Do you want a healthy relationship? Of course, you do. But why, then, are you hanging onto habits that make it impossible to keep your relationship healthy? The reality remains that we often get ourselves stuck in cycles of counterproductive behaviors. They become habits, in a way. We don’t consciously choose this path. Therefore, such patterns may not even be visible to us.
With all that in mind, it can be incredibly helpful to ponder some of the most common, yet unhealthy habits partners can internalize. As you peruse the list below, you might find yourself nodding or even shaking your head. You may also be spurred to see other habits that you’ll want to break.
10 Habits to Break If You Want a Healthy Relationship
1. Shape-Shifting
In an attempt to be loved more, you change yourself. This might mean your appearance. Or, more likely, it centers around your thoughts, opinions, values, and beliefs. At first, you may not even notice it. You can convince yourself that the relationship is changing you—as it will. But take a closer look to make sure you’re not trying to fit into a box to appear more lovable.
2. Hellos and Goodbyes
Are you both leaving and entering your home without acknowledging each other? Smiles, kisses, gentle touch, eye contact, and nicknames are essential. Why? They are bids for connection. In John Gottman’s work on couples actually found that newlyweds who were still together turned towards each other in times of trouble 86% of the time vs. couples who were split apart, who turned towards each other 33% of the time. Look at that blog article for a primer on thinking about connections and making bids for connection.
I want to put a finer point on this. John Gottman has been studying couples since the late 70’s. In the beginning, he took video, blood samples, ECG, heart rate, urine samples, etc. He found that what mattered were the ways people behaved. That shouldn’t be a surprise to you, yet it can be in the moment. When you walk in and don’t greet your loved one and walk straight to the living room to watch TV or on your phone, it’s not neutral. It’s hurtful. As John Gottman watched couples interact, he would record each behavior and write them down as positive, neutral, or negative. In his research, these “missed bids” were negative. They were taken as injuries by each person in the couple. This is why hellos and goodbyes are important.
3. Spying
When your partner takes a shower, do you peek at their phone? If so, this may mark the presence of:
Anxiety - See my blog post on “Relationship Problems Caused by Your Anxiety”
Distrust - Have you experienced a betrayal? Are you being hypervigilant? Betrayal doesn’t have to just look like a physical affair. It can be an emotional affair. Or it can be the other person doing something that’s not agreed upon in your relationship. They can be spending money in a way that doesn’t sit right with you. Or, they can be drinking or consuming drugs in a way that doesn’t sit right with you. If you’ve been injured by an affair, you need to understand that it’s a trauma response you’re likely experiencing. What you’re feeling after an affair is like injuries after a bomb has gone off.
Insecurity - I wrote about How Insecurity Can Affect Your Relationship. Here’s a quick TLDR version: It’s ok to be insecure. If it’s actually distrust because of an affair, you are dealing with the aftermath of a bomb explosion. See a couples therapist, because it’s really hard to DIY affair recovery. But if Insecurity is from something in your past, it’s not fair to dump that on your spouse. You’ll need to take ownership of that insecurity response if you want your relationship to improve.
Address this habit before it escalates.
4. Grudges
Disagreement and differences are normal and inevitable. Holding a grudge is a choice—one that builds resentment. Don’t let it fester, try to talk it out productively. See my article on how damaging scoreboarding can be.
5. Avoiding Money Conversations
This can be a tough topic. Avoiding it offers temporary relief but almost always creates bigger issues down the road. It’s uncomfortable, but important to be open about finances. What’s the therapist’s secret about money fights? Your fight isn’t really about the money. See that blog post for a bit more on it. In short, money has an underlying meaning for everyone. For some, having extra around is a security blanket. For others, being able to spend it at will allows them to feel like they aren’t in a “resource famine.” Getting an understanding of what these underlying meanings are will let you have a conversation about what is really bothering you.
6. Poor Listening Skills
You may be distracted or staring at your phone. You’re not actively listening, and after a while, your partner can tell. This invalidates them and also weakens your bond. Active listening is how a couple stays connected and aware, so put down your phone and give them your undivided attention.
7. Complaining to Other People
Oh, this is so tempting. It might be co-workers, your BFF, or even your family. You get upset with your partner and decide to avoid a confrontation. Instead, you gripe behind their back to people who know them and interact with them.
This builds mistrust and creates a very awkward vibe. If you have a problem, talk to your partner directly. If that feels difficult, well, that’s one of the many reasons couples counseling exists.
8. Disrespect
It may start as playful wisecracks, but it can escalate into meanness. Pay attention to how you talk to your partner when you’re alone and when you’re around other people. Avoid using insults as a form of communication.
9. You Spend Too Much Time Together
Everyone needs independence. Even soul mates require some alone time—and their own social circle. Encourage and support each other as you forge interests and hobbies outside your relationship. And when you reunite, revisit #2 above!
10. Codependency
If your partner is sad, you’re sad. If you get invited to see friends, you may decline because you feel responsible for your partner’s happiness. Codependency takes many forms, and all of them can be destructive. It’s insidious, however, and frequently requires help to recognize (see below).
There are many other habits to consider. It can make your head spin without some guidance. That’s where I come in. I’ve worked with many couples seeking a healthy bond and I’d love to have the opportunity to help you, too.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, swing by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.