3 Ways Covid Has Impacted Our Relationships and What to Do About It.

One of the vexing characteristics of COVID-19 is the unpredictable scope of its physical symptoms. As we near one year since “quarantine” entered our daily language, there are now plenty of other kinds of symptoms to parse through.

These outcomes are sometimes reflected in demonstrations against the lockdowns (in multiple countries) or increased rates of depression during the pandemic.

However they manifest, they have affected our mental health and our health as partners and spouses. If we don’t acknowledge and deal with them, impacts like this may end up being the most serious long-term legacy of this pandemic.

3 Ways COVID-19 Has Affected Our Ability to Feel Connected

1. Physical Isolation

This ongoing factor cuts in at least two important ways:

Loneliness: You may live with your partner and maybe with other family members, too. But it’s not the same as living your “normal” life and interacting with many other people. Humans are social creatures. Remember, you can love your family and appreciate being with them while also feeling lonely.

Loss of routine: The lockdown imposed on us new concepts like work and/or attending school at home. There are advantages to such changes. However, when your rhythm is abruptly shifted, it causes distress. Then, of course, comes the inevitable feelings of “cabin fever.”

Remember, you can love your family and appreciate being with them while also feeling like you need a break from them.

2. Social Division

Meanwhile, the entire world is beginning to feel like a reality show. Something as mundane as a medical mask is enough to divide families and long-time friends. It’s great that people are making up their own minds about things. It’s not great that your very own news feed is designed to manipulate you.

3. The Impact of Physical Isolation and Social Division on Our Personal Lives

I lightly touched on it above but, let’s be clear: The pandemic and the patchwork of responses have brought us all to new levels of stress. Not that long ago, we would not have thought twice about visiting a sick friend or talking about current events.

Today, that sick friend is OFF-limits. And current events? Mention any headline at your own risk. It is impossible for all this to not have a negative effect on your personal life.

What to Do About the Disconnect

Disconnect to Reconnect

Step away from your devices. Give your mind (and body) a chance to rest. In this state, you are better able to reconnect with what feels right for you. Rediscover the benefits of independent thought. Use these tech breaks as opportunities to also reconnect with your loved ones.

Reconnect to the Present

Looking back on the past year is bound to stir up anger, resentment, and guilt. Postponing your life by saying, “After the pandemic, I’ll (fill in the blank)”, creates anxiety about the future. In the present moment is precisely where your life is happening. Practice mindfulness to bring you into a deeper state of self-awareness and gratitude.

When More Than Self-Help is Required

What’s happening is far more than a virus in pandemic form. We are also dealing with social contagion and a looming epidemic of mental health issues. It is never “too soon” to do the work you need to heal.

When things aren’t going well despite your best intentions, I recommend getting professional help from a therapist that’s trained in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples. EFT-trained therapists are trained to prioritize understanding the relationship cycles that hijack your relationship. If you want to find out more about how I think about marriage counseling, read through my marriage counseling page.

If you want help changing the way you respond to your spouse or partner and you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I am physically in Edina, west of Minneapolis, but am seeing everyone by video. Contact me at 612.230.7171, or email me via my contact page.

Fighting About Silly Stuff? – Making Sense of Underlying Emotions

There’s a good chance you don’t need me to tell you that couples often get into challenging conversations. These conversations are driven by underlying emotions that keep you guys either always fighting, continually distancing from one another, or a combination of the two. Sounds familiar?

And once you’ve started fighting, it can be hard to resolve it in a way that feels peaceful and connected with the other person. Again, this is probably not breaking news. Concerning these situations, I can help you make sense of the underlying emotions that keep you fighting about silly stuff.

A Trigger Model

A trigger is a device that, with a small amount of force, produces a significant outcome. When you and your partner get into an argument, one of you can get triggered. This response typically spills over onto the other person to trigger them. It doesn’t end there. This cycle can go on and on — with each person contributing more energy into the system with each pass.

Just because someone gets triggered, it doesn’t mean they start yelling. They may get quiet or shut down or become avoidant. These non-aggressive behaviors may appear as defensive or abandoned by the other person. Hence, the other person may choose to get more energetic in their pursuit of conflict resolution. Think of it like them taking out a bigger sword whenever they see a shield in front of them.

To Infinity and Beyond

Couples counselors have a symbol they use for your relationship — an infinity loop. Oh, the irony! Many of my couples feel like their pattern of fighting or disconnection goes on and on. If you look at that loop and the line across the infinity symbol, the stuff listed above the line is all the behaviors couples engage in during a difficult conversation:

• Behavior

• Perceptions/Attributions

• Secondary Emotions

The stuff listed below the line are the thoughts and feelings you get when your partner does something:

• Primary Emotion

• Unmet Attachment Needs

The left and right half of the infinity loop has one of your names on it. Thus, each of you contributes something to this never-ending argument. It may sound daunting, but there’s a bright side: Each of you has your own way out of this infinity loop. In the end, the circle is wholly dependent on what you do. By changing what you do and how you react, you break the cycle.

How Therapy Can Help

As a counselor, I’d encourage you to examine the nuances of the infinity loop closely. This in-depth look can begin by choosing a relatively recent disagreement or fight.

Describe the Episode

Each partner first details what someone would’ve seen had the spat been filmed. From there, they each explain what action they took and how they feel those actions influenced their partner to act and speak. Notes are compared and blended until a version is created that both people can mostly agree with.

Get Vulnerable

Using the agreed-upon narrative as a starting point, the couple asks each other about their underlying feelings. Be direct and specific. For example, you might want to ask: “Did I confuse you?” or “Did you feel sad?” Get each other to dig deeper and risk being very blunt and open.

Consider Alternative Narratives

Next, focus on what you think you and your partner could’ve done differently to change the outcome. Ask for suggestions and turn the exercise into a collaboration. This task is not an easy one, so be patient. Operate from a place of mutual support. When you agree on new approaches, take time to celebrate this breakthrough.

If this article has caught your interest and you want to know more about my thoughts on couples, feel free to check out my page on marriage counseling.  

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom).  I’m a couples therapist that really specializes in relationships.  I’ve helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck.

Contact me by calling 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the button below for a free, 15 minute phone consult to see if I’m a match.  Take good care.