Can You Undo Your Affair?

When I help couples recover from an affair, the first thing the offending partner seems to say is,”But I can’t go back in time and undo what I’ve done.” I wish I could call up a time machine for my couples. Because all of my couples affected by infidelity have one thing in common: regret.

Regret: The Great Motivator

While you are in the soup of pain after infidelity, there’s a lot of confusion and disorientation. So it can be hard to know what is helpful. I’m going to tell you this: regretting that you hurt your partner is your best ally. Feeling guilt can help you put positive intent into responding to your partner’s distress. They will be able to feel this positive intent which can validate any healing words you might be saying. Additionally, feeling regret will motivate you to be as helpful to them as you can be.

The Best Healing Factor

While Regret can help validate your healing words, and can motivate you to be the most helpful you can be, what can you do that will help heal the most? Sitting in the mud. What kind of voodoo magic is sitting in the mud? When your partner or spouse talks about the pain she or he has experienced because of the affair you participate in do the following:

1. Actively listen to them: Being curious, seeing understanding, despite the unpleasant feeling you may have.

2. Don’t dismiss their pain. This is an example of a dismissive statement:“I’m sorry I did that, at the same time, can we just get past this?”

3. Don’t try to “fix.” There are actual things you can do to help, but you’ll need their guidance. You can say,”Do you want me to just listen? Or do you want me to troubleshoot?”

4. Understand they won’t have words sometimes. When an injured partner is first experiencing the pain of the betrayal, they may just scream or collapse emotionally and not be able to tell you what they need. This is normal. You can tell them that.

Affair Recovery: First Aid

I tell people that couples counseling is a little like ballroom dance instruction. You’re using a process of relating that doesn’t work for you. You’re stepping on each other’s toes and injuring each other. By now, you’re bleeding, and so we’re having you use a different process to communicate your intentions and a different way of moving with the other person.

Imagine now attending a ballroom dance class while simultaneously being worried that the floor is going to fall from underneath your feet. You’re probably not going to be very concerned with getting the timing right on your dance steps. You’ll probably be more focused on where the nearest entrance is. That’s why there’s affair recovery as a preliminary step.

Affair recovery gets you to a stable spot so you can feel confident enough that there isn’t a threat still looming over you. For the injured partner, affair recovery helps you ask for what you need: Do you need a written email that the relationship sent to the affair partner? Do you need email or text access to your partner’s phone? This isn’t to say such radical transparency is forever. But it helps to calm their nervous system.

For the affair-involved partner. I help you apologize and understand how to disclose affair details that your partner is asking for.

What do you want your new relationship to look like?

I talk a lot about couples relationships being over and rebuilding a new one because there is too much discordant with what you know the other person can do vs. who you thought they were. You are attempting to create a new relationship that addresses some of the vulnerabilities that may have led to someone else getting in the middle.

DIY

I’m a fan of the DIY ethic. But I also recognize the importance of asking for help. Whether I work with you together or individually, I can be a source of help during your toughest times. If you’re ready to address infidelity and move forward in your relationship, check out my page on Affair Recovery and my thoughts on repairing once there’s infidelity.

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom).  Contact me by calling me at 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the orange button on that page to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.

I’m a couples therapy specialist that has helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck and would love to help you find a way out -together.

How To Show Up Better For Your Spouse

Recently, I talked about what can make you a better partner. Recognizing the need for such efforts is a giant step toward a healthier relationship. But once you know the steps, you still have to take them. Sometimes, that is precisely where the roadblocks exist. Where and how do you start? Do you really need to make changes or should you wait to see if problems arise?

Simply put, a healthy partnership does not happen by accident. It requires lots of desire and effort. Both partners must commit to what is a long-term, ever-evolving project. Let’s take a closer look at how to make this happen.

Do the Work

As touched on above, this is the foundation. You won’t always get it right, but you just keep trying. Demonstrate, through your actions and your words, that being a better partner is important to you. It’s a major priority in your life. Such a commitment is not a get-out-of-jail-free card. But it is a clear sign that you get it.

It helps to recognize that being a better partner is not a destination. There is no finish line. You wake up, wipe the slate clean, and start again. If this sounds onerous, keep in mind how wonderful the rewards are.

