Plenty of folks might balk at the title of this post. We’re conditioned, after all, to see conflict as a crisis—particularly in a relationship. Therefore, let’s begin by accepting an unpopular fact. Conflict is inevitable. No two people agree on everything, and this is okay. It’s normal. A couple that says it never fights is almost certainly avoiding confrontation.
The goal is not to eliminate conflict. Rather, it is to ensure in your relationship remains healthy. And the giant first step in this direction is to stop fearing any disagreement or argument as an automatic red flag.
Why Conflict Can Be Good For Your Relationship
You learn more about yourself and your partner
It guides you toward developing healthier communication skills
Conflict can teach you anger management and resolution
It may identify an issue that requires your full attention
You maintain your individuality, even if it sometimes clashes with your partner
Your partner gets to be in relationship with “the real you.”
In a fairy tale world, couples live happily ever after. This is usually defined as two soul mates who experienced love at first sight. All of this has the potential to be true, but it dangerously ignores the work that must be done.
Here is How You Can Ensure Conflict in Your Relationship Remains Healthy
1. Commit to Honest and Frequent Communication
Above, I mention that couple who “never fights.” In order for this to be true, a whole lot is probably being suppressed and silenced. If you communicate openly and often, it will inevitably expose where disagreement exists. This is partly why so many people opt for some version of the old-fashioned silent treatment. Consciously reject any of the following:
Stonewalling: This is when one partner shuts down and refuses to engage in important conversations.
Passive-Aggression: Rather than stonewall, the passive-aggressive partner chooses weapons like sarcasm to demean their partner’s desire to communicate.
Gaslighting: Any kind of silent treatment can be “crazy-making” in that it makes one partner feel like they’re making up problems that don’t exist.
2. Maintain Empathy and Teamwork
In the midst of an argument, it takes discipline to not slip into a very aggressive mindset. You feel threatened and judged. Such vulnerability can turn any debate into a war. The goal suddenly becomes to win by proving your partner is wrong.
3. Accept That It Involves More Than Words
Conflict resolution involves more than the words you and your partner speak. For starters, you must be aware of how those words are spoken. This could involve tone, inflection, and volume. Then, of course, you have all the various forms of non-verbal communication, e.g.
Facial expressions
Body language
Posture
Gestures
Eye contact (or not)
Giving space
Touch
With realizing it, each of these can mean more than any sentence you chose not to say aloud. If you do realize it, well, refer back to passive-aggression above.
4. Appreciate the Role of Timing
Ideally, it’s best to not let issues fester. Even so, that does not mean that any time is a good time to have a tough discussion. Learn how to read the room. Recognize that it’s not just about you.
If both of you are not in a good space to broach an uncomfortable topic, you may be setting yourselves up for a battle. Why not ask about this upfront? Let your partner know that you have something on your mind and inquire about when you two can talk about it.
Couples Counseling as Workshop
The signs of unhealthy conflict can be hard to identify at the moment. Thus, it can really help to invite a skilled and unbiased therapist into your inner circle to watch you in action. I invite you to take the first step on this important journey. If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.