I’ve heard this refrain time and time again from the clients that come into my office. Usually they’re talking about a perpetual fight. Sometimes they’re talking about patterns in their arguments that seem to go round and round and never resolve. What they’re saying is that they’re missing information when they’re having discussions outside of the office. Typically it’s a detail that significantly changes their perception of the discussion. This may seem alarming, but as a marriage therapist, it makes sense that it’s happening. What’s going on here, and how are you supposed to break out of this seeming relationship prison?
Is It Just Bad Memory?
I will tell you that people’s record of events is generally bad. There’s this popular test:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahg6qcgoay4
But what is happening with couples is an additional complicating factor. This factor is in the relationship. Sometimes, when a couple is having an argument, one person may get triggered. What is a trigger? If we think of the metaphor of a trigger, it is a device that allows us to use just a few ounces of force to unleash a tremendous force.
In couples, triggers can come from your life growing up. It can come from prior arguments you’ve had with your spouse or partner. It can come from traumatic events you’ve experienced before. What is common in all of these examples is that there is a disproportionate nervous system response to something the other person said. Often times, it doesn’t stop there. Once person 1 is triggered, they react in a way that triggers person 2. Then person 2 reacts and triggers person 1 back. Then it’s a kind of ping pong with each lob of the ping pong adding more and more energy to the argument. In the end, there’s a supersonic ping pong ball flying and someone’s going to get hurt.
Fight. Flight. Freeze.
Now here’s the trick - there’s a disproportionate nervous system response, but it can look different in different people. Everyone has a “go-to” way they deal with triggers:
Some people “get big” or “get loud” or “go towards” or “fight.”
Some people “run away” or “get super logical”
Some people “get silent” or “” or “get quiet” or “freeze”.
When someone is in one of these modes, they are not accessible. Furthermore, it isn’t personal. Instead, they’re operating on a very survival-based level that is built into all of our brains so that we can react quickly to danger. This survival mode was honed long ago and operates very quickly, but doesn’t have much subtlety.
Attacking Or Defending: Neither Works
So when the speaker is triggered and is attacking, their message is not likely to land as they intended. The ironic thing is when anger is in the room, it demands attention instead of the speaker’s message. When the listener is triggered, they are defensive, and can’t take in much information. So by the time couples come in, they often quickly get to attacking and defending, and as a consequence, not much information gets transmitted.
Why Couples Hear Things Differently In The Therapy Room
The key to this is slowing things way down. When one of you gets triggered, you’ll likely go really fast. Once you go really fast, there won’t be much new information taken in, and the a lot of the reactions you have to each other will likely feel like an attack.
In the therapy room, I slow people down in service of understanding what it is they’re trying to communicate. You can come in with anger, but I’ll wonder what’s going on underneath it. Here’s an example of something that happened in my therapy office (names and details have been changed to protect identities):
Gabe: I’m so PISSED off!
Me: Woah! Woah! What just happened? You’re so angry!
Gabe: Yes, I’m angry!
Me: Help me understand, Gabe. It seems so, so important to you that Chelsea clear her dishes in the morning and put them in the dishwasher.
Gabe: Yes, I know this sounds stupid, and it is, but I’m tired of talking about this like it’s nothing to her. I don’t ask for much, but I ask for a clean kitchen! But I’m asking her twice a day for this and it’s like she either doesn’t hear me or doesn’t care!
Me: Ah, it’s because you feel like she doesn’t care!
Gabe: Yes! It’s like I’m nothing!
Me: Oh, it’s like you don’t matter?
Gabe: I don’t feel like I matter at all! I can’t even get her to do this simple thing. It’s like I’m back where I grew up and everyone is just too busy to care.
In this exchange, we started with anger and got down to something much more vulnerable. We got to Gabe feeling hurt. We got to him feeling unheard and alone. These are things that his wife Chelsea will be much more likely to hear and understand than anger. This is why you may hear something different in counseling than out in the world.
I Don’t Want To Be In Counseling Forever!
Don’t worry, I don’t want you to, either. My job is to make me obsolete. First you’ll see me intervene so you can get the experience of feeling heard by the other person. Then you’ll start practicing those skills of listening and fighting-intervention out in the world. Then eventually, you’ll be able to do it yourselves. To read more about my thoughts on marriage counseling, stop by my marriage counseling page.
If you’re in the Minneapolis area, I can help you hear and be heard. Call me at 612-230-7171, send me an email through my contact form, or click the button below to have a 15 minute consult to see how I might be able to help.
I look forward to seeing how I can help. Take good care.