Relationships ebb and flow. They evolve and they sneak up on you. Sometimes, they make you want to put things on pause. That can feel scary. You don’t want to end up like you’re on an episode of Friends, right? Well, of course, real life is a lot more complicated and nuanced.
There are healthy reasons to take a break. There are unhealthy reasons to take a break. The differences are not always obvious. If you find yourself in such a situation, it can be essential to commit together to couples counseling during the break. However, in the meantime, there is plenty to contemplate alone—and together.
7 Things to Consider About “Taking a Break” in Your Relationship
1. It is Not Automatically a Death Sentence
Circumstances vary widely. Hence, there is no productive reason to assume that your break will automatically lead to a break-up. Read the following entries to learn more.
2. Talk About It in Person
Sure, this sounds painfully obvious, but we do live in the digital age. This is not a topic to be suggested via text or even video chat unless you are in a long-distance relationship. Otherwise, set aside undistracted time and talk face-to-face. There is too much that the other person can “read into” your intentions. It’s best to be there in person so they can see your face and have the positive things confirmed with body language.
Activate your strongest communication skills and your best listening skills. Treat the moment with the gravity it deserves.
3. Talk in Detail About the Reasons For a Break
If one of you is the initiator of this idea, the other partner deserves a serious explanation. Even if a break is something you’ve both come to, it is absolutely crucial that you hash out the underlying causes.
The biggest reason why my couples take a break is that they are in a constant cycle of triggering each other. Their nervous systems are so geared up to fight that really simple positive gestures can be misconstrued. Then they spend the entire day fighting or resentfully disconnected. Having an intentional break means that you can get some relief from the expectations.
This is not a time for blame or guilt-tripping. Simply put, if you have any intention of reuniting, you’ll need to understand why a break was needed in the first place.
4. Talk About The Goals
Try this together with your therapist. Imagine a “future imagined togetherness”. What do you want it to look like? What do you want your daily life to look like? What do you want to be able to share with the other person? How do you want to deal with unexpected events?
You have to have a vision for what you want your future life to look like so that the break can support the creation of that life.
5. Set Ground Rules
Do not leave anything to chance. Work together to:
Pick a starting date.
Decide how often you’ll be in touch and why.
Is social media off-limits?
If you’re in couples counseling, agree to sustain that commitment together.
If you have kids, delegate a lot of time and energy into agreeing on how best to handle this.
Then, there’s the big question: Are you still exclusive? How you deal with this issue is where the “death sentence” often rears its ugly head.
6. Stay Exclusive
If you seriously want to work things out and get back together, it is typically advised to at least begin your break while remaining exclusive. The sudden appearance of new sex partners can cloud your collective thinking process.
If the break should last longer than originally expected, you may wish to revisit this boundary—preferably in counseling.
6. Use Your Break Time Well
Make the most of a tough situation. This is where you get to implement the things you need to make your future imagined relationship a reality. If you are trying to have a life where you live in greater harmony, ask what your part is in that scenario. Start trying to live it in small bits. If you get together for brief periods, how do you grow your ability to promote that harmony?
If you typically didn’t talk about your feelings or needs, then how are you going to learn to speak up with love? If you aren’t having contact during your break, think about how you keep things to yourself unknown to your friends or family. Can you work on speaking up in difficult conversations with friends and family? These skills are useful for your relationship too.
7. Visualize What Your Relationship Will Look Like After a Break
Before you can even think about a reunion, you’ll each need to know what you want and need. It can be incredibly helpful to make your own visualization list and then match them up in the presence of your couples therapist.
The specifics can vary widely as to how you handle this. What matters is that you do the work to make sure you don’t just walk back into the same situation and problems.
Taking a break is not always a death sentence. You may or may not decided to stay together in the end. The difference in the outcomes may lie in your intentions and your willingness to do the work.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, swing by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.