It probably doesn’t surprise anyone who has experienced infidelity that there is a mind-body connection. While the brain is sometimes seen as being in a “container” of the body, the body also stores information. When you are experiencing an immense stressor like infidelity, your body is reacting to it immediately.
Infidelity is a form of abandonment — the person who is most trusted and most important has signaled that they’re no longer there. I’ll go more into the abandonment aspect below.
For now, just know that your entire body is reacting to the disconnection from your spouse or partner during infidelity. I tell people that it’s as if a bomb has gone off.
The Mind-Body Connection
Have you ever gotten a knot in your shoulder or neck due to stress? That’s your body responding to your feeling of stress by engaging your skeletal muscles. Ever have a stomach ache when you’re stressed? That’s your body responding to your brain’s stress reaction and storing that information there. In fact, next to your brain, your digestive system is the second-largest concentration of serotonin (a neurotransmitter) receptors.
The mind and body are not only connected; they are two parts of one whole. Therefore, it only follows that a significant source of stress (e.g., infidelity) would engage and impact the “whole” you.
Infidelity as Abandonment
We learn early on to value a connection with our loved ones. In his “still face” experiment,” Dr. Ed Tronick demonstrated how a baby instantly reacts when its mother withholds attention and positive facial expressions. It’s painful to watch the child’s response. The world they know — what they’ve come to expect as normal — no longer exists.
Fast-forward to adulthood and all the ensuing, complex emotions and experiences. We still live in fear of abandonment by those closest to us. When a partner cheats, it is felt like an abandonment. As I said above, if you are the betrayed one, it’s as if a bomb has exploded in your life.
Like the child in the “still face” experiment, you might feel stunned and feeling alone. The bond you share with your partner was a given — so much so that you may have even taken it for granted. Then, in a flash, uncertainty rules the day.
How did this happen? Will it happen again? Why didn’t I see this explosion coming? Your mind is racing, and your body is reacting, too.
Physical Symptoms of Stress
Estimates vary, but as many as 75 to 90 percent of visits to a doctor’s office are for stress-related physical symptoms.
Aches and pains with no apparent cause
Diarrhea, constipation, and other digestive issues
Fluctuations in your weight
Nausea, dizziness, light-headedness
Sleep disturbances
Rapid heart rate
Decreased sex drive
Lowered immunity, including more frequent colds or flu
Skin conditions
High blood pressure
Asthma
If left unaddressed, chronic stress can translate into chronic and severe problems like reproductive issues, heart disease, and autoimmune issues like arthritis.
Therapy as Bomb Squad?
So, the bomb has exploded, and your body is among the collateral damage. Now what?
When couples come to me after discovering an affair, I want each of them to understand what’s happening better. The affair-involved partner must comprehend what their partner is feeling and why they are responding as they are. The uninvolved partner needs the reassurance that they are not acting “crazy.” The symptoms they are enduring — physical and emotional — are real.
This process helps point both partners toward what their relationship needs as they try to move forward. If you’re ready to address infidelity and move forward in your relationship, check out my page on Affair Recovery and my thoughts on repairing once there’s infidelity.
Finally, if you’re in Minnesota and are looking for a therapist, I can help you via secure online video platforms designed for therapists (not zoom). Contact me by calling me at 612.230.7171, emailing me via my contact page, or clicking on the button below to self-schedule a free, 15-minute consultation.
I’m a couples therapy specialist that has helped many couples recover their marriages since Covid struck and would love to help you find a way out -together.