Isn’t it good to be nice? Didn’t your mother say,”If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say it?” So then how could it be working against you in your marriage?
When I say “married to you,” I mean the real you. Though it may seem “nice” to stuff your needs in service of giving your spouse what they seem to need, there’s often a limited time you can do this and while you’re doing it, they won’t be able to know the real you.
Relationships are about bringing all the good stuff and the bad stuff into your spouse’s awareness and dealing with them together. When you “stuff” the discomfort you’re feeling, even when the intentions are good, it keeps your partner from being truly in a relationship with you. Instead, they’re in a relationship with some idealized version of you.
Stuffing Feelings: An Adaptation
There are a lot of reasons to stuff your feelings. You may be stuffing it because:
It’s uncomfortable being in a fight.
You don’t want to hurt your spouse or partner.
The issue is uncomfortable - maybe you don’t have a lot of experience talking about sex, in-laws, or conflict.
You may just think “I can just let this go.”
You may think “I’m being dumb for letting that get to me.”
You may think “it’s not a big deal.”
You may have seen too many fights go south and want to protect the relationship from getting injured.
You may be trying to protect other people around you, because when you and your spouse fight, other family members might be collateral damage.
You might be stuffing it because the fights happen in public, and that’s really embarrassing and makes you feel worse.
You might be stuffing it because the kids hear it, and you don’t want to burden them with the fighting.
Reasons Not To Stuff It: Getting Seen By Your Spouse.
With so many reasons to stuff it, why do anything else? That’s a great question - even if you’re not fighting, your spouse doesn’t get to see the “real you.” Let’s take a really tame example. Let’s say your spouse has cooked for the whole day and made a squash casserole. It’s elaborate and she’s excited about it. You take the first bite under her watchful gaze because she really wants to please you, but the first bite makes you queasy. What do you do? If you stuff it, guess what you’ll be eating at least once every other week? If you do tell her what’s going on, there’s a difficult conversation ahead.
This was a tame example. But what if she was really excited about something new to try in the bedroom, but it’s not your speed? Do you really want to role play a baker when it’s just not your thing? And how long are you going to let the charade go on? Perhaps until you lose interest in sex?
So you see how stuffing it keeps you from being seen, and lessens the connection you two can have because the real you doesn’t show up. Now multiply these examples once a day for 365 days a year times 10 years. How does it sound to keep having to stuff it? Yet maybe you’ve done it for a while.
Stuffing Your Feelings In Service Of Reducing Fighting
Let’s talk about the other major reason why you’d stuff your feelings - to reduce/avoid fighting. This one can be particularly tough. It’s perfectly valid to want to reduce fighting. At first it may work - why fight when, with passing of time, feelings can calm down and you can reduce the distress in your relationship?
This can lead to some real surprises down the road because you eventually stop being able to stuff your feelings, and that can lead to a really explosive outcome. Stuffing your feelings in your relationship can be like holding a river back with a dam. Without any relief, that dam will eventually burst. An outburst onto someone who’s been in a relationship with “the polite you” can feel extra hurtful.
So are the only options to stuff it or to fight? No. There are other ways. Fighting often occurs because people get emotionally triggered. What are emotional triggers? Emotional triggers are the outcome of your past dictating (not influencing) your present. They are often emotionally dangerous situations that have taught you to react defensively. And when one person reacts defensively, often times the other person gets triggered and does the same.
The solution to this triggering is to go slow. Check out my post on going slow and how you might be able to do it with your partner or spouse.
If you want to read more of my thoughts on marriage, check out my marriage counseling page. If you are in the Minneapolis area, I can help you emerge from your “stuffed state” and reduce your fighting at the same time. You can call me at 612-230-7171, email me by filling out my web form, or click on the button below to schedule a time to talk.
Take good care.