Do you read minds? No? Well, then, communication may be just the thing to help your relationship. We all hold “models” in our minds about what our partners or spouses are thinking. This means that we can make decisions at Chipotle about what they might want even if we can’t get a hold of them. But they’re not necessarily accurate, even if we know generally what they want. They may have just had Chipotle for lunch and don’t want it for dinner.
So in a changing world, communicating with your partner isn’t just “nice to have,” it’s necessary so that you two can be connected and collaborate together on life. Committing to this skill is like a cheat code for relationships. You might even say it’s the closest thing we have to a magic formula.
Follow These 4 Tips If You Want to Communicate Better
1. Timing
Depending on the topic and urgency, the timing should be flexible. Learn to get buy-in. If you wish to have a productive conversation, you must factor in the present circumstances to discern if this is a good time to talk. Sometimes one or both of you is too busy, tired, cranky, or sad. Your child or another family member may require your attention. If you are in a rush, communicating something difficult may start you both “emotionally spinning.” This means what one person hears can be different that what was intended.
Another factor here relates to situations that are still playing out. This can lead to tension at the moment. It can also result in just having to discuss it again once the smoke has cleared. Work together to find the timing that works best for you as a couple.
2. Respect
Reminder: You are talking with your life partner. I use the feedback wheel method for communication, and the first thing to remember is: remember love. You are communicating with a loved one, not a co-wroker. What this means is that there is never any reason or excuse to be disrespectful. If your anger feels high, well… refer back to Tip #1. Step away from the conversation. Regroup and find a better time to talk—a time when respect flows smoothly.
A good practice is to limit the “you” statements. To avoid sounding judgmental or confrontational, opt for “I” statements instead. “You” statements can easily land as criticism. In addition, be sure to express gratitude and appreciation. Communication is not just about putting out fires. More often than not, it’s a beautiful way to deepen your bond.
3. Listening
It’s cliché but eternally true. Listening is not just about waiting for your turn to talk or learning to not interrupt. Especially when it’s a loved one, you want to engage deeply in the discussion, even when you are not speaking. For example, it’s crucial to be aware of what you “say” beyond the words you choose. This may include:
Vocal tone and inflection
Facial expressions
Non-verbal communication like sighs and eye rolls
Body language and posture
Your overall energy
4. Resolution
Communicating with your partner is never a competition. If there’s a disagreement or dispute, the goal is not to “win.” The goal, in such a case, is healthy conflict resolution. A big part of this involves Tip #2 above. In addition, it requires letting go of your ego.
Accept compromise as a necessary part of your connection. If one of you is always getting your way, that is neither healthy nor sustainable. Keep a close eye on the power dynamics in your relationship.
It Can Help to Have a Third Party Involved
As you can see from the list above, it really comes down to basics. However, the trick with communication is that you can have bad habits without noticing them. This can create very unnecessary problems with the potential to become a cycle.
That’s why so many couples choose to commit together to counseling. In the presence of a skilled, unbiased guide, the goal of better communication becomes far more attainable. I’d love to help you deepen and improve your communication skills as a couple.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, swing by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.