Communicate

• Frequently

• Directly

• Respectfully

• Face-to-face

You can’t have a relationship without some conflict. However, conflict is far more likely if you’re not practicing healthy communication. Virtually any situation or crisis can be managed when both partners are expressing their thoughts and emotions in a mature manner. Keep the lines of communication open.

Go Above and Beyond

Even the happiest couples can fall into a rut. Things settle into a routine and you may inadvertently take each other for granted. A powerful way to prevent this tendency is to keep looking for ways to challenge the ordinary. Go out of your way to do the right thing.

Discover new ways to express your appreciation, gratitude, lust, and love. Don’t be afraid of being corny. Let your partner know they are always on your mind. It’s not about spending money or putting on a show (although, it can be sometimes). The idea here is to remind them how much they mean to you in a fresh and authentic manner.

Improve Your Listening Skills

Everyone wants to feel heard. They want to be understood and validated. A big part of showing up as a better partner is appreciating this need. And it starts with listening. A few factors to keep in mind:

• It’s more than just waiting for your turn to talk

• Be attentive, make eye contact, and ask questions if appropriate

• Check your body language, gestures, and facial expressions

• Use nonverbal cues to signal that you’re listening

• Do not interrupt

Perhaps most importantly, stay curious. Relationships can fall into a rhythm. You may feel certain you can predict what your partner is about to say. You may also be preparing a way to state your disagreement. Instead, try keeping an open mind. You might learn something new—including something new about your partner!

Schedule Together Time

Life is hectic. The easiest excuse in the world for not stepping up is “I’m so busy.” If that’s the case, get out our schedules and plan quality time together. Leave nothing to chance. Put away your devices. Get a babysitter if you must. But never, ever postpone your partner.

If this feels impossible, there’s a short-term solution. Commit together to couples counseling. This places you together once a week. Such a setting allows for productive conversations and exploration through the pretense of an unbiased guide. You’ll both become better partners!

If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.

4 Ways To Be a Better Partner

Why did you click on the headline of this post? I can safely assume it has something to do with your desire to improve and enhance your relationship. After all, who doesn’t want to be a better partner? The tricky part is defining what you mean by “better.” Relationships are complex bonds with so many moving parts. How exactly does one get better at this?

Of course, there is no single way to address this goal. But that doesn’t mean there aren’t some universal concepts to consider. So, let’s explore those concepts before we get to the list!

What Makes a Good Partner?

Again, this can be very much in the eye of the beholder. That said, here are a few ingredients to consider:

• Positive energy

• Self-awareness

• Gratitude

• Compassion

This is not to say you can never screw up or have a bad day. The goal instead is to find attributes that can guide you when things aren’t going smoothly. The four listed here are a good start. People want to be around others who can find a positive spin. They value humility and they want to feel appreciated.

Perhaps most of all, we all need to know that our own transgressions will be met with empathy and compassion. How then can you embody these ingredients on a daily basis?

4 Ways You Can Be a Better Partner

1. Commit to Healthy Communication

This will be your foundation. Through good times and bad, you and your partner will need to communicate in a healthy manner. Productive communication combines so many positive traits. You learn to listen, validate, trust, retain, and resolve conflict.

Ideally, your communication as a couple happens in real-time and in person. Don’t leave things to chance with texts or social media messages. Prioritize each other by being fully present for the conversations that shape your lives.

2. Accept Change

It’s tempting to reach a happy point where you wish everything could just stay precisely as is. Not only is this impossible, but it also is not as appealing as it seems. Change is what keeps every relationship strong and fresh.

No two people stay exactly the same and, believe me, that’s a good thing. Embracing this reality is one way to help your connection evolve and grow over time.

3. Be Vulnerable

For a relationship to thrive, both partners must be willing to open up. They must be willing to trust. This can be scary stuff, but it’s like glue when it comes to your bond.

Both partners need to see their relationship as a safe space. They need to feel that they can let their guard down and be vulnerable. Such openness invites the spouses to communicate more openly and roll with the inevitable changes.

4. Take Care of Yourself

Self-love is a powerful practice. It can help create the above-mentioned self-awareness. Some portrayals of a happy couple involve what appears to be martyrdom for each other. This couldn’t be further from the truth.

