Some clichés exist for a good reason: they’re accurate. For example, everyone commonly jokes about the “honeymoon period” of a relationship. Lust and passion rule the day. The only intimacy “problem” is not having enough hours in the day. Eventually, as the cliché goes, things cool off. Left unexplored, this reality can have negative consequences.
It’s normal for couples to transition into different phases as their relationship progresses. However, sex and intimacy are sensitive topics. If either or both partners perceive a shift in how these areas are playing out, it can create shame, resentment, low self-esteem, and more.
Define “Intimate”
Intimacy can be thought of closeness or connection, and you can feel that in a lot contexts. When you hear the word “intimate,” does your mind automatically conjure up sex? Sex is a form of intimacy, but sexual intimacy begins “outside the bedroom.” Ever have a roll-on-the-floor laughing moment with your partner or spouse? That’s called friendship, and that’s intimate. Ever talk about a subject that you’re so interested in that you talk about it for hours? That’s a kind of intimacy. Ever share a sad moment with your partner and just hug? That’s emotional intimacy.
I’ll talk briefly about sexual intimacy. Even that begins before you’re engaged in sexual play because you are coming to some agreement prior to event. You are engaging in foreplay. Even outside of foreplay, you can talk about your sexual experiences to improve your sexual intimacy. I’ve talked in other articles about how using the language of sexual accelerators and brakes may be helpful in understanding what modulates sexual desire for both of you. When you understand the mechanisms underlying your sexual desire, you can improve your intimacy in a very intentional way.
4 Ways to Be More Intimate with Your Partner
1. Communication
This is where it all begins. Both partners must commit to prioritizing healthy, frequent, and direct communication. What a difference it makes to not let questions wait and to not allow problems to fester. Imagine actually telling your partner about the hurts or fears that you normally tuck away. It’s ok for it to be clumsy - It’s a journey, not a destination.
When I talk to parents, I encourage them to have a weekly business meeting. It’s not sexy, but it takes care of the “to-do” lists so you can clear the “browser tabs” that are likely building up in one of you. That makes room for more intimacy.
2. Spontaneous Gestures Add Up in a Big Way
There is so much magic to be experienced if you let it happen. Eye contact, hand-holding, and writing love notes create an intimate dynamic — even when life is hectic. A romantic text in the middle of the day can sometimes mean as much as an hour of lovemaking. Stay connected and attuned.
3. But Also, Set Aside Specific Time for Intimacy
Sure, pop culture conditions us to think spur-of-the-moment passion is the standard for excitement. In reality, you have commitments and responsibilities. If you have children, that goes triple. Therefore, do not leave intimacy to chance. You can literally schedule dedicated alone time together. Make sex a priority.
4. Be Open to Switching Up Your Sexual Habits and Style
As much as you may not like admitting it, couples can fall into a sexual rut. It feels as if you’re following the same script. This doesn’t mean it won’t be hot but it does take away some of the mystery. This is where all your communication can pay off. Ask each other about sex. Do you have new fantasies? Does anything, in particular, feel stale?
Be curious about the endless variations and possibilities. But never push or coerce one another into doing something they’d rather not try. Again, let your communication be the foundation.
When Things Have Gotten to a Sensitive Point
As mentioned above, intimacy has the potential to be a tricky topic. A lot of our identity is invested in ourselves as lovers and as being desirable. When intimacy wanes, our confidence may start waning, too. This is why so many couples don’t address this topic in the early phases.
That’s where couples therapy comes in. Discussing intimacy in the presence of a biased and skilled guide is the ideal way to re-invent your bonds. I’d love to help you in this evolution. Let’s connect soon!
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, swing by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.