Ways To Help Your Couples Therapy: For Couples Who Are Still Fighting

Even with the most invasive therapies, there are usually ways they can help recovery.  After post knee-surgery you can do things even if you aren’t very mobile. Tip one? Don’t smoke.  I’m told that smoking doubles your recovery time. Tip two? Rest. And so it goes with therapy too. For you and your spouse/partner, there are some exercises you can do even if you’re still fighting at home.  

If you are just starting couples therapy, the exercises i’d recommend are about yourself, not your partner.  The first set of exercises are really self noticing exercises. If you and your spouse/partner are still fighting a lot, there’s a lot of work that needs to be done before both of you can go off and defuse arguments yourselves.  Instead, these exercises help both of you gain an understanding of how you fight so you can better talk about it in session.  Here are some of those exercises:

Exercises To Help Your Marriage Counseling

1. Notice your body when you are not fighting.  Are their aches? Is there pain? Are you feeling pretty good?  How deeply do you breathe in?  

2. When are you getting triggered.  What happens to your body? Is there any tension? Tightening? Pain?  Where does the sensation reside? Your temple? Your chest? Your neck?  Your hamstrings?

3. What are your triggers?  Is it something that makes you feel cornered?  Is it something that makes you feel small? Is it something that generates fear of your loved one leaving? Is it a tone you hear in their voice?  

4. What lets you calm down after you get triggered?  Is it time away from the other person? Is it some kind of resolution for your argument?  Is it your partner coming back and saying “sorry?”

Working through exercises like these can help you get practice   I also believe that preventing additional injuries to the relationship should be a priority for any counseling. The exercises avoid having two people trigger each other. They help to ground each person in their experience. They don’t ask the person to convince their partner of anything or change any dynamic.

Starting to notice how you’re fighting and how you’re getting triggered and how you calm down is potent stuff.  It will help to bring this data back into the therapy room and discuss with your partner what really triggered you.  It will also benefit you because eventually, as you start noticing the antecedents to your triggers, you can begin to take action to pause the activity or conversation -but that’s for another blog entry.  If you’re still fighting, just notice, and bring your observations into your sessions. You and your partner will thank you for it.

If you find yourselves triggered and fighting or being painfully silent, I recommend Emotionally Focused Therapy.  So often, fights start way before the fights. EFT helps address the runaway emotional processes that trigger couples and keep them stuck.  Find out more about it on my marriage counseling page. If you’re in the Minneapolis area, feel free to contact me for help. I’m in Edina, near Southdale Mall. You can contact me the following ways: Phone: 612.230.7171, email through my web form, or click the button below to reserve a time for a 15 minute phone conversation.  I look forward to talking with you. 

Take good care.