Marriages can present some fascinating paradoxes. You are in an intimate relationship with someone you supposedly trust the most. Yet, you’re far more likely to speak up about an issue at work or with a close friend or even a neighbor.
Why don’t you display such bluntness with your other half? You may fear “rocking the boat.” You might agonize over which topics are worth bringing up. At first, this approach may feel like a logical long-term strategy. You don’t want to damage your relationship. In actuality, keeping stuff to yourself may be precisely where the real risk lies.
Why Do We Fear “Rocking the Boat”?
Of course, the specifics depend on the person. Most often, the reasons fall under these three broad categories:
Lack of Confidence
Even in healthy relationships, there may be a power imbalance. One partner may (knowingly or unknowingly) feel uncomfortable setting boundaries and/or articulating needs.
If the other partner (knowingly or unknowingly) normally takes the lead, it can be daunting for you to challenge the existing dynamic. Left unaddressed, this trend will come to feel “normal,” and may cause issues should this imbalance become overwhelming.
Feeling Like a Burden
A burden? In a loving relationship? Yep. Things feel like smooth sailing, you may not want to bring up anything that will… rock the boat.
You tell yourself it’s “not that big of a deal” or “it can wait.” Over time, as we’ll get to below, resentment festers and ends up being expressed in an unproductive manner.
Conflict = Disaster
In a time where we see other people’s relationships through Instagram filters, it may seem like the right thing to declare that you “never fight” with your partner. Who puts that in social media? In reality, disagreement is an inevitable and normal part of any relationship.
Fear of rocking the boat may therefore be a fear of what fighting means. To avoid confronting this belief, you’ll go to extremes to keep things calm (at least on the surface).
How Fear of “Rocking the Boat” Can Damage Your Relationship
Resentment
Everyone needs to be seen, heard and validated. If you hold back on expressing yourself, you will eventually feel frustrated. Even if you think you’re doing it for the sake of your bond, you can only hold back for so long. It will come out — often in a passive-aggressive manner.
The longer you suppress your emotions, the more resentment is created. Speaking up earlier might have felt uncomfortable at the time, but now the groundwork has been laid for a much bigger issue. I wrote on the importance of slowing things down when conversations get overwhelming. That article can help you shift the way you do your relationship.
Misunderstanding
Your partner may be on the same wavelength as you, but ultimately they cannot read your mind. They may not understand that you’re afraid to rock the boat. As far as they know, you’re keeping fully them appraised of your feelings. In other words, their perception of your emotions is incomplete. The chances for a misunderstanding and conflict increase when this happens.
Not Relating To The Real You
When you keep your objections, fears, hurts, and longings away from your partner for fear of a difficult conversation, you’re keeping a part of you away. They don’t get to see all of you. They don’t get to see rough edges as well as the smooth ones. They’re not truly in relationship to you. Just a sanitized version of you.
For many couples that come to me where this has occurred, hearing about the ugly stuff is often welcome because people get a sense that their relationship has become 2 dimensional. Now, even if the stuff shared is “ugly,” it feels real and right.
Loss of sexual Intimacy
It can be more and more difficult to have sexual intimacy when you are less and less known to your spouse or partner. As you’ve become more of a stranger to them, you also become less ilkely to be wanted. Sex can feel like the most vulnerable thing someone can engage in with a partner. If things feel hidden or you feel like simple co-parents or roommates, sex may go out the window.
If this is happening to you and you’re finding yourself trying to have a conversation around sexual intimacy, I encourage you to start a conversation about sex. Try looking at my Brakes and Accelerators in Sex article. It’ll get you off to a nice start.
Set Sail for Calmer Seas
Relationships are hard — much harder than they look in pop culture or on your news feed. This is not a fun realization, but it is a powerful one. I’ve worked with so many couples who were ready to do the work once they understood what that work entailed.
On the surface, it makes sense to avoid rocking the boat, but may lead to deeper problems. If you want to find out more, check out my thoughts on marriage and relationships. If you’re in Minnesota, you can work with me by contacting me either by phone: 612.230.7171, email me through my contact form, or click on the button below to self-schedule (my schedule these days is really busy, so if there aren’t open slots, emailing may be a good option)
Take good care.