguarding your health through daily choices

• The setting, enforcing, and respecting of boundaries

• Cultivating an independent life with your own interests, beliefs, and social life

• Celebrating your strengths while working on what needs improvement

How To Start

Sure, There are these 4 ways you can improve as a partner. But how do you start? Here’s the TLDR: focus. There seems to be so much, it can be hard to start. I tell clients to start the day with intention. Pick one thing you want to get better at today. Then focus on that this morning. Then rinse and repeat.

It Helps to Have an Unbiased Guide

What if you think you’re doing fine but your partner disagrees? Or the reverse? Couples counseling puts you in the position to have your interactions witnessed and analyzed. Your weekly sessions serve as opportunities to better understand each other and thus, yourselves as partners.

If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.

Is It Bad If We Fight In Therapy?

Let’s get something out of the way right off the bat. It’s not uncommon for a couple to fight during therapy. Couples disagree and sometimes, that leads to conflict—regardless of the location. In particular, couples therapy is designed to draw out underlying issues and unspoken truths. So it happens and there’s no reason to feel shame or fear about such a scenario.

The essence of fighting is that both people are attempting to “break through” to the other person or “calm down” the distress in the fight. As one person tries harder to “break through,” the other person tries to “calm down” even more, causing a spiraling pattern. I talk about it in my article on spiraling.

As with all conflict, it could even turn out to have hidden benefits. Too many of us are conditioned to see fighting as the first step toward a break-up. I like to think of it as an opportunity to re-organize. Have you ever seen a road being repaired? There might be some “deconstruction” in the initial phases as the workers prepare the surface for a new concrete or asphalt segment. It looks a mess, but it’s a necessary part of reorganizing and making something better.

Learning What To Do With Anger

Tensions are running high and the stakes feel even higher. Both partners want to be heard and validated and reassured. This is often because both of you “see” the other person as the enemy. This is because there’s an injury for both of you. Maybe you’re seeing your spouse or partner shut down. That can feel like they’re giving you the silent treatment. Maybe you’re seeing your spouse get really loud. That can feel threatening. As one example, these both can be a result of overwhelm.

Fortunately, there is no better environment for this kind of resentment to surface. You may be fighting with your spouse or you may feel like they’re picking a fight with you. In either case, you are in the presence of someone specifically trained to handle contentiousness. As mentioned above, you will quite likely end up learning a whole lot from the experience.

What to Keep in Mind If You Fight During Couples Therapy

Very few people want to fight. Even fewer want to be involved in a confrontation that involves raised voices, accusations, and worse. Fighting in front of your therapist, however, can be the ideal way to make progress and develop skills. To follow, I’ll offer just some of the potential benefits and lessons available to you:

The Importance of Taking a Break

If you and your partner have slid into a cycle of fighting, it can feel like the argument never ends. Part of this is because no breaks are taken. Everyone needs a “time-out” every now and then. Stepping away to cool down and regroup reduces the odds of a disagreement trying into a battle.

When the conflict happens in a session, it is a golden opportunity to examine:

• The patterns each of you fall into

• How the fight makes you feel

• Listening skills

• Body language

• Word choices

Conflict De-Escalation

In your sessions, all three of you can speak theoretically about conflict resolution. When a fight happens, all that theory must be translated into practice. Here is some tools I help clients use:

• Why going slower will let you go faster.

• Using Terry Real’s Method of the Feedback Wheel.

• The Importance of cooling off and how to do it.

Without an unbiased mediator, it can be tricky to see past the emotions. Within the context of a couples therapy session, such analyses flows more naturally.

Giving Your Therapist a Closer Look

As the first two benefits and lessons highlight, this scenario gives your therapist a window into your relationship. This is not to say you should pick a fight in therapy.

However, if that happens, it can assist the counselor in offering more valuable input. This turns a negative moment into something positive.

Your Therapist is Not Judging You or Taking Sides

When I witness a couple fighting in a session, I’m not looking to assign blame. I’m carefully watching as your dynamics play out in the heat of the moment. Again, you need not feel shame.

Partners inevitably clash and this is not automatically a bad omen. Fighting in therapy is a chance to better understand what you argue about and how you fight. It also provides a glimpse into the state of your conflict resolution skills.

Therapy is a Workshop

During your sessions, you can let down your guard and take some chances. This is often the path toward progress and repair. I invite you to take the first step on this important journey. If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.

It's Hard to Let Go of an Unhealthy Relationship

We get into a relationship. Things begin to palpably turn sour. But we stay. We know it’s not good. People in our life warn us. But we stay. It’s one of the strangest paradoxes in human behavior. We all know someone who has been in this situation. That “someone” might even be us.

Why is it so hard to let go of an unhealthy relationship?

Needless to say, everyone’s situation is different. If you have reasons for staying in your relationship and it continues to be an unhealthy dynamic, get help. Not everyone can change out a blown head gasket in a car engine. Same with relationships.

When things are bad, getting professional help can change the trajectory of your relationship. But if you’ve tried getting help and things are still not resolving, your partner isn’t accepting responsibility. This piece is about what gets in the way of finally “calling it.”

