Plenty of studies offer results to prove how men and women respond differently to being cheated on. Generally speaking, men report being more jealous of sexual infidelity. On the other hand, women are more upset about emotional affairs.
This response holds true across the globe and throughout different cultures. While there is value in factoring in the prevailing trends, it’s wise to address these betrayals on a case-by-case basis — especially with same-sex couples. That said, each partner will most likely respond differently to adultery, and this reality can inform any effort toward healing.
What Is Infidelity?
“Cheating” isn’t as easy to define as it may seem. It’s up to each couple (Note: not each partner) to decide. As a result, in the digital age, “having an affair” could mean sexting or creating a secret emotional connection with someone online. More broadly, a couple could see betrayal in:
Particular acts only (from kissing to intercourse)
Giving your loyalty to someone other than your partner
Pornography
Hiring an “escort”
Emotional affairs
Keeping secrets from your spouse
In other words, this conversation must begin long, long before there is ever a chance of infidelity. Unless you have both consented to specific parameters, there is too much room for mixed messages and clever deceptions.
How Couples Responds to Infidelity and Why it Matters
Once the ground rules have been laid down — and broken by one of you — then comes the reaction. How each partner responds is essential because within that reaction may lie the key to recovery. For the sake of simplicity, I’ll break it down into the two most common categories:
Emotional
Reminder: You don’t have to take your clothes off to cheat. If your needs are emotional, you may seek to have them met elsewhere. It may be in-person; it may be virtual or “cyber.” Either way, the betrayed partner’s response will be based on:
The natural shock and anger of being deceived by your spouse
Hearing the news that they are seen as neglectful or cold
No partner is ever justified in cheating. The recovery here must involve remorse and accountability from the person who sought love elsewhere. It must also include an in-depth exploration of the underlying causes.
Physical
This aspect is what most people imagine when they hear a word like adultery. A person in a committed relationship has engaged in sex acts with someone other than their partner. When the cheater is caught or confesses, the response from their significant other will probably spring from:
The natural shock and anger of being deceived by your spouse
Feelings of shame and self-doubt about their looks or sexiness
Again, the onus is on the cheating partner to step up with the bulk of the post-affair work. However, there will also be a special kind of healing required to repair the intimacy and trust.
Weaving through both of the above categories is another motivation: revenge. If one of you feels invalidated or unappreciated, this can be used as an excuse to “punish” your partner. When this infidelity is disclosed, the response will probably blend all of the above factors.
You’ll Benefit from Counseling
Hopefully, it’s clear by now that it can be tricky to make generalizations after any post-affair fallout. Also, tensions and emotions are colliding. This response reduces the chances of clear-eyed communication.
Enter the couples counselor. When betrayal shatters a couple’s trust, it is crucial to have help from a professional guide. I’ve worked with couples, and I’ve seen reactions that run the full gamut.
I talk about this and other things in my affair recovery page, so check that out if you’re looking for more ways to reboot your relationship.
Finally, if you’re in Minnesota, I am doing video sessions for couples and would be happy to help. Contact me at 612.230.7171, email me via my contact page, or click on the link below to self-schedule a call with me to see if we’re a match.
Take good care.