A couple sits across from me, mid-argument. She's explaining why she's upset—something about feeling dismissed when she brought up a concern earlier that week. He's nodding. His body is still. He looks like he's listening.

But I've been doing this long enough to see what's actually happening. His jaw is tight. His eyes keep darting to the side. He's not absorbing what she's saying—he's building his counterargument. He's waiting for her to finish so he can explain why she's wrong.

She can feel it too. That's why her voice is getting louder. That's why she keeps repeating herself. She's not being heard, and she knows it.

This is one of the most common patterns I see in couples therapy—and one of the most destructive. Both people are talking, but no one is actually listening. And here's the paradox most couples don't understand: the fastest way to end the fight is to stop trying to win it.

There's a scene I see in my office constantly.

A couple sits across from me, and one partner says something like: "You NEVER listen to me. You're so selfish."

The other partner's face tightens. "I'm selfish? Are you kidding? I do EVERYTHING around here while you just criticize."

"Oh, here we go with the victim act again," the first partner says, rolling their eyes.

The second partner crosses their arms, looks away, and goes silent.

And just like that, in less than 60 seconds, I've witnessed all four of what relationship researcher John Gottman calls "The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse"—the communication patterns that predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.

Criticism. Contempt. Defensiveness. Stonewalling.

Because here's what most couples don't understand: Appreciation in marriage isn't about being polite. It's about strategic reinforcement of the behaviors you want more of. And the research—from marriage counseling studies, animal behavior, organizational leadership—all points to the same conclusion: positive reinforcement doesn't just make your spouse feel good. It literally shapes behavior in ways that punishment and criticism never can.

Your partner dreads family gatherings this Thanksgiving? Here's how to be supportive without dismissing their feelings or causing family drama.

And just like that, we're off. What started as a disagreement about bedtime routines has become a referendum on who's the better parent, who cares more, who's damaging the kids.

Parenting conflicts between partners aren't just disagreements—they're some of the most emotionally loaded fights couples have…

You can’t have a healthy relationship without accountability.
It’s that simple — and that hard.

It’s easy to point the finger at your partner, to focus on what they need to do differently. But real change begins when you’re willing to look at yourself — your tone, your reactions, the ways you protect yourself that also hurt the person you love.

When you take ownership of your part, you stop being a victim of the relationship and start becoming a participant in its healing.

Here's what the "logical" partner will often say to me when the other steps out: "Look, I'm just the logical one in the relationship. They're the emotional one. That's how we work. I keep things calm, they feel things deeply. It's just our dynamic."

And here's what I need to say—and maybe to you, if you've ever said something similar:

That's not a dynamic. That's avoidance.

Let me tell you what one of my goals is for every couple that walks through my door:

I want you both to get really, really good at imperfect action.

Not perfect communication. Not flawless vulnerability. Not ideal conflict resolution.

What is imperfect Action? Clumsy attempts. Awkward apologies. Moments of vulnerability that dissolve into defensiveness halfway through. Trying something new and landing it badly.

…And they're off—locked into an argument that feels familiar, infuriating, and completely beside the point.

The Fight You're Having Isn't the Fight You Need to Have

Let me be direct: This argument about calendars and ADHD is a waste of both of your time and energy.

From a Relational Life Therapy perspective, both Sarah and Mike are operating from their "adaptive child" parts—the reactive, self-protective parts of themselves that show up when they feel threatened. Sarah is criticizing and blaming. Mike is defending and deflecting. Neither one is accessing their "wise adult"—the part that can be honest, vulnerable, and accountable.

Here's what I wish more couples understood about apologies: they don't have to be perfect to be powerful.

I've watched countless couples get stuck in the same cycle. One partner messes up. The other partner waits for an apology. The first partner either doesn't apologize at all, or gives an apology that lands with a thud. Then both people feel more frustrated than before.

The problem isn't usually a lack of caring. It's that most of us were never actually taught how to apologize in a way that helps our partner feel truly heard and validated.

Let me name something that nobody wants to hear but everyone needs to understand: sometimes the hardest part about healing your relationship is that you were the one who got hurt, and now you have to do the hard work of healing.

It feels deeply unfair. And you know what? It is.

You're the one who was betrayed, dismissed, abandoned, or wounded. You're the one who's been carrying this pain. And now someone's telling you that you need to step up and actively participate in the healing process?

Yes. And I know how much that stings.

Most people become defensive with good intentions.

You’re not trying to start a fight—you’re trying to end one.
You’re trying to get your partner to understand where you’re coming from.
To see your side of the story.
To realize that they’ve misunderstood you.

But here’s the problem:

Defensiveness doesn’t stop arguments.
It fuels them.

In most couples, there are moments when one partner needs extra support. But what happens when both of you are in that space? When you’re both navigating difficult terrain—be it mental health challenges, stressful work situations, aging parents, or the relentless demands of parenting—how do you stay connected while you both need help?

This isn’t just hard. It’s messy. It’s vulnerable. And—if you can navigate it—it’s deeply meaningful.

When couples talk about a "lack of desire," they often assume something is wrong in the bedroom. But more often, the problem started long before anyone took their clothes off.

Desire Needs a Safe Place to Land

Desire thrives in a climate of emotional safety—where you feel respected, known, and accepted. If you feel emotionally exposed or chronically misunderstood, it’s incredibly hard to want intimacy.

There’s a moment in every hard conversation where you have a choice:
Do you say what you’re really feeling—or do you go with the safer, sharper edge?

Most of us choose the latter.
We get frustrated.
We feel annoyed.
We sound angry.

Not because that’s the deepest truth—
but because it feels less vulnerable than saying something like:

“I’m scared you don’t love me anymore.”

When couples sit down to repair after a painful moment, one of the most common pitfalls is blending two very different conversations into one:

1. How I apologize for the hurt I caused

2. What was going on for me that led me to act the way I did

At first glance, it seems efficient to talk about both at once. But in reality, combining them often backfires.

We’ve all done it.
Your partner seems upset, so you say something like:

• “You’re angry.”

• “You’re overreacting.”

• “You’re just jealous.”

It might feel like you’re trying to name what’s going on and get the conversation moving. But instead, you watch their defenses rise and the discussion turn into a fight.

In many heterosexual relationships, there’s a dynamic I see in my therapy office again and again:
For many men, sex is love.

That doesn’t mean it’s the only way they experience love, but it’s often the most direct, embodied, and reliable way they feel emotionally connected to their partner. For them, sexual intimacy isn’t just about physical pleasure—it’s about pair bonding, reassurance, and feeling close.

Talking about sex might be one of the most vulnerable things you can do in a relationship. Not because sex itself is inherently taboo—but because at its core, talking about sex means talking about you. Your desires. Your fears. The parts of you that most crave connection, and the parts that most fear rejection.

It’s no wonder so many couples avoid these conversations altogether.

We often think of ADHD as a diagnosis marked by distractibility, impulsivity, and trouble focusing. This is a great way of thinking of individual ramifications of ADHD. But one of the most overlooked — and arguably most disruptive — aspects of ADHD in relationships is emotional dysregulation.