For the record, I don’t believe that couples counseling is the only way partners can improve their relationship. Sometimes reading a good relationship book can help you. Sometimes one person can start making changes that slow down the conversation, and the other partner or spouse can “slow their roll” too. But when you’re feeling alone in your relationship and can’t find a way back to each other, it may be time to get help.
When To Get Help With Your Relationship
Someone asked me recently when to start thinking about doing therapy. There are two things I tell people to look for:
Loneliness in the relationship - this means that despite you being connected on the surface by marriage or declaration to your partner, you don’t feel feel connection in your day to day interactions.
An inability to bridge that lonely gap - this means that when you try to talk about the loneliness, it isn’t met with the response that feels healing. For some couples, coming back together and talking about it is fraught with an added loneliness because the repair attempt doesn’t work. Continued disconnection and failure to heal will only head downhill.
Your Distress Is Normal
Maybe you have been raised to just “grin and bear it,'“ whatever comes your way. This has benefits in relationships because there are times when things don’t work out the way you want to immediately. You can’t have a long-term relationship and just break up when they don’t squeeze the sponges the first time. So you put up with it. But when things don’t work out repeatedly and you start feeling that disconnection, it can feel painful. You are expecting your person to be the one that’s there for you in the world. The one who has your back. And when they’re not there for you, it can feel extra painful and lonely.
You’re Not Being Whiny
So it isn’t “weak” or whiny to want the other person to be there for you. It’s -dare we say- human. You’re fighting for the other person. You’re fighting for your relationship. You’re fighting for a relationship where you can have your best friend watch your back. And isn’t that what you and your partner always wanted? Isn’t that what the love song industry was built on?
Some Science, So You Can Believe
Loneliness is distressing for people in relationship. We are created to connect to other people. It’s so important for us to connect to others that our brains evolved to do this. Some areas of our brain are dedicated to helping us understand what other people are going through. There is strong research showing that specific areas of the brain (The Fusiform Face Area) evolved to help us specifically recognize faces vs other objects. Our mirror neurons have evolved to plug what we see happening to other people into the limbic system that we used to feel our own emotions. We experience less pain when we can hold the hand of our partner.
Can we just read something that will help?
You sure can. As an EFT trained therapist, I love Sue Johnson’s work. She’s one of the few therapists who also is a great researcher and has the most outcome research on her method of therapy. So she knows a thing or two about doing therapy, as well as having measured efficacy of her modality. I recommend Dr. Johnson’s first book, Hold Me Tight, as a primer on what happens between couples that causes them distress. I also like this workbook that some of my couples use to discuss their relationship. It’s the Couples Therapy Workbook for Healing by Lori Cluff Schade, PhD. It’s a nice step by step guide that helps explain some of the more complex principles in EFT.
But neither of these books will help if what you’re doing is bargaining with yourself that you need help.
The Hard Part About Seeking Help Is Admitting You Need Help
Sometimes, it’s not about finding the right book, or trying the right theories, but it’s about admitting to yourself that you need help. If you’re finding yourself feeling lonely in your relationship, and there hasn’t been any relief, no matter what you try, this is the time to change the trajectory in your relationship. I’ve seen too many couples wait several decades to change. It’s definitely more tiring to shift that dynamic.
Here’s the good news about admitting that you need help - that courage to show up as who you are, with your whole heart, is the same courage you need to repair your relationship. I invite both of you to start the journey to heal and come back together.
If you want to find out more about how I think about marriage or couples counseling, read through my marriage counseling page. If you want help changing the way you respond to your spouse or partner and you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I work with couples to uncover the underlying emotional processes that are hijacking their relationship. I use EFT principles and a Gottman structure to help couples uncover what’s been going wrong and help each other heal the relationship. I am physically in Edina, west of Minneapolis, but am seeing everyone by video. Contact me at 612.230.7171, or email me via my contact page.