The Pain of Disconnection.
I wrote on one of my website pages that feeling disconnection from your partner is a special kind of pain. Here’s what I meant by that - disconnection, whether that’s a full-on Hollywood movie type of brawl or two partners who are treating each other like roommates, can be painful in a way that isn’t like other hurts. It can feel like an emotional amputation. It can feel like a real, physical injury.
When people are on this planet trying to find that “special someone” they’re not just trying to find a roommate. They’re not just trying to find a business partner. They’re not just trying to find a co-parent. They’re looking for someone with whom they’ll be safe. Someone who’ll join and say “I’m in,” even when life has delivered its worst blow. They want someone who will “have my back.” They are looking for a person who will believe in them even when others will doubt.
And when you’re disconnected from someone you expect will fulfill all of these wonderful roles, it can feel like an emotional amputation. As a therapist, I’ve heard people talking about tightness in their chest, their heart literally feeling like it hurts, like there is a hole in their chest, knots in their stomach, or about headaches.
In fact, I’ve treated many couples where one or both people are experiencing that pain in the therapy office. As we work on lessening the conflict and as each person starts understanding the intention of their partner, I’ve seen both the emotional as well as the physical pain lessen.
Some Tips To Help
Do you want to help reduce your partner’s pain? Here are some things I’ve seen that help couples lessen their emotional and physical pain:
Listen to your partner deeply- Are you giving small signs you’re listening? (Nods, uh huhs, quick reflections) Are you keeping yourself from concocting a response while you’re supposed to be listening?
Allow yourself to feel their pain - It’ll feel unpleasant, but your partner wants you to sit in the mud with them. Saying “I’m sorry I caused you pain,” or if you can’t manage that,”I’m sorry you’re feeling so hurt” can help show you’re sitting in it with them.
Accept your partner is feeling their pain - You can reflect what they say they’re feeling and NOT correct it. “Yeah, but can you get past it?” will not accelerate things and will likely make things worse.
Reflect the pain your partner is expressing - “You’re hurting so badly, honey.”
Own your own reactions - “Yeah, I am getting so angry.” “I’m not sure why I feel so distant from you.”
It’s easy to see how pain caused by a partner is really addressable by a partner because they’re the “cause.” But even when the pain doesn’t originate with a conflict between two partners, the connection to a partner can have measurable positive effects.
A study published in 2018 details how the touch of a partner can reduce the sensation of pain. With touch, an intimate partner can synchronize thier brain waves, heart rhythms, breathing, and reduce the sensation of pain.
Reporting on this study, Science Daily interviewed Pavel Goldstein, one of the researchers:
"It appears that pain totally interrupts this interpersonal synchronization between couples and touch brings it back," says Goldstein.
If you’re trying to lessen the pain your partner feels and it’s not landing, I highly encourage you to get help in the form of an experienced couples counselor. I’m partial to Emotionally Focused Therapy providers. If you’re in the western Twin Cities area, I can help and have immediate availability and evening hours. You can call me or make an appointment for a free consult via my online scheduler.
Take good care.