Deeply listening isn’t just for the speaker to feel heard.  It’s not just for the listener to get information. It’s also for the relationship to shift in the way it feels.

After some time of learning how to listen deeply to each other, you’ll wonder if both of you can walk out into the meadow yourselves.  Then you’ll realize that the window [of possibility] isn’t a window- it’s a door. And you’ll be excited to walk out the door with your spouse or partner and then it’ll rain. . .

It’s not actually any one particular topic - it’s the process of relating.  The thing that sends most spouses or partners to marriage counseling isn’t the topic - it’s the WAY things are discussed.

I intervene to slow down the conversation and talk about vulnerable emotions. Slowing down the conversation means we get to talk about really important and VULNERABLE stuff like you see in the example below.

Disconnection, whether that’s a full-on Hollywood movie type of brawl or two partners who are treating each other like roommates, can be painful in a way that isn’t like other hurts.  It can feel like an emotional amputation.

Don’t be a jerk. However, some people are in a relationship where they’re so afraid of hurting their partner that they end up “stuffing their feelings.” Eventually, that dynamic of “stuffing feelings” can do two very damaging things: 1. Accumulate resentment ventually accumulate and “leak out” in the way you treat your partner. 2. Prevent your partner from having a chance to be in relationship with the “real you!”

Strangely enough, when two people fight and become “more logical” or “more emotional,” during the fight, it can be because they are responding to runaway underlying emotions.  People commonly refer to this state as being “triggered.”