You are two discrete individuals who are also part of a couple. Therefore, it is non-negotiable that you practice self-care. This could mean:

• Literal self-care safeguarding your health through daily choices

• The setting, enforcing, and respecting of boundaries

• Cultivating an independent life with your own interests, beliefs, and social life

• Celebrating your strengths while working on what needs improvement

How To Start

Sure, There are these 4 ways you can improve as a partner. But how do you start? Here’s the TLDR: focus. There seems to be so much, it can be hard to start. I tell clients to start the day with intention. Pick one thing you want to get better at today. Then focus on that this morning. Then rinse and repeat.

It Helps to Have an Unbiased Guide

What if you think you’re doing fine but your partner disagrees? Or the reverse? Couples counseling puts you in the position to have your interactions witnessed and analyzed. Your weekly sessions serve as opportunities to better understand each other and thus, yourselves as partners.

If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to understand how you can let go of an unhealthy relationship, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.

Is It Bad If We Fight In Therapy?

Let’s get something out of the way right off the bat. It’s not uncommon for a couple to fight during therapy. Couples disagree and sometimes, that leads to conflict—regardless of the location. In particular, couples therapy is designed to draw out underlying issues and unspoken truths. So it happens and there’s no reason to feel shame or fear about such a scenario.

The essence of fighting is that both people are attempting to “break through” to the other person or “calm down” the distress in the fight. As one person tries harder to “break through,” the other person tries to “calm down” even more, causing a spiraling pattern. I talk about it in my article on spiraling.

As with all conflict, it could even turn out to have hidden benefits. Too many of us are conditioned to see fighting as the first step toward a break-up. I like to think of it as an opportunity to re-organize. Have you ever seen a road being repaired? There might be some “deconstruction” in the initial phases as the workers prepare the surface for a new concrete or asphalt segment. It looks a mess, but it’s a necessary part of reorganizing and making something better.

Learning What To Do With Anger

Tensions are running high and the stakes feel even higher. Both partners want to be heard and validated and reassured. This is often because both of you “see” the other person as the enemy. This is because there’s an injury for both of you. Maybe you’re seeing your spouse or partner shut down. That can feel like they’re giving you the silent treatment. Maybe you’re seeing your spouse get really loud. That can feel threatening. As one example, these both can be a result of overwhelm.

Fortunately, there is no better environment for this kind of resentment to surface. You may be fighting with your spouse or you may feel like they’re picking a fight with you. In either case, you are in the presence of someone specifically trained to handle contentiousness. As mentioned above, you will quite likely end up learning a whole lot from the experience.

What to Keep in Mind If You Fight During Couples Therapy

Very few people want to fight. Even fewer want to be involved in a confrontation that involves raised voices, accusations, and worse. Fighting in front of your therapist, however, can be the ideal way to make progress and develop skills. To follow, I’ll offer just some of the potential benefits and lessons available to you:

The Importance of Taking a Break

If you and your partner have slid into a cycle of fighting, it can feel like the argument never ends. Part of this is because no breaks are taken. Everyone needs a “time-out” every now and then. Stepping away to cool down and regroup reduces the odds of a disagreement trying into a battle.

When the conflict happens in a session, it is a golden opportunity to examine:

• The patterns each of you fall into

• How the fight makes you feel

• Listening skills

• Body language

• Word choices

Conflict De-Escalation

In your sessions, all three of you can speak theoretically about conflict resolution. When a fight happens, all that theory must be translated into practice. Here is some tools I help clients use:

• Why going slower will let you go faster.

• Using Terry Real’s Method of the Feedback Wheel.

• The Importance of cooling off and how to do it.

Without an unbiased mediator, it can be tricky to see past the emotions. Within the context of a couples therapy session, such analyses flows more naturally.

Giving Your Therapist a Closer Look

As the first two benefits and lessons highlight, this scenario gives your therapist a window into your relationship. This is not to say you should pick a fight in therapy.

However, if that happens, it can assist the counselor in offering more valuable input. This turns a negative moment into something positive.

Your Therapist is Not Judging You or Taking Sides

When I witness a couple fighting in a session, I’m not looking to assign blame. I’m carefully watching as your dynamics play out in the heat of the moment. Again, you need not feel shame.

Partners inevitably clash and this is not automatically a bad omen. Fighting in therapy is a chance to better understand what you argue about and how you fight. It also provides a glimpse into the state of your conflict resolution skills.

Therapy is a Workshop

During your sessions, you can let down your guard and take some chances. This is often the path toward progress and repair. I invite you to take the first step on this important journey. If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.