Recently, I talked about what can make you a better partner. Recognizing the need for such efforts is a giant step toward a healthier relationship. But once you know the steps, you still have to take them. Sometimes, that is precisely where the roadblocks exist. Where and how do you start? Do you really need to make changes or should you wait to see if problems arise?
Simply put, a healthy partnership does not happen by accident. It requires lots of desire and effort. Both partners must commit to what is a long-term, ever-evolving project. Let’s take a closer look at how to make this happen.
Do the Work
As touched on above, this is the foundation. You won’t always get it right, but you just keep trying. Demonstrate, through your actions and your words, that being a better partner is important to you. It’s a major priority in your life. Such a commitment is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. But it is a clear sign that you get it.
It helps to recognize that being a better partner is not a destination. There is no finish line. You wake up, wipe the slate clean, and start again. If this sounds onerous, keep in mind how wonderful the rewards are.
Communicate
Frequently
Directly
Respectfully
Face-to-face
You can’t have a relationship without some conflict. However, conflict is far more likely if you’re not practicing healthy communication. Virtually any situation or crisis can be managed when both partners are expressing their thoughts and emotions in a mature manner. Keep the lines of communication open.
Go Above and Beyond
Even the happiest couples can fall into a rut. Things settle into a routine and you may inadvertently take each other for granted. A powerful way to prevent this tendency is to keep looking for ways to challenge the ordinary. Go out of your way to do the right thing.
Discover new ways to express your appreciation, gratitude, lust, and love. Don’t be afraid of being corny. Let your partner know they are always on your mind. It’s not about spending money or putting on a show (although, it can be sometimes). The idea here is to remind them how much they mean to you in a fresh and authentic manner.
Improve Your Listening Skills
Everyone wants to feel heard. They want to be understood and validated. A big part of showing up as a better partner is appreciating this need. And it starts with listening. A few factors to keep in mind:
It’s more than just waiting for your turn to talk
Be attentive, make eye contact, and ask questions if appropriate
Check your body language, gestures, and facial expressions
Use nonverbal cues to signal that you’re listening
Do not interrupt
Perhaps most importantly, stay curious. Relationships can fall into a rhythm. You may feel certain you can predict what your partner is about to say. You may also be preparing a way to state your disagreement. Instead, try keeping an open mind. You might learn something new—including something new about your partner!
Schedule Together Time
Life is hectic. The easiest excuse in the world for not stepping up is “I’m so busy.” If that’s the case, get out our schedules and plan quality time together. Leave nothing to chance. Put away your devices. Get a babysitter if you must. But never, ever postpone your partner.
If this feels impossible, there’s a short-term solution. Commit together to couples counseling. This places you together once a week. Such a setting allows for productive conversations and exploration through the pretense of an unbiased guide. You’ll both become better partners!
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.