How much is too much? I’ve been talking a lot about relationship conflict lately and why not? It’s common and it can be a common problem. On top of that, as I have highlighted, “fight” is usually in the eye of the beholder. A minor spat to one couple could feel catastrophic to another. Therefore, when examining your own habits, keep this in mind.
There is no universal standard for “fighting too much,” but there can be universal barometers. Are you brushing off conflict as normal rather than exploring it? Are you mistaking denial for peace? As you can see, this is a complex question to answer.
What is fighting, anyway?
Though it may seem obvious, I want to give a perspective of of a couples therapist. I define a fight as an escalating conflict that eventually drops one or both people into fight, flight, or freeze. Often times, this means that both people end up seeming like the “enemy” from a nervous system standpoint. What does that mean?
Triggered
When people start treating their loved ones as enemies, it’s usually because they’ve been been triggered. When I talk about what a trigger is, I say that it’s something that happens in the present day that’s close enough to something in your past that’s dropped you into fight, flight, or freeze.
Triggers are there to help you deal with future threats more quickly. I use the example that if a bush rustles, and a bear jumps out, if you survive, the next time a bush rustles, you will run immediately. This adaptation helps us respond to future threats faster. But this isn’t good for our relationships because we’re dropping into fighting our spouse or partner faster, or running away from them faster.
Protecting Yourself = Hurting Your Spouse Or Partner
In that moment, we might be protecting ourselves, but it ends up damaging our relationship. In truth, it’s not even good for us - it just helps us “fight or run away from the bear.” (which doesn’t actually exist). You may drop into shame for yelling at your partner again. Or you may be feeling more distant from your partner because you shut down in your last argument. This triggered response results in injury to your relationship and emotional injury to your partner.
A Few Ways to Tell if You’re Fighting Too Much With Your Partner
Sarcasm and Criticism Became a Form of Communication
It’s a trope of sitcoms and romantic comedies that happy couples never stop with the put-downs. Do not let life imitate art. Arguing is not a language. However, it can be used as a couple’s personal dialect. This happens when they are harboring resentment, but will not discuss the root issues. Criticism and sarcasm will only deepen the negative energy.
You Dwell on It Afterward
A healthy couple can have a tiff and end up laughing it off. You’re probably fighting too much if you can’t stop thinking about what was said and done. When the arguing is too much, it feels like a permanent mood.
Walking on Eggshells
Do you find yourself holding back what you think in the name of avoiding a fight? Are you physically and emotionally exhausted from the conflicts? Perhaps one or both of you is afraid to bring anything up because you feel certain it will result in an argument. A couple should be able to disagree without such fears emerging.
You Involve Other People
Except in extreme cases of abuse, this is rarely a good idea. Sure, it feels good to vent and complain about how annoying your partner can be. But this sets a negative tone and intention. The griping and sharing reduce the likelihood that you’ll get to a place where you can understand each other’s perspectives. The momentum is going in the wrong direction.
You Involve Other People on Social Media
The momentum I just mentioned can turn this fight into entertainment. Whether it’s a post or a private message, there is very, very rarely a good reason to publicly castigate your other half. Yes, again, there is a temporary satisfaction when you get vicarious validation. But the real goal is a healthy resolution with your partner.
You Lose Sight of What Healthy Conflict Feels Like
It’s a bad sign when you can’t tell productive disagreements from counterproductive conflict. It also probably means you are buried in an avalanche of way too much fighting.
One or Both of You is Numb to the Routine
How often do you or your partner—or both—end up shrugging and saying “whatever”?
Other Red Flags to Watch Out For
You no longer feel respected
Despite all the fighting, nothing seems to improve
The fights interrupt or prevent the good times
You feel like you could recite each other’s lines from memory
Today’s fight feels like a continuation of yesterday’s fight
You’re interjecting points from past arguments into new conflicts
There’s a slow but clear transition to abusiveness in your interactions
So, What Does This All Mean?
You might still be wondering: Well, do we or do we not fight too much? I can help you with that important assessment. I invite you to make contact and set up a free and confidential consultation. Let’s work together to bring some peace and resolution to your relationship.