There’s a good chance you don’t need me to tell you that couples often get into challenging conversations. These conversations are driven by underlying emotions that keep you guys either always fighting, continually distancing from one another, or a combination of the two. Sounds familiar?
And once you’ve started fighting, it can be hard to resolve it in a way that feels peaceful and connected with the other person. Again, this is probably not breaking news. Concerning these situations, I can help you make sense of the underlying emotions that keep you fighting about silly stuff.
A Trigger Model
A trigger is a device that, with a small amount of force, produces a significant outcome. When you and your partner get into an argument, one of you can get triggered. This response typically spills over onto the other person to trigger them. It doesn’t end there. This cycle can go on and on — with each person contributing more energy into the system with each pass.
Just because someone gets triggered, it doesn’t mean they start yelling. They may get quiet or shut down or become avoidant. These non-aggressive behaviors may appear as defensive or abandoned by the other person. Hence, the other person may choose to get more energetic in their pursuit of conflict resolution. Think of it like them taking out a bigger sword whenever they see a shield in front of them.
To Infinity and Beyond
Couples counselors have a symbol they use for your relationship — an infinity loop. Oh, the irony! Many of my couples feel like their pattern of fighting or disconnection goes on and on. If you look at that loop and the line across the infinity symbol, the stuff listed above the line is all the behaviors couples engage in during a difficult conversation:
Behavior
Perceptions/Attributions
Secondary Emotions
The stuff listed below the line are the thoughts and feelings you get when your partner does something:
Primary Emotion
Unmet Attachment Needs
The left and right half of the infinity loop has one of your names on it. Thus, each of you contributes something to this never-ending argument. It may sound daunting, but there’s a bright side: Each of you has your own way out of this infinity loop. In the end, the circle is wholly dependent on what you do. By changing what you do and how you react, you break the cycle.
How Therapy Can Help
As a counselor, I’d encourage you to examine the nuances of the infinity loop closely. This in-depth look can begin by choosing a relatively recent disagreement or fight.
Describe the Episode
Each partner first details what someone would’ve seen had the spat been filmed. From there, they each explain what action they took and how they feel those actions influenced their partner to act and speak. Notes are compared and blended until a version is created that both people can mostly agree with.
Get Vulnerable
Using the agreed-upon narrative as a starting point, the couple asks each other about their underlying feelings. Be direct and specific. For example, you might want to ask: “Did I confuse you?” or “Did you feel sad?” Get each other to dig deeper and risk being very blunt and open.
Consider Alternative Narratives
Next, focus on what you think you and your partner could’ve done differently to change the outcome. Ask for suggestions and turn the exercise into a collaboration. This task is not an easy one, so be patient. Operate from a place of mutual support. When you agree on new approaches, take time to celebrate this breakthrough.
If this article has caught your interest and you want to know more about my thoughts on couples, feel free to check out my page on marriage counseling.
Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom). I’m a couples therapist that really specializes in relationships. I’ve helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck.
Contact me by calling 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the button below for a free, 15 minute phone consult to see if I’m a match. Take good care.