I’ve had many couples over the years say,“My partner’s more logical and I’m more emotional and we get into arguments because of that.” Here is what comes to my mind first when I hear that:
Even though both people will have a different mix of emotions and logic, the problem rarely lies with the differences of emotions vs. logic. Strangely enough, when two people fight and become “more logical” or “more emotional,” during the fight, it can be because they are responding to runaway underlying emotions. People commonly refer to this state as being “triggered.” Being triggered gets people into a fight/flight/freeze mode, where they start digging in their heels and insist on their perspective no matter what other perspective is presented.
When this happens, you can feel really stuck. Why? Triggering can be seen as a coping mechanism to respond quickly to a previously experienced threat. It works really well to get you out of physical danger, but in relationships, it can make your past experience dictate your response to your present circumstances. Let me say that again - being triggered can make your past dictate your present. Heels dig in, tunnel vision sets in, and your go-to coping mechanism gets activated. Some people go to amping up emotions. Some people go to controlling their emotions and become “more logical.”
So when both of you get triggered, each of you may have your handy “go-to” mechanism and respond with “more emotion” (louder, faster, or more physical), or more logic (explaining how the situation isn’t how it seems, explaining why the other person shouldn’t feel that way, or asking,”Shouldn’t we be able to get over it?”)
One way out of this situation is by recognizing a situation before either of you gets triggered. What usually triggers things for your partner? Here is a small, small list of triggers that may seem familiar:
Feeling “less-than” another person in an argument.
Being reminded of feelings of a difficult childhood situation
Feeling humiliated.
Seeing a situation similar to one in a prior relationship that didn’t feel good.
Feeling “disrespected” in some way.
Feeling dismissed.
Once someone is triggered, it usually creates a BIG reaction. Think about a trigger - a mechanism that, with a small force, generates a tremendous outcome. Taking things really, really slowly and naming what’s going on for you can help.
Saying something like,“I see that this is super important to you, but I need to take a nap right now - I just got off of a shift at work and I can’t process this. Can we talk in an hour?”
Here’s the rub with the request - you MUST follow up because your partner may feel like you’re putting them off. This can also be a trigger.
If that’s not working, I am a really big fan of using Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy to help address these underlying triggers. Seek some help from a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) who uses this method. People get help getting their oil changed, or their roofs re-shingled, but get very stuck when it comes to getting help for their relationship. It takes courage to not accept the status quo. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
If you want to find out my own thoughts on couples counseling, please visit my couples counseling page. If you are in the Minneapolis area and want to talk, please call at 612.230.7171, or click on the button below to schedule a free consultation with me.
Take good care.