Here’s the TLDR: Stop thinking about what you or your partner can do individually in your relationship and start thinking about what both of you can do together.
When you were dating your spouse or partner, did you think in terms of “matching?” Did you compare your vinyl record collection? Did you talk about your love of Oscar Wilde or William Butler Yeats? When you’re dating, you can be obsessed with “the right match.” It is so common to have the mentality that “I just need to find someone with enough commonality that it works.” But it’s dangerous to keep using this concept as the thing that binds you.
If you forget the “us,” you can only think in me or them. You miss the team. You can think,”I wish she would talk to me when she’s angry,” or ,“If only I could do something different instead of freeze when she complains.”
Both of these approaches recognize the role of the individuals, but don’t recognize the impact of the relationship in changing the way you two relate. It fails to recognize that even if you’re trying to do something different for the relationship, you can enlist the help of your partner to do it.
Stronger United
To understand the power of “Us,” let’s understand when you’re thinking me/them vs. me/them/us
What do you say to yourself when you’re in a you, me mentality?
When you only think about you/me
She needs to stop badgering me so much.
If only I could just not get so angry when she says,”You’re out of line!”
Why can’t I say anything when we’re fighting?
What do you say to yourself when you’re thinking you, me, us?
You/Me/Us: Enlisting the help of your relationship allows you to do much more.
I really want to hear you, but I’m getting overwelmed. I want to slow this conversation down because I want to hear you.
I’m triggered right now because of what you just said. I need some time to calm down.
I’m “stuck” in my head. I need to go for a run, then maybe we can check in?
This Is Enlistment
In each of these examples, you’re shifting from what individuals could do into asking the other person for help. Both of you have a chance to “team up” in overcoming a dynamic that both of you are experiencing. It means digging in deep to tell the other person a more vulnerable thing - that you’re overwelmed, that you want to hear them, or that you’re stuck.
The benefit to this enlistment isn’t just extricating yourself out of one dynamic - it’s an increase in trust, because that person was able to respond to you. They are showing that they’re responsive and engaged, two of the three things people in relationship want most from their partner.
Asking for Help
If you’re needing help in being more of a team and operating from a “we” rather from a you or me, I’m here to help. You can look at my Couples and Marriage Counseling page. If you’re in Minnesota and want help working through your arguments, you can contact me at 612.230.7171 or email me through my contact page, or click the button below to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.