Laws banning “interracial marriages” were only declared unconstitutional in the US in 1967 in the Loving vs. Virginia case. Within a half-century, it has grown to 15% of all marriages being one of mixed race or ethnicity. Clearly, many old barriers have been knocked down. But this doesn’t mean smooth sailing is guaranteed.
Some Common Challenges Faced by Bicultural Partners
Stereotyping: This may range from negative depictions in pop culture to misinformation from the news media to online bullying and trolling.
Racism: Racism doesn’t have to mean seeing a Klansman marching on your street. It can be much more subtle. May people of color have had the experience of being followed by security at a store. Some may have adapted to this by doing things like leaving their jackets in the car even in 0 degree weather just to avoid harassment.
Face-to-face hostility: The above stereotyping can escalate to a wide range of public behaviors, e.g. facing insults, being stared at, dealing with rude questions, and more.
Isolation (especially from your families): People in your inner circle may choose to judge your differences quite harshly. You might even lose contact with friends, be rejected by family members, and experience a general feeling of isolation.
Misunderstanding of important cultural markers: Everything from what you’re called in your family to how kids speak to parents can be triggers in your fights. This often times is because the meaning behind these cultural phenomena aren’t understood by your partner. Having your partner inadvertently ignore or trample on a cultural norm can be a trigger, setting off a larger argument.
Child-Related Challenges Faced by Bicultural Partners
The questions and the possibilities seem endless. For example, you may be asking each other:
Will we have a distinct family tradition? If so, how will we choose one over the other?
What about important cultural expressions like wardrobe, dietary choices, holidays, language, and so on?
Should the children attend a particular type of school? How can we supplement whatever education they get?
Will there be a singular family religion and how do we make such a big decision?
Will our children develop their own distinct sense of identity?
All the above (and more) have the potential to put a strain on your connection. This makes it imperative that both partners enter into this marriage with eyes and minds wide open. A few suggestions:
Frequent, healthy communication will be your foundation
Do not avoid tough conversations
Connect (online or in-person) with other couples who are navigating intermarriage
Commit to premarital counseling (see below)
Bicultural Marriage Has Its Benefits
If they remain open to it, bicultural partners will experience far more than just the challenges above. First and foremost, there is the simple fact that you have chosen love over expectations. This bold assertion can carry you through many tough experiences. This is not to say, “All you need is love.” However, it is to declare that love can indeed overcome biases and narrow-mindedness.
In addition, intermarriage offers you the opportunity to:
Learn a new culture from the inside out (including, perhaps, being multi-lingual)
Develop a deeper sense of empathy and tolerance for differences
Give your children a multi-cultural upbringing and thus influence them to be more open and accepting
Create a safe space for everyone involved
Lead by example
Couples Counseling and a Bicultural Marriage
Like it or not, the bicultural couple will likely have a lot more work to do than others. You not only are dealing with all the normal, inevitable, and often difficult aspects of a relationship. You are also required to:
Accept some unusual reactions to your couple-dom
Find ways to respect each other’s heritage
Stay open to having differences
Create new traditions, beliefs, and values along the way
Premarital counseling can be a powerful bridge from you asking all these questions to you putting everything into action. I’d love to help guide you on this tricky but glorious path of love. Let’s connect for a free consultation.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.