Couples come to me sometimes talking so fast about how awful the other person is that I can’t understand them. Their words are like two machine guns that go so quickly that I can’t decipher what each of them is saying. These clients are going fast to go slow. They’re mashing on the gas. They’re spinning their wheels. They’re stuck in the mud because of it.
Here’s another scenario that seems less dramatic, but can be just as hurtful. Jeff and Wanda (names and details are changed) are married with two kids and keep having fights over stupid things: Squeezing out sponges. How much tomato sauce to put in the spaghetti. Getting yelled at while offering to take the kids to the park so the other one can sleep. They fight so much that they feel like they’ve been living like roommates with a well oiled chore chart and no closeness.
How is it they get stuck in the mud by going too fast? By paying too much attention to details that don’t matter and not enough to emotions that hijack their relationship. When they came in, they wanted me to arbitrate between them. Wanda wanted Jeff to hear how important it was to squeeze out sponges to prevent mildew. Jeff wanted me to tell Wanda how stupid it was to yell a him for wanting to do a nice thing for her and take the kids out to the park so she could nap.
What they weren’t doing was really understanding why their partner was angry. They didn’t recognize that they were somehow triggering their partner and causing a blast of anger to pour out. They also didn’t recognize that their response to that blast was to blast their spouse back.
Do you read about Jeff and Wanda and see yourself in this scenario? Are you going fast, spinning your wheels and getting stuck in the mud? It is totally understandable. So many couples have this experience - fighting about dumb things and creating real wounds in the relationship as a result. I’ll give you one word that contributes so much to this dynamic: triggers.
Triggers.
When I talk to engineers, I tell them that it’s a non-linear response to stimuli. When I talk to others, I say,”What is a trigger? It’s a device that allows you to apply a few ounces of force to release a tremendous force. It’s evidence that your past is dictating - not informing - your present.
What’s causing this? What does “past dictating your present” mean?
The reaction you have to being triggered often looks like rage or anger. What you do with that anger depends on the person. Some people yell. Some people get quiet. Some people physically leave. Some people “get a tone.” Whatever the form it takes, it’s designed to keep your spouse or partner at bay. Why? Keeping that person away in the moment makes you feel safe. When you’re triggered, you’re responding to threat. And when your spouse or partner is causing you to feel unsafe, anger keeps them at a distance.
The problem with this anger is that it hurts your partner and damages the relationship. Despite how righteous you may feel in the moment, it probably means that you will have some apologizing to do. So what’s the solution?
Understand Your Partner
If it just seems like they’re doing things to hurt you, there’s little understanding or empathy you can give them. Who wants to give empathy to someone who’s just being a jerk? But when you get calm, can you imagine that they might be going through their own difficult emotions? Here are two articles I’ve written to help you navigate what your partner might be experiencing:
Why Does My Spouse “Come At Me?”
“My Spouse Goes Away or Gets Silent.”
Go Slower
This means getting your heart rate down. This means getting your stress level down. It means getting calm. So reference my Square Breathing exercise article. This will help you activate your para-sympathetic nervous system. This part of your nervous system is responsible for calming you down.
Do you meditate? No? Try the OMM app. One Moment Meditation. It helps you meditate in a 60 second span. Meditation calms you down by disrupting emotional loops that your limbic system is experiencing.
Can you get space from the person you’re arguing with? Here’s the trick - if you just leave, your spouse may experience your departure as abandonment. In calmer times, agree to taking a timeout with an agreed time to reconvene. Try out something like the following:
“Sometimes when we’re arguing, we go round and round and I get overwhelmed and I can’t hear anything you’re saying. I want to have a way we can both agree to pause and reconvene at a specific time to continue our conversation. I want to hear what you have to say, and I need to calm down in order to do it. Can we do that? What language can we use when we’re in an argument to signal that we want to follow this plan?”
Make sure to reconvene at the agreed upon time and check in to see if you both are in a space where you can hear each other. If not, ask for more time and a specific time to reconvene. Then meet back up at the agreed upon time.
What Happens When You Get Good At Going Slow.
The pause is one of the first ways that you can intervene in your pattern of fighting. It helps you put on the brakes after you’ve been going too fast. But later, you’ll be able to identify this pattern of fighting before you’ve gone too fast. Instead of asking for a timeout, you’ll be able to be curious in the moment and ask,”Why are you saying that? That’s really hurtful.” This statement, when said with vulnerability, will let your spouse know that you’re trying to tell them you hurt, not that you’re pissed off that they’re “evil.”
If you can’t slow things down, a couples therapist can help. As a couples counselor, I prefer using EFT (Emotionally Focused Therapy). This approach pays addresses the runaway emotional processes that trigger couples and keep them stuck. See more about this on my marriage counseling page. If you’re in the Minneapolis area, feel free to contact me for help. I’m in Edina, near Southdale Mall. You can contact me the following ways: Phone: 612.230.7171, email through my web form, or click the button below to reserve a time for a 15 minute phone conversation.
Be well.