“I’m the logical one, and my spouse is the emotional one” is a common refrain — especially from men. I mean, logic is a good thing… right? After all, someone has to keep their feet on the ground and be practical. And if the other partner is more pie-in-the-sky, well, that’s enough emotion for any relationship. Right? Right?
I’m here to tell you that the whole “I’m logical” thing is a trap. You say it and you might even believe it but, in the end, you’re probably just avoiding your emotions.
Is it Good or Bad to Be Logical?
Short answer: Yes.
Longer answer: Like virtually everything else you can be, logic is best judged within context.
If you just bought an end table that requires assembly, it helps if one of you is the type to carefully follow the enclosed instructions. However, if one partner is desperately anxious about a presentation they have to give at work, they probably don’t want or need an intellectual answer. They need the “right” answer; they seek validation (see #1 below).
In addition, as you’re about to see, logic can be an effective disguise for avoidance. You suppress emotions but end up looking good for doing so. You’re seen as reliable and mature when you calmly resort to rational thought in a time of intense feelings. Meanwhile, your partner is left to carry the emotional load (see #3 below).
3 Ways “Being Logical” and Avoiding Emotions is Hurting Your Relationship
1. Your Partner is Looking for Reassurance, Not Answers
A big part of comforting a loved one is listening. It’s not always the case that they’re seeking answers. When you head directly into “solving” the problem at hand, your logic may look like impatience. It may even feel patronizing, as if their fears or worries are “foolish.” Hence, your logical nature discounts the source of their concern.
2. Being Anything Too Much is Counterproductive
There’s a time and place for logic. Being logical all the time is inappropriate. Being anything all the time is counterproductive. No one is expecting you to surrender reasonable thought. Embrace this capacity and unleash it when the situation calls for it, e.g. when someone actually asks for your help.
3. Emotions Are Not Meant to Be Avoided
The biggest danger logic presents to a relationship is the avoidance of emotions. By communicating to your spouse or partner that you don’t want to hear their emotions, they may be left feeling alone and unimportant.
Who has time for messy emotions when there’s an issue to be mastered? In reality, those “messy emotions” just might be where the deepest learning happens. It might be where the strongest connections are created.
All That Said, Counseling is a Logical Choice
There is no logical way to understand how logic can derail a connection. It may require sitting in a room with your partner — and an experienced therapist. Couples counseling creates room to explore:
When your logic is invalidating your partner’s experiences
Why it’s okay to show your “emotional side”
How to tap into the power of both logic and emotion to connect more deeply
Why emotions can feel scary while also helping you and your partner grow
This isn’t about either partner being right or wrong, about being logical or emotional. As with most relationship issues, it’s all about balance. Configuring that balance requires diligent work and the guidance I’m trained to provide. Let’s work together to help you benefit from all aspects of each other’s personality. Sounds logical, right?
If you want to find out more about how I think about marriage counseling, read through my marriage counseling page. If you want help changing the way you respond to your spouse or partner and you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I am physically in Edina, west of Minneapolis, but am seeing everyone by video. Contact me at 612.230.7171, or email me via my contact page.