Fear of Being Alone

This factor deserves its own section. I’ve spoken to countless people who later felt they “stayed too long.” Loneliness is a frequent and important factor. Being alone can feel unacceptable for a variety of reasons, e.g.

• You measure self-worth by your relationship status

• Social media culture makes you feel abnormal if you’re single

• All your friends are in a relationship

• You identify so strongly with being partnered that you genuinely don’t know who you are as a single person

Then, of course, is a simple fact that you sometimes (or often) feel lonely. This can create a “better than nothing” perspective on your current relationship. The fear of being alone overwhelms your feelings of unhappiness and being stuck. Then, there are fears that developed long before you realized what was happening.

As a young child, you may have developed an anxious attachment. An unreliable caregiver (usually a parent) did not or could not meet your needs. This creates an attachment style that follows you in adulthood. You unconsciously seek out incompatible partners and attempt to repair the scars from your youth. Being alone, in your mind, is simply not an option.

4 More Reasons Why Is It So Hard to Let Go of an Unhealthy Relationship

1. “I stayed this long.”

There’s the concept of “sunk-loss.” As time passes, you commit a fair amount of energy to your partnership. Why quit now, you wonder. Sticking around and trying to “figure things out” appears to be far more palatable than starting again from scratch.

2. “I can change them.”

It’s the eternal hope that your partner will change and everything will improve. Such a mindset makes it harder for you to recognize red flags. You’re too busy fantasizing about great things will be once your partner has transformed into your ideal image of them.

3. “I can fix this.”

Some people thrive as “fixers.” Your relationship is crumbling around you, but you see it as a challenge. You’re not a quitter and, perhaps, you’d be mortified to fail so publicly. You do more and more and more. Nothing changes, but you believe it’s only because you just haven’t found the secret formula.

4. “What if I’m wrong?”

An emotionally abusive partner will manipulate you into not believing your own eyes. When you are being gaslighted like that, you begin to doubt yourself. When friends point out issues, you vehemently defend your partner. You may go as far as seeing yourself as the reason why the relationship is a disaster.

How Couples Counseling Can Help

Working with a skilled, unbiased guide is an excellent choice in a situation like this. You can learn invaluable skills like:

• Setting boundaries

• Prioritizing yourself

• Processing grief and loss

• Reinventing your attachment style

As you work on yourself, you can directly address that primal fear of being alone. You can find new perspectives, new patterns, and new approaches. You’re not doomed to an endless cycle of toxic, unfulfilling bonds. Let’s connect to talk more about the possibilities.

If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, swing by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.

The One Concept Couples Miss

Here’s the TLDR: Stop thinking about what you or your partner can do individually in your relationship and start thinking about what both of you can do together.

When you were dating your spouse or partner, did you think in terms of “matching?” Did you compare your vinyl record collection? Did you talk about your love of Oscar Wilde or William Butler Yeats? When you’re dating, you can be obsessed with “the right match.” It is so common to have the mentality that “I just need to find someone with enough commonality that it works.” But it’s dangerous to keep using this concept as the thing that binds you.

If you forget the “us,” you can only think in me or them. You miss the team. You can think,”I wish she would talk to me when she’s angry,” or ,“If only I could do something different instead of freeze when she complains.”

Both of these approaches recognize the role of the individuals, but don’t recognize the impact of the relationship in changing the way you two relate. It fails to recognize that even if you’re trying to do something different for the relationship, you can enlist the help of your partner to do it.

Stronger United

To understand the power of “Us,” let’s understand when you’re thinking me/them vs. me/them/us

What do you say to yourself when you’re in a you, me mentality?

When you only think about you/me

• She needs to stop badgering me so much.

• If only I could just not get so angry when she says,”You’re out of line!”

• Why can’t I say anything when we’re fighting?

What do you say to yourself when you’re thinking you, me, us?

You/Me/Us: Enlisting the help of your relationship allows you to do much more.

• I really want to hear you, but I’m getting overwelmed. I want to slow this conversation down because I want to hear you.

• I’m triggered right now because of what you just said. I need some time to calm down.

• I’m “stuck” in my head. I need to go for a run, then maybe we can check in?

This Is Enlistment

In each of these examples, you’re shifting from what individuals could do into asking the other person for help. Both of you have a chance to “team up” in overcoming a dynamic that both of you are experiencing. It means digging in deep to tell the other person a more vulnerable thing - that you’re overwelmed, that you want to hear them, or that you’re stuck.

The benefit to this enlistment isn’t just extricating yourself out of one dynamic - it’s an increase in trust, because that person was able to respond to you. They are showing that they’re responsive and engaged, two of the three things people in relationship want most from their partner.

Asking for Help

If you’re needing help in being more of a team and operating from a “we” rather from a you or me, I’m here to help. You can look at my Couples and Marriage Counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota and want help working through your arguments, you can contact me at 612.230.7171 or email me through my contact page, or click the button below to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.