Fighting About Silly Stuff? – Making Sense of Underlying Emotions

There’s a good chance you don’t need me to tell you that couples often get into challenging conversations. These conversations are driven by underlying emotions that keep you guys either always fighting, continually distancing from one another, or a combination of the two. Sounds familiar?

And once you’ve started fighting, it can be hard to resolve it in a way that feels peaceful and connected with the other person. Again, this is probably not breaking news. Concerning these situations, I can help you make sense of the underlying emotions that keep you fighting about silly stuff.

A Trigger Model

A trigger is a device that, with a small amount of force, produces a significant outcome. When you and your partner get into an argument, one of you can get triggered. This response typically spills over onto the other person to trigger them. It doesn’t end there. This cycle can go on and on — with each person contributing more energy into the system with each pass.

Just because someone gets triggered, it doesn’t mean they start yelling. They may get quiet or shut down or become avoidant. These non-aggressive behaviors may appear as defensive or abandoned by the other person. Hence, the other person may choose to get more energetic in their pursuit of conflict resolution. Think of it like them taking out a bigger sword whenever they see a shield in front of them.

To Infinity and Beyond

Couples counselors have a symbol they use for your relationship — an infinity loop. Oh, the irony! Many of my couples feel like their pattern of fighting or disconnection goes on and on. If you look at that loop and the line across the infinity symbol, the stuff listed above the line is all the behaviors couples engage in during a difficult conversation:

• Behavior

• Perceptions/Attributions

• Secondary Emotions

The stuff listed below the line are the thoughts and feelings you get when your partner does something:

• Primary Emotion

• Unmet Attachment Needs

The left and right half of the infinity loop has one of your names on it. Thus, each of you contributes something to this never-ending argument. It may sound daunting, but there’s a bright side: Each of you has your own way out of this infinity loop. In the end, the circle is wholly dependent on what you do. By changing what you do and how you react, you break the cycle.

How Therapy Can Help

As a counselor, I’d encourage you to examine the nuances of the infinity loop closely. This in-depth look can begin by choosing a relatively recent disagreement or fight.

Describe the Episode

Each partner first details what someone would’ve seen had the spat been filmed. From there, they each explain what action they took and how they feel those actions influenced their partner to act and speak. Notes are compared and blended until a version is created that both people can mostly agree with.

Get Vulnerable

Using the agreed-upon narrative as a starting point, the couple asks each other about their underlying feelings. Be direct and specific. For example, you might want to ask: “Did I confuse you?” or “Did you feel sad?” Get each other to dig deeper and risk being very blunt and open.

Consider Alternative Narratives

Next, focus on what you think you and your partner could’ve done differently to change the outcome. Ask for suggestions and turn the exercise into a collaboration. This task is not an easy one, so be patient. Operate from a place of mutual support. When you agree on new approaches, take time to celebrate this breakthrough.

If this article has caught your interest and you want to know more about my thoughts on couples, feel free to check out my page on marriage counseling.  

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom).  I’m a couples therapist that really specializes in relationships.  I’ve helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck.

Contact me by calling 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the button below for a free, 15 minute phone consult to see if I’m a match.  Take good care.

Do Men and Women Respond Differently to Infidelity? – Why It Matters

Plenty of studies offer results to prove how men and women respond differently to being cheated on. Generally speaking, men report being more jealous of sexual infidelity. On the other hand, women are more upset about emotional affairs.

This response holds true across the globe and throughout different cultures. While there is value in factoring in the prevailing trends, it’s wise to address these betrayals on a case-by-case basis — especially with same-sex couples. That said, each partner will most likely respond differently to adultery, and this reality can inform any effort toward healing.

What Is Infidelity?

“Cheating” isn’t as easy to define as it may seem. It’s up to each couple (Note: not each partner) to decide. As a result, in the digital age, “having an affair” could mean sexting or creating a secret emotional connection with someone online. More broadly, a couple could see betrayal in:

• Particular acts only (from kissing to intercourse)

• Giving your loyalty to someone other than your partner

• Pornography

• Hiring an “escort”

• Emotional affairs

• Keeping secrets from your spouse

In other words, this conversation must begin long, long before there is ever a chance of infidelity. Unless you have both consented to specific parameters, there is too much room for mixed messages and clever deceptions.

