Apologies can be hard to give. You have to find the right time for one. You have to be in the mood to give one. You have to genuinely feel like it. You spend a LOT of energy giving apologies. So why does it fall flat sometimes? Here are the top 5 reasons why apologies fall flat in relationships:
They’re paired with blame. “I’m sorry I insulted you, but you can’t just scream at me and call me names and expect me to just take it.” Blame refocuses the listener from the thing that’s meant to heal to the thing that is hurting them again. This will likely fall flat because they’re listening to the very loud “Blame Blast” instead of the apology. John Gottman, in his couples research, talks about how it takes 5 repair attempts to make up for 1 injury. Here, you are, already trying to make up for one injury by apologizing, and wrapping it with another injury. Ouch!
They’re really not apologies for anything you’ve done. Are you trying to apologize about something you’ve done or are you apologizing that your loved one got wet in the rain? Here’s a common example: “I’m sorry you’re feeling hurt.” At best, this may get you 2% of the way to finishing the apology. At worst, your spouse or partner may feel like they’re not being listened to. It may feel like like you don’t want to take responsibility. Imagine running over your partner’s foot in your car, stepping out of the car, looking at their broken foot, and saying,”I’m sorry your foot is hurting.” I’d be pretty mad.
They’re not specific enough. Apologies have to be specific to be effective. When your partner starts complaining about something and you say,”I’m sorry! I’m sorry!” it can ironically be taken as you wanting to shut them up, not addressing anything you’ve done.
You’re unintentionally invalidating. “Sorry, but at the same time, can we just get over this and look forward instead of back?” Here’s a secret. Apologies have to feel like their for the listener. If there’s a request at the back end that’s for the speaker, the listener isn’t going to hear the “I apologize” part.
You’re still angry and fighting. This one may seem like an obvious way that an apology wouldn’t work, but when you’re in the thick of things, there may be times when you know you should probably apologize but can’t because “Dang it! I’m so angry I’m still trying to tell her how she’s wrong!”
It takes energy to take responsibility to examine your actions. It takes energy to admit to yourself you’re wrong. It takes energy to muster up the courage to talk to your partner when you just fought. If you just had to change the way you apologized and make your apology more effective, would you?
For more thoughts on couples counseling, check out my page on the topic. If you’re near Edina in the Twin Cities area, you can reach out to me via phone: 612.230.7171, send me an email via my contact form, or click on the button below to schedule a free 15 minute phone call with me. I look forward to talking with you.
Take good care.