Every relationship will be forced to endure hard times. You know, those times when you find yourself searching “how to communicate with my spouse when things are tough.” You’re not alone. When you, your partner, or both are stressed, worried, experiencing change, etc., it’s too easy to take it out on one another. It’s far too easy.
You may be dealing with financial woes, child-rearing disagreements, annoying in-laws, or so much more. These situations will test your mettle. Can you work together toward a resolution without damaging your connection? You can if you allow healthy communication to be your foundation.
When You Take Communication for Granted
If you don’t work to maintain respectful, direct, and productive communication, it can degrade quickly. You and your partner will find yourselves in the land of eye rolls, passive aggression, stonewalling, and abusive insults. It’s a slippery slope made all the more treacherous when you encounter rough patches. The answer is awareness and a commitment to doing the work. To follow is a basic blueprint to get you started.
How Couples Can Communicate Successfully When Times Are Hard
Set Intentions
When entering into a conversation, make your intentions clear to yourself and your spouse. For example, you can decide in advance to not raise your voice, use sarcasm, check your body language, or engage in gaslighting. Yes, I know, this can be easier said than done. But setting intentions creates a powerful awareness of one’s own behaviors.
Commit to Listening
It’s been said before but always bears repeating: There’s a difference between listening and just waiting for your turn to speak. Listening requires curiosity. It means you are open to learning something new from and/or about your partner. Active listening also sends the message that the other person is being validated. Despite the tension or crises swirling around you, it remains possible to maintain an open mind.
Aim to Resolve, Not to “Win”
Even in the best of times, relationship discussions can devolve into contests. You end up keeping score and won’t stop until a winner is declared. Terry Real, a noted relationship therapist, famously said,”Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?”
Both of you will benefit greatly if you keep in mind that:
You’re not waging war with an enemy. You are seeking peace with the love of your life.
The only goals worth striving for are deeper understanding and healthy resolution.
The best “win” is to rise above the struggles and work together as a team. Victory is coming out of the hard times stronger than when they started.
Appreciate the Importance of Timing
Not every time is appropriate to launch into a challenging conversation. I tell couples to mistrust urgency. In discussions, urgency is often a sign of dropping into fight, flight, or freeze. Sure, there will be times when urgency is the order of the day. See a car coming that they don’t? Feel free to grab their arm and move them out of the way. Most of the time, however, it can wait. Forcing the issue sets the stage for a more contentious, short-tempered discussion. Not to mention, it lays a foundation of respect to ask each other if this is a good time. Work together to give yourselves a better opportunity for a peaceful resolution.
Change of Scenery
It may seem minor but it can have a major effect to take the conversation to someplace outside the home. Take a drive, take a walk, or go get a cup of coffee. Adding exercise can help activate your parasympathetic nervous system. This is a fancy way of saying that it can be calming to you, which will naturally help keeping your conversation on course. After enduring a pattern of fighting, home can become the center of crisis. Everywhere you look, there are reminders. Everywhere you look, there is also work to be done. Step outside this environment and start fresh.
Speaking of Fresh New Environments…
Couples counseling is the ideal place to hone and practice your communication skills. In the presence of a skilled professional, you get to work on the underlying problems — and how to talk about them. I would love to talk with you both about this process soon.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.