How Couples Responds to Infidelity and Why it Matters

Once the ground rules have been laid down — and broken by one of you — then comes the reaction. How each partner responds is essential because within that reaction may lie the key to recovery. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll break it down into the two most common categories:

Emotional

Reminder: You don’t have to take your clothes off to cheat. If your needs are emotional, you may seek to have them met elsewhere. It may be in-person; it may be virtual or “cyber.” Either way, the betrayed partner’s response will be based on:

• The natural shock and anger of being deceived by your spouse

• Hearing the news that they are seen as neglectful or cold

No partner is ever justified in cheating. The recovery here must involve remorse and accountability from the person who sought love elsewhere. It must also include an in-depth exploration of the underlying causes.

Physical

This aspect is what most people imagine when they hear a word like adultery. A person in a committed relationship has engaged in sex acts with someone other than their partner. When the cheater is caught or confesses, the response from their significant other will probably spring from:

• The natural shock and anger of being deceived by your spouse

• Feelings of shame and self-doubt about their looks or sexiness

Again, the onus is on the cheating partner to step up with the bulk of the post-affair work. However, there will also be a special kind of healing required to repair the intimacy and trust.

Weaving through both of the above categories is another motivation: revenge. If one of you feels invalidated or unappreciated, this can be used as an excuse to “punish” your partner. When this infidelity is disclosed, the response will probably blend all of the above factors.

You’ll Benefit from Counseling

Hopefully, it’s clear by now that it can be tricky to make generalizations after any post-affair fallout. Also, tensions and emotions are colliding. This response reduces the chances of clear-eyed communication.

Enter the couples counselor. When betrayal shatters a couple’s trust, it is crucial to have help from a professional guide. I’ve worked with couples, and I’ve seen reactions that run the full gamut.

I talk about this and other things in my affair recovery page, so check that out if you’re looking for more ways to reboot your relationship.

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota, I am doing video sessions for couples and would be happy to help. Contact me at 612.230.7171, email me via my contact page, or click on the link below to self-schedule a call with me to see if we’re a match.

Take good care.

The Somatic Flag For Couples

I talk to individual clients about somatic flags to become aware of what’s happening to them.  If you’re in a couple, somatic flags may help point out problems in your relationship before you get in trouble.  How does this work?

What It Is.

A somatic flag is something in your body that can indicate to you that something important is happening.  They can be positive or negative.  Often times, when stressful things are happening around you, you may not be aware of their effects on you. 

In response to stress, your body may tense up in various ways — you may feel pain in parts of your body like your stomach, or you might get aches.  This can be an involuntary response. Not a reflex, but a trained response.

Your body reacts quickly to stressors, and this may be one of the great reasons why somatic flags are useful.  Your body may react to stressors before the stressors come into your mental awareness.  Learning to read these somatic flags may get you aware of what’s happening sooner and keep from injuring your relationship.  

A Real World Example: My relationship.

Let’s be honest here.  Even though I do therapy, I myself I'm not immune to having conflicts with my wife. When I feel a self righteous anger that tells me, "I'm going to tell her what's what, and she is going to be sorry she ever did that,” I know that I’ll need cool down and give myself some time to think this through.  On good days, this means that instead of blasting my wife with anger and having to apologize for it later, I can just say something more vulnerable like,”It really hurt when you made the school decision without checking with me.  It feels like I’m optional for you.”

So when I feel flush in the face and my shoulders are so tense they feel like they’re attached to my ears, I can now understand what’s happening to me.  Don't get me wrong, even though I can now tell that my body's reaction means I should slow down, my mind is racing so fast that part of me still feels like I should blast her with my righteous indignation.  So it won’t feel logical in the moment.  But if you can train yourself to slow down, fewer people will get hurt, and you’ll have to dole out fewer apologies.  

What’s wrong with apologies?

Nothing is wrong with apologies!  In fact, I tell my couples that it's not “avoiding wounds to the relationship” that should be the goal. It is actually “how do I best repair when injuries inevitably happen?”  Marriage research from John Gottman, one of the elders statesman of marriage research, shows that successful couples have to give five or more repair gestures for everyone damaging gesture.  

So there isn’t anything wrong with it, but there is a lot of energy that has to be given for a proper apology.  Most people would prefer using that energy to getting their partner to understand them instead of behaving angrily at them.  

If this article has caught your interest and you want to know more about my thoughts on couples, feel free to check out my page on marriage counseling.  

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom).  I’m a couples therapist that really specializes in relationships.  I’ve helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck.

Contact me by calling 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the button below for a free, 15 minute phone consult to see if I’m a match.  Take good care.

