Thanks to pop culture, many of us have a skewed perception of relationship strife. SitComs and romantic comedies, in particular, often portray arguments as comedy.
In this case, life does not imitate art. I know this from experience. I’ve had couples fight over ALL the kitchen appliances. How to load the dishwasher. Not cleaning up after using the coffeemaker. Not squeezing out sponges. Too much spaghetti on my plate. It can seem comical when presented in a list like this.
But when you and your partner are locked into your fighting cycle, it is NOT funny. Not even close.
Fighting: Normal But Rarely Funny
Disagreement is inescapable. Thus, times of conflict are a normal part of any connection. At one end of the spectrum, however, you have couples who claim to “never” fight. This does not reflect profound compatibility. It’s more likely a case of careful avoidance.
In other words, while it’s not productive to view fighting as funny, it’s also unhealthy to think you can avoid arraign at times.
This is not a license to provoke fights or behaving like a meany. Rather, when both partners accept the inevitability of differences, they don’t view fights as threatening to their bond. But… some type of fighting can be incredibly dysfunctional. This includes wars being waged over spaghetti servings and soggy sponges.
Why Do We Fight Over Ridiculous Things?
You might sum up the answer to that question like this: safety. It doesn’t feel dangerous to gripe about your spouse’s dishwasher-loading talents. However, it might feel catastrophic to introduce a conversation about, say… sexual issues, money problems, a prying mother-in-law, or different viewpoints on child-rearing.
These “big” problems remain unaddressed, but the pressure builds. The resentment festers. Then, in a flash, you find a messy coffeemaker and you explode. It feels petty. An hour later, you might laugh about it. But that explosion had underlying causes that you’re both afraid to discuss.
How to Deal With “SitCom” Fights
Stop Laughing
You’re not SitCom characters. You and your partner are real people who must recognize that you are struggling. A major step toward ending ridiculous fights is to see them for what they are. They are like the proverbial engine warning light on your car.
Work on Your Communication Styles
Disagreements — large or small — require healthy communication to resolve. This will be your foundation.
Ironically, the ridiculous, seemingly low stakes fights can serve as a great place to hone your skills. When you look down and see twice as much spaghetti as asked for, use it as an opportunity to practice. This will help you immensely when it comes time to tackle the major issues lurking just beneath the surface.
Avoid Avoidance
If you stonewall or choose a passive-aggressive approach, the result is a very temporary reprieve from a deep discussion. It’s tempting, but it does nothing but make things worse. Get in the habit of speaking honestly about your feelings.
No Threats
First and foremost, never — ever — make physical threats. Also, reject the urge to give ultimatums, raise your voice, or present with aggressive body language. Allow respect, compassion, and self-compassion to guide your words and actions.
Be Patient
Patterns of disagreement become embedded. They become your default setting. Therefore, the work that needs to be done is not of the quick-fix variety. Commit with your significant other to work as a team. No more “funny” business when it comes to the serious stuff.
I’ve worked with plenty of couples stuck in this kind of cycle. Let’s connect on a free consultation to start turning the ridiculous into the sublime. If you want to find out more about couples or marriage counseling, check out my thoughts on marriage and relationships. If you’re in Minnesota, you can work with me by contacting me either by phone: 612.230.7171, email me through my contact form.