There have been plenty of pop-culture references proposing that money is the #1 marital problem. While it may be true that money is the #1 thing couples bring up in fights, as a therapist, I can tell you that money probably isn’t at the root of the fight. If a couple shows up and talks about money as their main issue, my initial guess is that they have a pattern of fighting that isn’t unique to money - that pattern of fighting likely weaves its way through multiple content areas, be they parenting conflicts, sex, household chores, etc.
So what is the most important issue confronting couples in modern times? It’s not actually any one particular topic - it’s the process of relating. The thing that sends most spouses or partners to marriage counseling isn’t the topic - it’s the WAY things are discussed.
Couples don’t come into counseling because they’re locked in a furious debate about how many neutrons there are in iron atoms. (excuse the example - my 8 year old is really, really interested in iron atoms at the moment.) They need 3rd party intervention because one person is getting triggered and then triggering the other person. Once that cycle has started, it continues spiraling upwards, with each person going up!
So Does It Really Matter?
So does money really not matter? Don’t couples have to agree to pay the same amount of rent? Yes, but if they’re not spiraling upwards in their discussions, they can actually navigate it without hurting their relationship. I talk to adults who have paid rent for most of their adult lives, so there is no mystery in that activity. But when I see a couple fighting over how they’re going to get the money for rent the next month, it tells me they’re stuck on something else. It’s that “something else” that’s driving the conflict.
How do I know that there’s something else driving the conflict? Every couple that comes in and commits to marriage counseling eventually tells me “We’ve talked about this before, but I’ve never heard this before.” Every. One. Well, I’ll say 99.99% because somewhere in there there’s probably an exception, but I can’t remember it. And it’s not that I’m some kind of genius inventing new ways for couples to pay their rent. Or new ways to squeeze out sponges. Or better ways to shop for cars together. It’s that I’m helping couples change the way they’re discussing these issues. That transformation allows the information that one person is sending to be received in the way it was intended.
Get Off the Conflict Bus: 6 Things To Reduce Conflict
The Conflict Bus™ is a tough bus to ride. Someone else other than you two is driving it, The ride is torturous on your back, and it drops both of you off separately, in the middle of nowhere to be all alone. If you’re on it and you want to get off, here are some things that may be helpful to reduce the level of fighting you’re having:
Square Breathing but with Style++
Breathe. Seriously, deep, intentional breaths activate the parasympathetic nervous system which calms our bodies. Instead of fast breathing, high heart rate, and tightness, you’ll get the opposite of those. Try the “square breathing” technique. Imagine a graph of your lung volume. You’re going to fill it with air (the volume goes up) then you’re going to hold your breath for a count of 4 seconds (volume stays flat) then you’ll breathe out (volume goes down) finally, hold it for a count of 4 seconds (volume stays near zero and flat). Then repeat. Set a timer on your phone if you’re really anxious. And do that count to 4. It helps engage the cognitive side of your brain which also helps to reduce anxiety.
Identify your part in this. You can’t change someone else, but you can change you, right? If you know that your go-to technique in a fight is to start escalating and yelling, try looking at your spouse and telling them,”I’m really hurt you said that, so I’m going to give myself a time-out right now and I don’t want to talk about this for 3 hours.” It might be so different for them to experience that they may calm down too. But at the very least, it will be you declaring that you will do something different to change this.
Tell them you want to listen, but that something is getting in the way. What gets in the way for you to listen to your partner? Is it the way their volume goes up? Are they being sarcastic? Try this:”I want to hear you, I really do. Right now, what I hear is the volume of our fighting and it makes me put up my walls. Can we turn down the volume right now? I’ll do my part too. I really will.
Identify your escalation before things get really bad. If you find yourself “going ballistic” and can think back to things that start getting you on that path beforehand, that can help you slow things down and ask your spouse for help before things get out of hand. Try:”I’m starting to get triggered.” or “I’m getting overwhelmed”.
Identify your pattern of fighting with your spouse or partner before you’re in a triggering conversation. Here’s an example: “Hey, when you tell me that you’ve changed your work schedule and didn’t consult with me, that makes me feel really uncared for. When I feel like you don’t love me, it really makes me struggle, and that’s when I give you the silent treatment.”
Ask for help. Therapy is there to help both of you feel listened to and to help de-escalate the fighting when you both can’t do it alone. I recommend EFT counselors because I’ve found clients to be particularly responsive to the interventions Emotionally Focused Therapy gives. If you’re in the Edina/Minneapolis area, you can contact me at 612.230.7171 or click the button below to schedule a phone call with me, or enter your information in the form to send me a message.