My sessions aren’t just me pointing at each person in a couple and asking how their last week went and going back and forth, illiciting feelings from each other. Here’s one simple reason: When couples have been fighting for a time, their pattern becomes established and if all I do is illicit feelings from a fighting incident earlier in the week, very likely anger will come out. When someone gets angry, it protects them, but also injures their partner. That injured partner will get angry and back and forth they go, spiraling upwards like a rocket fueled by anger.
What I want instead is have you and your partner experience the feelings underneath that anger. So it’s OK to start with anger, but I’ll ask what’s causing that anger. What’s there just before anger flares up. Anger protects your more vulnerable hurts, but injures your partner and keeps them at a distance as a consequence.
That’s why I intervene to slow down the conversation and talk about vulnerable emotions. Slowing down the conversation means we get to talk about really important and VULNERABLE stuff like you see in the example below. When vulnerable emotions come out, defenses go down, and partners start listening.
Here’s an example from a couple whose identity and details have been changed to protect their identity.
KC and Chris have been together for 10 years and have 2 small children. They’re both high-achieving upper-middle class folks who have been struggling with their relationship since a year after their marriage. Now they’re considering divorce and the latest argument that’s threatening to drive them to lawyers is: squeezing out sponges.
This conversation started because I asked about a conflict they volunteered happened in the last week.
KC: She f&*7ing did it again! She didn’t squeeze out the kitchen sponge.
Chris: Are you kidding me right now? You’re bringing that up again? It’s a kitchen S-P-O-N-G-E. It’s not a baby, it’s not our jobs. It’s not life threatening.
KC: [looks at me] See? She can’t hear a word.
Me: Hold on, KC, it sounds like there’s so much going on and I want to hear what you have to say. Can you slow down a bit so I can really understand what’s bothering you?
KC: [holding her head in her hands] ok.
Me: There’s something about squeezing sponges that’s really connecting with you. It’s really got you angry. Can you tell me what’s going on inside you right now that makes this so important to you? I really want to understand.
KC: It’s so disrespectful. I do all of the housework and cook for the kids on TOP of having a part time job. And the least she can do is keep the sponges squeezed out so they don’t smell like MOLD.
Chris: I use the sponges to help out! That’s the reason why they’re wet, because I clean all the freaking pots and pans!
Me: Hold on, hold on Chris, that’ sounds really hard for you right now. It feels like you’re feeling under attack.
Chris: Because I AM! And I can’t win. If I don’t clean the pots, I’m not doing enough. If I make one simple mistake, one error, I don’t get credit for cleaning pots and pans for months straight - I get skewered for not squeezing out sponges!
Me: And it sounds like you don’t feel like you get enough credit?
Chris: Yes! Finally, someone can understand.
Me: And when you don’t get enough credit you get so triggered, am I right?
Chris: Yes, because I’m trying so hard, and I can’t get a break!
Me: You can’t get a break, and what happens when you don’t get a break?
Chris: It feels so powerless. Like i can’t even do anything right. I’m working so hard at work, getting yelled at there. And now I’m getting yelled at for trying my hardest to help! Why can’t you see my help?
Me: And when you feel like she doesn’t see you , what happens to you? I can see it connect so clearly to you inside.
Chris: I just can’t win! It’s like I’m back in my family and my dad’s yelling at me again! It’s not winning I want. I just want you to hear me.
Me: You’re so longing to be heard, Chris, am I getting that right? It’s not really about being recognized for the cleaning? Am I getting that right? It sounds so hurtful because you’re taken back to where you couldn’t do anything right by your dad. Am I getting that right?
Chris: Yes! [crying] It’s not even that I’m being recognized. I’m just not worth anything. It’s like when my dad would tell me I’m worthless. I can’t stand it anymore. I try so hard. Please. I can’t. . .
Me: It’s so hard, Chris, you’re feeling .. . what am I getting right now? Worthless?
Chris: yes. [crying uncontrollably]
Me: [after Chris is able to talk again] Thank you so much, Chris, for walking through that. It takes so much courage to walk through the pain so that you can try to connect again. What was that like to talk about feeling worthless in the eyes of your partner?
Chris: I guess I don’t talk about that so much. It’s good. Hard. but good.
Me: Thank you for doing that. I’m going to talk to KC and check in with her, ok? KC, what’s it like to hear that this takes Chris back to feeling worthless with her dad?
KC: I guess [starts tearing up] I didn’t realize this was all going on. I didn’t know. [looks at Chris] I feel awful. I didn’t know.
Me: Can you look at Chris now and tell her what’s going on for you now that you heard how she gets brought back to feeling worthless in front of her dad?
KC: I’m so sorry. I had no idea that happens. I just get so crazy with the kids and getiting everything done. I didn’t know that was all going on for you. I feel so awful.
Me: And it sounds like that was really striking a chord with you, wasn’t it?
KC: Yeah, we fight all the time, but the sponge isn’t that important. I’m not even worried about the sponge that much. But I didn’t really want to make her feel worthless, because I know what that’s like.
This is a small sample of the difference slowing down and hearing the vulnerable emotions can make. I help couples do this hard, courageous work. If you want to talk about how this might help your relationship, contact me at 612.230.7171, use my contact form, or press the big orange button to schedule a free 15 minute phone conversation.
Take good care.