I tell people that one of the things that happens with couples who come into counseling with me is that both people get to deeply listen to each other. Sometimes this can resonate with people. Sometimes people say,” Huh?”
Deeply listening means different things to the speaker, the listener and to the relationship. This is where people get tripped up. Deeply listening isn’t just for the speaker to feel heard. It’s not just for the listener to get information. It’s also for the relationship to shift in the way it feels.
For the listener.
She’s not thinking of her grocery list…
For the listener, it means that they come into the interaction with the intention of understanding what the other person means. This is different than “what the other person is saying.” They want to know more. So they check in about what the speaker is saying. They’re attentive. They’re trying to understand what the person is saying. They want to understand where the other person is coming from.
I talk to people about how things landed on them. This means that the information has come from the brain of the speaker, through the speaker’s mouth, vibrated through the air, hit their ears, then their perception chooses what to pay attention to. That’s a lot of steps where things can be missed. It’s like a childhood game of telephone with 5 people in the chain.
How many times have you gotten into an argument and realized that you started out not understanding what the other person actually meant?
Here is a version of a common misunderstanding that can happen in a conversation.
“Well, why did you say you hated our relationship?”
“I didn’t say that.”
“I heard you say you hated our relationship. . . “;
“No, you told me you were going to stay in our relationship but ignore me until our children go to college. Then I said that I hated that. I hate the thought of us clawing at this for years.... I can’t see you disagreeing with that”
Sometimes our emotions can get in the way of our perception. The listener in this example may not have been distracted by thinking of other things, but there may have been an argument where their perceptions were skewed. This is common when couples are fighting. John Gottman calls this “Negative Sentiment Override.” You’re looking at things through mud-colored glasses. When that happens, even neutral things can look bad. In this case, only some of the words landed - threatening ones like “hate”. But the context was lost because the details were lost around that word.
For the speaker.
For the speaker, a session of deeply listening means that the person opposite them is not only quiet, but they’re indicating they’re taking information in. The speaker is watching for nodding. They want to see that their listener is making affirming gestures. They want to hear some “uh huhs.”
All of these gestures and uh huhs and clarifying questions mean that the speaker has the feeling of being felt.
For the relationship.
Having someone really hear you can be like gold. That’s the feeling of being felt. Have you ever talked to someone who really gets you? They may not agree with everything you say, but they sure do hear where you’re at. That feels connected and comforting. It feels like you have someone beside you who is on your team.
Key to all these aspects of deep listening is that you’re putting aside your response to what they’re saying or grocery list or urgent follow on in service of paying better attention to them. There’s something in deep listening for everyone - including the relationship.
To check out my thoughts on marriage counseling/ couples counseling, please visit my marriage counseling page. If you’re in the western Twin Cities area, I can help you and your partner deeply listen. I have immediate availability and evening hours. You can contact me a multitude of ways: call me at 612.230.7171 , make an appointment for a free consult via the big orange button below, or send me an email via my web form.