How To Find A Couples Counselor: Intervention

Transcript:

Hey guys this is Mike Kosim counselor in edina near southfield mall I got asked this recently by somebody so i wanted to make a quick video. They said,” how do i find a good couples counselor?”

I think that's a great question. There are a few things i tell people to look for. The number one thing though is “interventional.” Is the couple's counselor interventional in the sessions? What does that mean? It means that if your session is run like an individual session but with an extra person, then what can happen is somebody vents then the other person gets hurt and vents back and the other person vents and gets back vents and hits back then eventually you guys spiral upwards and it pops. That’s just called a fight — that's not called counseling. So what you want instead is a couples counselor that intervenes. So as somebody tries to do that the, couple's counselor stops the session and says,”whoa whoa whoa what's going on?”

And starts getting to the bottom of what's causing the anger, so that's a really transformative piece —when somebody can get below the anger and start talking about their hurt or their fear or their pain instead of just talking about anger or how the other person is doing something wrong. (that’s an attack)

So that's the number one thing look for (in a couples counselor). Somebody who's interventional.

Ask for a — you know oftentimes therapists will have (free) 15-minute consultation sessions. Take advantage of that. Get a feel for them over video get a feel for them over phone and you'll get a sense for how it is they're going to proceed when things do get heated.

So you know somebody can come in with anger— In my sessions, you know people oftentimes come in with anger. They'll come in with anger and they'll say something like,”she didn't again she couldn't squeeze out the sponge! She just left it there and it was moldy and it was. . . “

I say,”Whoa whoa whoa whoa! What's going on? You're so angry right now about a sponge? what's going on? Well, it feels like like she either like can't hear me or doesn't care.”

“Oh! ‘doesn't care’. It feels like your wife doesn't care.”

“Yeah, it feels like she doesn't care or like like i don't matter!”

“Oh! you feel like you don't matter to your wife and that's why you're angry? Yeah okay now we're somewhere.”

So when this person starts off with anger, the counselor gets an opportunity to help guide them into something that feels more connected with what the injury is. So for that person the injury had nothing to do with the sponge.That's what they were going to yell at their wife for, but the hurt was actually (about) feeling like they didn't matter. When you can get to that point in your couple session then things can start to change and that's what you want your therapist to enable. You want them to be interventional — stop the angry stop the angry lobbing at each other and then start to wonder about what's underneath.

Okay so that's the number one thing I tell people — look for an interventional counselor. Take good care!

** Watch the video for the bloopers! (there’s always PLENTY of them when I make these)

Affairs: Is There Any Way My Partner Can Forgive Me?

It’s tough knowing you’re the one causing pain.  It’s so directly tied to your behavior, and you know in your heart that your betrayal cut so deeply for your partner.  So you might as well toss in the towel, right?  Even with all this regret swimming in your head, there’s no way they’re going to forgive you, right?

Actually, the marriage research shows that slightly over 50% of the couples who experience infidelity decide to stay together. If you really want to try to stay together, even though you’re the one who committed the betrayal, you’re not alone.  

How Can I Even Ask Them To Do This?

The first thing you need to ask yourself is: "do I really want to work on it?”  If the answer is no, then not a problem - you have the permission to make that decision.  No one has to work on their relationship.  No one must repair after infidelity.  But if the answer is “I want to work on it, but I don’t know if she’ll want to work on it,” that’s a different matter altogether.  If you want to work on it, you can tell them that’s what you want.  You can ask for grace.  You can ask for forgiveness.  They may tell you ‘no,’ and that may hurt.  But if you don’t tell them what is in your heart, how will they know?

“But how can I ask them to work on the relationship I blew up in the first place?”  

If you’re asking yourself that question without sitting down and answering it, you’re probably punishing yourself instead of really answering your question.  

Some Reasons Why

So let’s take a different approach. Let’s come up with some reasons why I’ve seen injured partners agree to work on it. You might be able to use this and see that there might be something similar operating in your relationship.

• They still love you - Remember, that for a large percentage of couples, the injured person in the relationship is surprised by the betrayal.  So for them, if there is a memory of some love in the relationship, that memory is still there.  

• They still have a reservoir of grace - It can be surprising that some people may not be as bothered by an affair as others.  Some people report that the hardest part of infidelity is the betrayal or the lying, not the act itself.  

