Each of us has an attachment style. Some of us are lucky to have a secure attachment style. Unfortunately, most folks juggle insecure attachment styles like disorganized, anxiety, and avoidance. As adults, how we attach is profoundly shaped during our childhood. How our parents or caregivers interact with us makes a massive impression on us in terms of future connections.
Someone who is avoidant today may have felt neglected as a young child. Their caregivers were not reliable or consistent. Having to battle for approval from the people who matter the most frequently leads to disappointment. To avoid being disappointed as adults, they maintain distance and independence even when they want so badly to get closer.
Life With an Avoidant Partner
Your partner may seem, at times, to be emotionally unavailable. But this is not an accurate reflection of their needs. They want to love and experience intimacy, but they also crave safety — the safety they didn’t feel as a child. Unfortunately, this combination can create distance and pain for you.
Therefore, before you assume your partner doesn’t love you or is incapable of closeness, you may encourage them to talk to a mental health professional. The good news is that, while attachment styles can date back to infancy, they can be changed in adulthood. The entry point for such work is often made through adjustments in communication.
6 Signs That Your Partner is an Avoidant Communicator
1. Aloofness
You might call it standoffish or distant or even cold. You could be having the most intimate kind of conversation, but your partner never seems fully invested. They reject requests that they check in throughout the day. And physical affection seems to be limited to times when you have sex.
2. Stonewalling
They always have an excuse for not having that important conversation about your relationship. If the topic relates to long-term planning, you can practically guarantee that they’ll evade commitment to anything. Answers like “later” and “we’ll see” are the norm.
3. Pining for the Past
Does your partner talk about how easy it was to be single? Do they seem to crave independence more than closeness? Are you sometimes left wondering if they are happy in this relationship?
4. “Clingy” is the Worst Insult
An avoidant person and communicator fears being seen as clingy and strongly dislikes this quality in others. They experienced a lack of nurturing. Now, to need it feels negative to them.
5. Suspicion
While your partner plays things close to the vest, they may accuse you of keeping secrets. Because an avoidant person has trouble trusting others, they may suspect you of trying to restrict their autonomy.
6. Mixed Messages
This is the big one. The avoidant partner is someone who pulls you close one minute and pushes you away the next. This is reflected in how they communicate with others. You feel off balance and any pressure you apply for clarity can be seen by your partner as proof that you’re trying to control them.
Now What?
Your partner could benefit greatly from professional help. It could be in the form of individual therapy or perhaps the two of you will commit together to couples counseling. In the meantime, here are some suggestions:
Practice patience
Do not attempt to control their behavior
Learn about attachment styles
Ask your partner to talk about their needs and what they define as needs
Do your best to not take their behavior personally
Most of all, talk openly about therapy. Again, attachment styles can be overcome. It requires awareness and commitment but individuals can and do move past the negative experiences of their childhood. If your partner is avoidant and you need help, we should talk soon.
If you want to learn more about how I think of couples counseling, stop by my marriage and couples counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and want to learn skills to reach these types of goals, let’s talk soon. I’m in Edina and serve the greater Minneapolis area. You can reach me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.