Conflict has a bad reputation. Sure, it’s earned some of it, but things are more complex than that. Disagreement is a normal part of life. Within the context of a relationship, conflict is inevitable. Whether it is healthy depends on a broad range of factors. The short version goes like this: If you and your partner handle conflict in a healthy way, the entire experience can be healthy.
For the most part, it is quite obvious when conflict is causing problems in your life. However, it’s not always apparent if and how conflict is doing something good for you and your spouse.
How Conflict Becomes Unhealthy
It often comes down to how negative the two of you get when you argue. Renowned psychologist John Gottman warns us of what he calls “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse”:
Criticism
Defensiveness
Contempt
Stonewalling
The presence of these factors does not bode well for any relationship. They make everything feel worse—literally. Your body is hard-wired to respond to threats. The Four Horsemen threaten your connection and, thus, send us into survival mode. In such a state, it’s rare that anything positive can happen.
Here’s How to Know When Conflict is Constructive
The absence of fighting is not and should never be the goal. If you’re that couple that “never fights,” it means important emotions are being repressed. Again, fights are normal. What matters more is how they happen. Constructive conflict usually involves:
Respectful dialogue regardless of the presence of anger
Using “I” statements instead of “you” statements
Active listening with an open mind
Eschewing criticism and/or bringing up the past
Focusing on repairs
Conflict exists as a warning. It is letting you both know that change and/or compromise are required. This can be an incredibly positive and healthy moment for your relationship.
4 Things to Keep in Mind About Conflict
1. Look Deeper to Identify the Underlying Causes
Sometimes, a couple argues about washing dishes. Most of the time, they argue about surface issues as a “safe” way to let out resentment over deeper problems. When you’ve both cooled down, it is advised that you have a calm, honest conversation about your individual perceptions of your day-to-day life.
2. Conflict is a Powerful Reminder of How Bonded You Are
What you each say, think, and do very much affects the other. What a powerful way to recognize your bond. You can have different goals and ideas at times, but you remain connected. In good times, you may take this for granted. Conflict is a stark reminder of how to be a better partner.
3. It Can Increase Your Trust and Intimacy
Constructive conflict is a test of sorts. It challenges a couple to reexamine how they’re doing in terms of mutual respect, communication, honoring boundaries, and more. Conflict, when handled in a healthy way, prompts us to appreciate that we can disagree but come out stronger.
4. It’s Good For You
As you experience and navigate conflict, you are given an opportunity to grow. You learn to focus more specifically on being patient and loving. It’s also a form of relief for each of you. When you have a “load on your mind,” healthy conflict can lighten that load. This is immensely important for your physical and mental well-being.
When Conflict Feels Unhealthy
None of the above is meant to imply that conflict resolution is easy. Before you risk sharing space with those Four Horsemen, ask for help. I have helped countless couples develop new approaches to their disagreements and potential arguments. If you feel that conflict is ruling the day, I invite you to reach out today.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, swing by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.