“I’m Not Angry, I’m Frustrated!”
When I start working with couples, I will often talk about anger coming in the room and taking up all the attention. Sometimes people will say,” But I wasn’t angry. I was frustrated.” Here’s a pro-tip: you were angry.
Let me explain: frustration is on the continuum of anger. The continuum may have irritation and frustration on one side and anger and rage at its extremes. But it’s still a form of anger. Why does this even matter? Because you want to get heard.
When You’re Angry, Anger Takes All the Attention.
When anger controls you, it pushes your partner away from you. When anger enters the room, it takes all the attention, and that likely will make you madder, because you won’t be heard, just your anger.
But I Deserve To Be Angry!
Maybe. But is it useful? Remember, it’s probably not anger you feel you’re entitled to. Anger was an emotion that was probably set off by some kind of vulnerable emotion like pain, fear, or anxiety. It’s usually these types of emotions that are using anger as a stick to make things safer.
Meet Wendy and Jude*
Wendy and Jude have been married for 15 years. They have two boys, 9 and 7. They’re in my office talking about how their relationship pattern isn’t working.
Wendy: I get really embarrassed by what he says when we’re with our neighbors or friends. He just says the most embarrassing stuff! I feel like I have have to quickly add something so that we’re not insulting people.
Me: Jude, what’s going on with you right now? You’re making a face and I want to understand what’s going on. Are you mad?
Jude: I’m irritated.
Me: Tell me more.
Jude: Well, when she gets like that, the thing I want to do more than anything is to just say more things I know will embarrass her.
Me: Tell me what’s irritating you.
Jude: Well, it’s like she doesn’t trust me - like I’m a kid or something.
Me: Ah, what’s it like to be treated like a kid?
Jude: It just takes me back to when I was a kid and my brothers all treated me like I couldn’t do anything. Then my parents treated me the same way. It was humiliating.
Me: Being humiliated is hard! No wonder you get defensive! You feel humiliated.
Jude: Yeah. . . [trails off, and fights off a tear]
*This couple is fictitious.
When Wendy saw how hurt Jude was, she got calmer too. Seeing the underlying emotions that are activating anger (in this case hurt) tends to calm people down. But this only can happen when anger isn’t taking over. And if you miss the fact that frustration is also anger, you’ll expect that your spouse or partner will take in your frustration with open arms. What a surprise it will be when they react negatively to what feels for them like anger instead!
What Do I Do With My Anger or Irritation or Frustration?
If your frustration is mild and you have sometimes been holding back when you’re having a good day, read my post on slowing things down to make things go faster. First, you have to understand that anger/frustration/irritation is a coping mechanism that allows you to push the other person away to get safety. Have you ever had the experience of knowing you can’t lash back at them while you’re actually doing it? This is what I mean.
Step 1: Calm
If you’ve lashed out at your spouse or partner or gotten really quiet and gone away because you’re mad, you’ve already gotten too far. Your whole body has activated to generate that safety. If this is the case, you need to calm your body down and let it know you’re ok. You can do this with square breathing. Yes, breathing helps you calm down. Runners can tell you that. Here’s a how-to I wrote on how to calm yourself in the moment.
Step 2: The Antidote to Frustration - Vulnerablility
Get vulnerable. I know that’s not probably something you want to hear, but it is the thing that will pique your spouse or partner’s interest. When you can talk about how you are feeling, your spouse will more likely listen to what you are saying. This is really important to practice. Being vulnerable is something NO ONE likes, especially when you’ve been fighting with someone who knows where all your buttons are!
Here are some Do’s and Don’ts for being vulnerable:
Don’t
Tell them how they’re screwing up.
Say something vulnerable, then say how they’re doing something wrong.
Talk about what you’re doing. Talk about what you’re feeling.
Talk about anger, irritation, or frustration - that’s defensive and will only push them away.
Don’t provide excuses.
Do
Talk about difficult feelings inside you.
Talk about fear, sadness, loneliness, hurt.
Slow down and apologize and take ownership for what you’ve done.
When you can slow yourself down and talk to your spouse from a vulnerable place, you can ease the frustration you’re feeling and stop it from spilling onto your spouse. It’s important to remember that frustration is a way for you to create distance, but that distance will hurt your relationship and your spouse.
If you are finding yourself frustrated and seeing the relationship take. a nosedive in those moments, I recommend seeing a therapist who can help you with slowing down the conversation. For more general information on couples/marriage counseling, please see my marriage counseling page. If you are in Minnesota and you are needing help, you can contact me by phone at: 612.230.7171, or by emailing me through my contact page.
Take good care.