It’s tough knowing you’re the one causing pain. It’s so directly tied to your behavior, and you know in your heart that your betrayal cut so deeply for your partner. So you might as well toss in the towel, right? Even with all this regret swimming in your head, there’s no way they’re going to forgive you, right?
Actually, the marriage research shows that slightly over 50% of the couples who experience infidelity decide to stay together. If you really want to try to stay together, even though you’re the one who committed the betrayal, you’re not alone.
How Can I Even Ask Them To Do This?
The first thing you need to ask yourself is: "do I really want to work on it?” If the answer is no, then not a problem - you have the permission to make that decision. No one has to work on their relationship. No one must repair after infidelity. But if the answer is “I want to work on it, but I don’t know if she’ll want to work on it,” that’s a different matter altogether. If you want to work on it, you can tell them that’s what you want. You can ask for grace. You can ask for forgiveness. They may tell you ‘no,’ and that may hurt. But if you don’t tell them what is in your heart, how will they know?
“But how can I ask them to work on the relationship I blew up in the first place?”
If you’re asking yourself that question without sitting down and answering it, you’re probably punishing yourself instead of really answering your question.
Some Reasons Why
So let’s take a different approach. Let’s come up with some reasons why I’ve seen injured partners agree to work on it. You might be able to use this and see that there might be something similar operating in your relationship.
They still love you - Remember, that for a large percentage of couples, the injured person in the relationship is surprised by the betrayal. So for them, if there is a memory of some love in the relationship, that memory is still there.
They still have a reservoir of grace - It can be surprising that some people may not be as bothered by an affair as others. Some people report that the hardest part of infidelity is the betrayal or the lying, not the act itself.
Because you can ask for forgiveness and reconciliation it without expecting it , which is vulnerable. It’s hard to come to someone you hurt, hat in hand. And that sense that you’re willing to put your own ego aside may help your partner feel how genuine your desire to repair is.
They’ve felt unhappy in the relationship too and want something different. They may not be surprised that there’s been an affair. Or they may be surprised by the affair but understanding that your relationship has been in tatters for a long time. So there may be some recognition that this may be the one chance both of you have to build something new.
They want to do everything they can before throwing in the towel. They may simply believe that marriage is important and want to honor their commitments or vows.
There are many, many other reasons that also work. Some, like “we have a family and I want to do everything I can to keep it intact for the kids” have less to do with you, but may be just as important. Think about your situation and how it may click with any of these.
If this article has caught your interest and you want to find out next steps, check out my article on “How To Ask My Partner To Work On Our Relationship.”
Feel free to check out my page on Affair Recovery and my thoughts on repairing once there’s infidelity.
Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom). Contact me by calling me at 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the button below to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.
I’m a couples therapy specialist that has helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck and would love to help you find a way out -together.