When we think of 'nagging' in a relationship, it often carries a negative connotation, conjuring images of persistent complaining or unwelcome reminders. However, when viewed through the lens of attachment theory and emotionally focused therapy (EFT), this behavior can be recontextualized as a form of pursuit, a way of fighting for the relationship.

In the landscape of relationships, there’s a silent behavior that often goes unnoticed, yet can erode the very foundation of our closest bonds. I'm talking about the tendency to

. . . One effective method of ensuring healthy communication, even in the heat of the moment, is by using a "safe word" or "safe phrase" to pause conversations before they turn into full-blown arguments. Here’s how you can use this technique to nurture understanding and growth in your relationship.

In the spirit of utmost preparedness, just as a meticulous fire drill is planned on a bright, non-crisis day, the establishment of safe words in a relationship must also occur during periods of calm. This proactive approach is not merely about choosing a word that will serve as an emergency brake during an argument; it's about creating a comprehensive agreement in a serene setting, where both parties are clear-headed and harmonious—far from the maelstrom of heated emotions.

Sue Johnson's groundbreaking work on attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has revolutionized the way we understand and approach relationships. Central to her philosophy is the concept of "effective dependence," emphasizing the importance of emotional connection and secure attachments in intimate partnerships.

…This is where the idea of 'love languages' comes into play. Understanding and practicing love languages can be a game-changer in relationships, aiding in cultivating empathy, mutual understanding, and deeper connections.

Just like other systems like an airplane, that energy must be controllable to be predictable and useful to us. Nowhere is this energy dynamic more evident than during conflicts. . .

Relationships are a delicate dance of emotions, experiences, and expectations. At their best, they offer us love, support, and a sense of belonging. Yet, even in the healthiest of relationships, conflicts arise. . . One particularly detrimental behavior that can creep into our interactions is "dismissing."

Triggers are anything in the present that are close enough to things in the past that dropped you into fight, flight or freeze or fawn.

Romantic relationships can be like a rollercoaster ride, with ups and downs. But it's not about avoiding those downs; it's about how we deal with them. Because we come from different families than our partner or spouse, being able to repair is more important than avoiding hurts.

Sometimes, one big obstacle to fixing things in a romantic relationship is something called shame. And when that shame is directed at ourselves, it can make fixing things emotionally really tough.

I understand that people feel like they’d be opened up to criticism somehow if they go into couples counseling.  I do bring experience and training into the sessions.  The distinction I draw is that I’m discerning what’s going on.  I’m not trying to judge the people involved.

I like the definition of empathy from The Greater Good Magazine the best. It is: The ability to sense other people’s emotions, coupled with the ability to imagine what someone else might be thinking or feeling.

The most common mixup with empathy is to mistake it for sympathy. Empathy is you putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. This is opposed to sympathy where you’re letting them know you’ve experienced what they’ve experienced, and you know what it’s like.

A lot of the people I meet are high-achieving, high-performance individuals.  They’ve performed well in their careers because they’ve been extremely effective problem solvers.  But now in their relationships, they’re stymied because they can’t logic their way out of a disagreement about how to load the dishwasher. 

… it’s a generalization that has damaged a lot of heterosexual relationships because the woman in the marriage doesn’t get to feel supported by their husband, and the husband doesn’t feel heard by his partner.

I deal with a lot of people who poo-poo the need for emotions. Funny that happens to a therapist, huh? Most of what I see as “logical” in my sessions with couples is really avoidance. See my post on being logical vs. being withdrawn. But I really wanted to address some reasons why some leading thinkers proposed that we evolved emotions in the first place.

While logic has its place, fostering better relationships requires us to cultivate emotional intelligence. This vital skill involves understanding and managing emotions, both our own and those of others.

“I’m scared my spouse doesn’t love me anymore,” Is a refrain I’ve heard time and time again as a therapist. But I don’t often hear it in the company of the other spouse. Most often, I hear it in private, when I meet with the members of a couple individually so that I can hear honestly how they experience their relationship. It’s a heartbreaking admission, both for the person saying it and for me.

Owning your pain means saying that there’s a reason you’re feeling anger. Some people will recognize they’ve hurt their partner, but not recognize their own hurt. Maybe you feel like you don’t deserve to have pain when you’ve caused your partner pain. Maybe you’ve had the experience of the expression of pain “causing a fight” and keep it under wraps. But what happens when you don’t express it? When you deny that it exists? When you feel like you don’t have a choice but to “stuff it.?”

One powerful tool to navigate these difficulties and foster a deeper connection is understanding each other's love language. Popularized by Dr. Gary Chapman, the concept of love languages sheds light on how individuals express and receive love uniquely. How can understanding your spouse's love language significantly impact and enhance your marriage?

We make ourselves more vulnerable to our spouses than anyone else. The greater vulnerability we have with another person, the more we have to care for it and maintain it, lest it deteriorate. That’s only one of the reasons why apologies are important in marriages.