I’m an interventional couples counselor. My couples counseling is very different than my individual therapy methods. Here’s what it means in a nutshell:
I intervene to generate safety in the relationship so that people can access vulnerable emotions. Both of you spewing anger at each other isn’t productive, so I help people talk about ways you are hurt.
I help you make sense of the pattern of behavior that both of you are in. Every couple that comes in has a fighting pattern. You’ll have one too. Knowing that pattern will eventually help you stop it before it happens.
Generate clarity. Both of you probably have things going on inside that aren’t understood by your partner. I help you divulge those things, whether they’re feelings or an understanding of the world. This is an important piece so both of you can grapple with what’s in front of you in a real way.
I help you orient to each other. Sometimes, with anger flying so fast and furiously, you may not realize that your partner isn’t actually mad sometimes. Or you may be suspicious when they say nice things. Looking them in the eyes may help you orient and really know what they intend.
I help you calm your systems. It probably doesn’t surprise you to know that being pissed doesn’t help abate the arguing. I’ll help you calm your own selves as well as calm the space in between you two.
I’ll help you listen deeply. What does that mean? Listening deeply means that you’re intending to understand what your partner means when they’re speaking. You’re not thinking about your next comeback while they’re talking. You’re asking questions. You’re open to understanding.
I’ll help you ask for what you need without getting triggered. This is a later stage. When you are able to calm, listen deeply, and do all of the things above, you’ll be ready to do this.
Things I don’t Do With Couples
I don’t let you both vent. If I’m seeing you for individual therapy, you can vent a lot. But if I’m seeing you and your partner for couples counseling, I won’t invite you to do that. Why? Because one person’s vent can hurt a LOT to the other person.
I generally don’t send you home with a lot of homework. Most couples don’t end up doing the exercises anyway.
Tell you you should be doing some kind of new behavior in between sessions. I won’t say,”Please greet your wife every time she comes home.” I will discuss how it is for you to hear your wife come home and wonder why it is you’re not responding to them.
I won’t dive right into your childhood and point it out as the fault for your relationship woes. Yes, childhood trauma can make current day relationships more difficult to be in. We’ll be staying mostly in the present day. If you want to discuss how the past is starting to come up for you, we’ll talk about that. But it won’t be the first place we go.
I won’t walk through the chore wheel that you both agreed on and assign a new chore to each of you. I try to avoid being a simple referee. Why? Because you both are adults and can decide on simple things like that. What I help you pay attention to is the underlying emotional dynamic that hijacks your relationship. Once that’s taken care of, you’ll divide those chores with no problem!
This is a bit about how I do things. Other therapists may do things differently, but this is how I do things. My methods are intentional and have as the final goal that you both feel you have a partner who has your back. If you’re looking for a marriage therapist, pick out some of the things that really resonated with you and ask them about that topic. You’ll understand if they’re the right style for you.
If you want to know more about marriage counseling, visit my marriage counseling page. If you are near Edina in the twin cities area, I can help you. Contact me via phone at 612.230.7171, email me using my web form, or click on the button below to scheduel a free 15-minute consultation. Be Well.