• Because you can ask for forgiveness and reconciliation it without expecting it , which is vulnerable.  It’s hard to come to someone you hurt, hat in hand.  And that sense that you’re willing to put your own ego aside may help your partner feel how genuine your desire to repair is.

• They’ve felt unhappy in the relationship too and want something different.  They may not be surprised that there’s been an affair.  Or they may be surprised by the affair but understanding that your relationship has been in tatters for a long time.  So there may be some recognition that this may be the one chance both of you have to build something new.

• They want to do everything they can before throwing in the towel. They may simply believe that marriage is important and want to honor their commitments or vows.

There are many, many other reasons that also work. Some, like “we have a family and I want to do everything I can to keep it intact for the kids” have less to do with you, but may be just as important. Think about your situation and how it may click with any of these.

If this article has caught your interest and you want to find out next steps, check out my article on “How To Ask My Partner To Work On Our Relationship.”  

Feel free to check out my page on Affair Recovery and my thoughts on repairing once there’s infidelity.

Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom).  Contact me by calling me at 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the button below to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.

I’m a couples therapy specialist that has helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck and would love to help you find a way out -together.

Relationships Weren’t Built for Quarantine – So, Now What?

As we all know by now, this has been a year of daily statistics. We closely monitor things like positive tests, unemployment rate, presidential poll numbers, and sadly, deaths from COVID-19. There will come a time when we’ll be able to look back to verify and assess such collateral damage. Some figures, however, are more amorphous.

For example, how many relationships came to a premature end thanks to strict mitigation efforts? We may never have an accurate count, but this does not change the reality. Relationships weren’t built for quarantine. With that in mind, what can we do about it?

How Quarantine Impacts Relationships

Routine is not solely the domain of the introvert. Even the most spontaneous, extroverted people follow rhythms and patterns. When that structure is disrupted, we suffer — mentally and physically. The quarantine (and all its moving parts) has pushed us all far out of our comfort zones. For couples, this can be quite a wake-up call.

We’re navigating our way through a tsunami of fears and concerns, such as:

• Staying healthy

• Economic crisis

• Civil unrest

• Natural disasters (wildfires, hurricanes, etc.)

• Political and social divisions heightened by a presidential election

All the predictable anxiety caused by these factors is being inflamed by having a new lifestyle imposed upon us.

Relationship Suggestions for 2020

It may sound far too “self-helpy” to declare your intention to push through it. In reality, it’s best to accept how daunting things are and take some necessary steps to mitigate the spread. Here are some ideas.

Take Tech Breaks (alone and together)

That device that appears to be surgically connected to your hand can fan the flames of discord. The frightening updates, the scathing flame wars, the fear of missing out — all of it brings nothing of value to your relationship.

Schedule regular tech breaks. When possible, take these breaks at the same time and do something together. From cuddling to cooking to going for a run, it’s all much better than your news feed.

Stay Connected to People You Can’t See In-Person

An essential part of a healthy relationship is independence. So, be sure to keep your autonomous social connections healthy. Use Zoom, text, or social media — or get all twentieth-century and make a phone call.

Team Up to Create New Routines and Structure

The changes to your schedule are beyond your control. However, you and your partner can control what new structure you create. Assume that control and work as a team.

Set and Respect Boundaries

Boundaries are essential at any time. In 2020, they can be a game-changer. Talk face-to-face about your needs and wants. Factor all of this information into the building of your new routines.

Cut Each Other Some Slack

This approach is superbly challenging. None of us naturally have the skills to handle it with grace and gratitude. So, be nice to each other and yourselves. Friction and conflict are not signs that either or you is inept or uncaring. It’s inevitable… all of it. Recognize this. Commit to doing your best. Toss away your grandiose expectations and take things one day (or hour) at a time.

Couples Counseling: Needed Now More Than Ever

Therapy for couples has a long, successful history. Its track record speaks for itself.
Regardless of global conditions, it is and has been a wise suggestion. In the age of coronavirus, couple counseling has taken on even more significance.

All the most common relationship issues are still around. These days, however, they are magnified and exacerbated by 2020’s unique sequence of events. Just because relationships weren’t built for quarantine doesn’t they can’t survive it.

With some help from a seasoned health professional, your relationship can do more than survive. It can thrive. If you want more of my thoughts on couples counseling, please see my marriage counseling blog. If you’re in Minnesota, I’m seeing people over secure video for couples and individual counseling. Call me at 612.230.7171, email me on my contact page, or click on the button below to self-schedule a free 15-minute phone call.

Take good care.