If we were to trust pop culture, our opinion of marriage counseling might be rather skewed. There are the ugly screaming matches on the way to inevitable divorce. Then we have the litany of witty one-liners as the couple puts all their problems behind them.
In reality, well…there’s reality. Marriage counseling is a flexible process very much shaped by each individual participant. The complaints vary widely: in-laws, raising kids, being too preoccupied at work,
If both partners commit to listening and receiving better, they can develop the necessary tools to deal with the future’s inevitable surprises.
Reasons Couples Come to Marriage Counseling
The variations here are endless. Literally. Endless. What I’ve found are the common themes beneath the nuances. Here are a few examples:
Premarital Counseling
This is a great place to start a relationship (and this list). Some couples have the foresight to discuss all the problems below and more. As a result, they can understand some of their patterns of conflict, and how they can cooperate to work against that pattern of conflict. Guess what this means? It means you don’t have to unwind years of a pattern becoming ingrained in your lives. You’re giving yourselves a gift.
Communication Breakdown
The foundation of your connection is frequent, honest, respectful, and face-to-face communication. When this breaks down, many schisms can form. Too often, I have clients who come in and express their hurt or fear along with a dollop of anger. It’s that anger that often gets the attention of the listener instead of the more vulnerable emotions like pain, fear, or hurt. This can be doubly hurtful, because you’re trying to communicate something that isn’t being heard, and it still doesn’t get heard! Understanding how to soften what you say and open your ears just a little wider can help.
Life in the Digital Age
Speaking of communication, those devices in your pocket can be detrimental to your relationship’s health. It is essential to openly discuss everything from social media to texting styles to staying present with each other. Devices can serve as a virtual “exit” for couples. Instead of staying present and being connected and engaged, you can feel like your partner has departed without physically departing.
When that digital “exit” is taken, it can feel intensely personal - like the other person somehow doesn’t want to be around you. What do you do in that circumstance? Do you yell at them to get them back into your orbit? Do you suffer in silence? Either way, your relationship is suffering.
Finances
One of the most common disputes any couple can endure. Why is it so common? Money serves to abstract the needs of the seller and buyer. If we were still bartering and you needed a laptop, but only had goats to trade, you’d have to find a laptop manufacturer that could also use a steady stream of goats. What a predicament! Instead, money lets us exchange our goats to common units and we can get what we need without the hassle of looking for a combination laptop factory/goat farm.
It’s this abstraction that gets us into trouble in relationships around money. It makes invisible our needs that money fulfills. For many, money means survival. Having enough on hand means you can heat and keep a roof over your head. But it can also mean things that may not be so obvious. Money can mean security in life. Ever hear of people who’ve experienced famine or economic depression who now hoard plastic bags? They do this because on some level, saving things means security. But if you come to your partner who is working 80 hour weeks in order to earn more and think that money to them means more disposable income and “toys”, it can spark an argument. I mean, how many cars do you truly need? Money hides the true purpose, so you may not understand their motivation
Sexual Issues
Once the proverbial honeymoon phase is over, it can leave you wondering how in the world to reinvent intimacy. Don’t understand how your sexual desire can be so different from your spouse or partner’s? I wrote an article to help people talk about their sexual desire a while back. It seems to help - check it out. To be clear, there are always differences in sexual desire. Everyone is different, so everyone has a different “set point” which feels “right” with regard to sex.
Men also tend to experience sex as a primary bonding experience more than women. When that isn’t happening at the rate they desire, it will be more likely to signal “relationship danger” than it would to female spouses.
I have yet to see as many long-term studies in these dynamics in same-sex couples. However, anecdotally, I have seen same-sex couples demonstrate the different tendencies between men and women. These comments reflect opinions on Cis-gendered relationships. I do not have enough experience in trans-gender couples to professionally comment.
Infidelity or Betrayal
I compare couples counseling to learning to ballroom dance. I’m here helping you use a different dance for your relationship, because the one you’re doing is getting you stepping on each other’s toes. But when there’s been betrayal, whether that’s physical or emotional, it can feel for the injured partner like the ground is going to fall from underneath them. If you’re getting instruction on dance moves while being worried that the floor is going to collapse, you’re not going to pay attention to anything I’m saying. You’re going to keep looking for the nearest exit and staying ready to run.
