I AM being dramatic when I say to be a jerk. In fact, don’t be a jerk. However, some people are in a relationship where they’re so afraid of hurting their partner that they end up “stuffing their feelings.” Eventually, that dynamic of “stuffing feelings” can do two very damaging things: 1. Accumulate resentment ventually accumulate and “leak out” in the way you treat your partner. 2. Prevent your partner from having a chance to be in relationship with the “real you!”
I want to talk about #2 because it doesn’t seem as obvious. If your goal is to be more connected with your partner, you’ve got to show up with warts and all so that they can connect to the real you.
The Problem With “Stuffing It”
Let’s do a thought exercise. Imagine being a place where you find true peacefulness. Is it the beach where you hear the ocean lap on the shore and the sun on your skin? Is that a special nook in your home where you can snuggle up in a blanket? Is it the woods right after it rains? There’s a real connection for you there, right? Imagining the smells, the feeling of the air on your skin, or the warmth and coziness really add to the experience don’t they?
Now imagine piling on clothing: winter coat, a trench coat, 3 hats, a balaclava, a motorcycle helmet, welder’s goggles, and boots. How connected does it feel now? Can you still feel the air of the beach? Can you still immerse yourself in the image of the woods?
Stuffing your feelings is a bit like putting on all that clothing - it keeps you from connecting from the world around you. More importantly, it keeps you from connecting with your partner. Since we’ve worked on the image of you with all that clothing on, what would it be like for your partner to try to dance with you? Maybe it can be done. But if you slow dance, they might never get truly close, and you might step on some toes.
“But Mike, we always just get mad and it turns out horribly, so-better to stuff it than have all that rancor!”
A Way Out
I totally understand this. And yet, that bandaid itself becomes a problem. Imagine in response to a twisted ankle that you just decide to sit and not leave the house. You’ll have ess ankle pain, but it can be severely limiting to your life and create other problems!
Both of you getting mad quickly hints that triggers are being pulled for you or your partner. Let’s think about triggers - they’re devices that release, with only a few ounces of pressure, a massive force. So the way to reduce conflict is to get to it before either of you gets triggered.
Check in with how the person is doing with the conversation and adjust when they’re feeling afraid of where the conversation is going. If the pattern is that your spouse wants to resolve things right then and there, and it overwhelms you, ask for a way that you can agree to come back to the conversation and attend to their needs at a set time. If your spouse tries to create space to reduce conflict and you pursue, ask them for a new time to talk that’s at least a couple of hours later.
“I really want to hear you, but right now, I’m so overwhelmed, my heart is pumping and I’m taking in 1 out of 3 words. Can I calm down and resume this conversation in 4 hours?”
If that’s not working, make sure you’re having this conversation when things are calm. When there’s nothing to argue about. Then talk to them about what happens to you when you get overwhelmed and tell them about how long it takes you to calm back down.
If this doesn’t work, engage with a couples therapist. I’m partial to Emotionally Focused Therapists, but that’s because I’ve found it’s worked for my clients. See my post “How do I find the right therapist for me?” for more thoughts on that. If you want to read some of my perspectives on couples counseling, come visit my couples counseling page. If you’re feeling like you’re drifting apart because one or both of you can’t share your feelings and you’re in the Minneapolis area, call me at 612.230.7171 or click on the button below to schedule a no-charge consultation with me.
Take good care.