Here’s the secret no one told you before getting married. When you’re fighting about squeezing out the sponges, it’s never really about squeezing out the sponges. Couples even in the middle of fighting over squeezing out the sponge will laugh about the ridiculousness of it all, but will resume blasting each other when they get back in touch with the hurt the other person caused them.
So what is the issue you’re fighting over? Can you think of other things underneath that might be flaring up? Here are issues couples talk about lying underneath: Underlying Emotions:
Feeling invalidated
Feeling as if you’re “not allowed” to feel a certain way.
Feeling alone in the marriage
Feeling like you don’t matter
Feeling like you are being criticized
Feeling unimportant
Feeling unheard
Feeling like your spouse doesn’t care
There are often underlying emotional processes that are hijacking your relationships. These processes can surprise you because they operate underneath topics like “sponges” or “taking out the trash.” What’s happening in these emotional processes is that one or both of you are getting triggered.
Triggers deliver surprises
What are triggers, anyway? I tell people that triggers are events that elicit disproportionate emotional responses. Physical triggers are devices that allow us to use a few ounces of force to unleash a tremendous outcome. In that same way, “emotional triggers” in our environment surprise the people we’re with because they didn’t understand the underlying emotions that make their appearance as anger or frustration. They just saw things like “squeezing out the sponge,” but instead get “a lot of screaming,” or “the silent treatment.”
When triggers happen, (and they will happen) the triggered person is in an “unteachable moment.” They are responding urgently to signals from their limbic system in a fight, flight, or freeze reaction. The problem with this type of response is that it isn’t sophisticated. It is designed to get us out of life threatening situations, but can’t cope with the complexities of relational hurts. So instead of you saying,”I’m really hurt that you said that.” You respond with loud screaming, a shutdown, an avoidance of the other person, or even a physical fleeing.
Couples who experience this dynamic will often say that they know that they shouldn’t say anything in the moment, but can’t help themselves. And when they later review what was said, they often regret having said some things, as they recognize they weren’t helpful.
Interventions: What To Do When Nothing Works
So what to do in these situations? There are simple exercises to go through that I’ve written about before, such as square breathing. Definitely do this now. Square breathing is useful almost always. The last time I did square breathing was when I put my credit card into the grocery store card reader and noticed that the squirrel in my head was saying,”Come on! Come on! Hurry up!” Despite the fact that it had only been a fraction of a second I was waiting. I did two quick square breathing cycles and my shoulders stopped tensing and I could just - be - a - little - more - patient.
But how do you allow each other time for that to happen? This is an agreement between both of you that has to happen before you guys get in a triggered state. Both of you need to develop a common language for those times when you are both triggered. Couples have said,”We’re on our loop again!” or,” We’re on our racetrack!” And this is a “safe word” for both of them to recognize that they have to respect a cessation of conversation until a later time.
The biggest key for this to work is that last part: “until a later time.” You will agree with your partner on a time to check back in. Not a time to “solve” the issue, but a time to “check in” to see if they’re ready and you’re ready. This will keep anyone from feeling like they’re being given the cold shoulder or silent treatment.
If you’re having problems growing apart because one or both of you avoid the other after an argument, or you’re yelling at each other the same way over different things, I recommend couples counseling with an EFT therapist. EFT, or Emotionally Focused Therapy, pays attention to those difficult emotions underneath that are hijacking your relationship.
If you want to read more of my thoughts on marriage, check out my marriage counseling page. If you are in the Minneapolis area, I can help you emerge from your cycle of fighting and reconnect in a heartfelt and kind way. You can call me at 612-230-7171, email me by filling out my web form, or click on the button below to schedule a time to talk.
Take good care.