When I explain to couples what it’s like to be in injured by an affair, I tell them it’s like a bomb has gone off. There’s a lot of pain and injury. It can even feel physical for the injured partner (I’ve heard different things like a pit in the stomach, headaches, a hole or tightness in your chest.)
Then there’s the disorientation and confusion. Because it’s often a surprise, it can feel random for the injured partner. And if something has injured them at random, there’s nothing they can do except look around every corner for another bomb to go off. This is called hyper-vigilance. For the affair injured partner, it may feel like a compulsion to check every way their partner might be cheating on them again. For the affair-involved partner, it can feel like an unrelenting attack and character assassination. It is pleasant for neither party.
If you want to read more about my thinking on infidelity, I’ve written on my approach to affair recovery and several blog posts on infidelity.
Extended/Blended Families
You fell in love with someone but, more times than not, it’s a package deal. It could be nosy in-laws. Maybe it’s kids from a previous marriage. A lot of what agitates people in fights around in-laws is the feeling that your spouse’s other family feels more important to them than the one that they’re creating with you. Other family can mean their family of origin, or it can mean the family they had in a prior marriage.
If that’s happening, it’s easy for couples to fight because one of you may be reflexively “fighting for the relationship.” The result of that fighting, though, is more hurt instead of more understanding. Getting under the anger and fighting is an essential step to calming down the conversation so that both of you can understand more fully what the other person is experiencing.
Closure (Couples on the brink)
There is a healthy way to end a relationship (and this list). Couples counseling can help smooth that process. When couples are on the brink, I help them with Discernment Counseling. Discernment counseling is different from couples counseling. Couples counseling is a relationship repair process. Discernment only helps people to understand which of three paths they want to take in their relationship:
Keep everything the same
Amicably separate
Dedicate the next 6 months to working on the relationship in therapy
That’s it. But sometimes, when you’re on the brink of divorce and there’s ambivalence, getting clarity on your path helps relieve a lot of distress. At least you can move with intentionality, even if that intention is to keep everything the same.
The good news is when you’re doing discernment with me, I can help you understand what is possible in couples counseling because the majority of the people I see are couples. In this process, you get to uncover more truths about what you want as well as communicate to your spouse or partner what you want without it being wrapped up in a fight.
How Marriage Counseling Can Help You Listen and Receive Better
Take another look at the list above. Whatever issue resonates with you, there is a common element. If you and your partner listen and receive well, you are better positioned to resolve the complications. But what does that look and feel like?
No Distractions
Power down your phones and honor the importance of communication. There is nothing on that device that is more important than the health of your relationship.
Staying Curious
Yes, couples do fall into patterns. I specialize in helping couples understand the emotional patterns that are hijacking their relationship. Too often, one person may get triggered by something the other person said, and respond with either anger, shutdown, or avoidance. This in turn can trigger the other person, who responds with their “go-to” behavior. Things can ping-pong back and forth, escalating along the way.
The key is to be able to slow things down before the “plane takes off.” When people are triggered, they aren’t in a good “teachable moment.” They are often responding in a fight, flight, or freeze mode. The second place that can be fruitful to intercede is after the fight, where repairs are able to get made. Apologies here are required to heal the relationship. I wrote a piece on stopping familiar fights. This goes into more depth and might be helpful.
Accept Disagreement as Inevitable
You can have conflict yet still thrive. In fact, it’s the only possible path toward marital bliss. The goal is not perfection. Rather, you’re aiming to continue repairing the inevitable injuries. I’ve written a couple of pieces on how to listen and stopping the blaming.
Validation
Listen to all that’s being said before formulating a reply. Let your spouse know you’re taking the time to appreciate their perspective.
The Forgotten Details
Vocal inflections, tone, and volume
Facial expressions
Body language and posture
The importance of timing
Relationships Aren’t Rocket Science - They’re Just Really Hard.
It may feel instinctive to interact and react a certain way. Rest assured, you are certainly capable of changing your communication and listening style. Almost every couple I’ve worked with has said,” We’ve talked about this before, but I’ve never heard that.”
That’s because when you’re less defensive you can hear more, and when you’re less critical, more of what you say will land the way you want. In the beginning of therapy, I help couples realize this and learn how to repeat their successes in the “real world.”
If you want to know more about how I think about marriage or couples counseling, see my page where I go over my thoughts on marriage counseling. Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom). Contact me by calling me at 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page to schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.
I’m a couples therapy specialist that has helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck and would love to help you find a way out -together.