Dismissing Behaviors in Relationships: Recognizing and Responding
Relationships are a delicate dance of emotions, experiences, and expectations. At their best, they offer us love, support, and a sense of belonging. Yet, even in the healthiest of relationships, conflicts arise. While disagreements are natural, how we handle them determines the health and longevity of our bond. One particularly detrimental behavior that can creep into our interactions is "dismissing."
What is Dismissing?
At its core, dismissing is a way of invalidating or minimizing someone's feelings, thoughts, or experiences. It creates a barrier, preventing genuine connection and understanding. Recognizing and addressing dismissive behaviors can be the first step toward healthier communication.
Different Ways People Dismiss Each Other:
Ignoring or Stonewalling: Choosing to ignore or not respond to a partner’s attempts at communication can be deeply hurtful. This creates a wall of silence, making the other person feel unheard and unimportant. See this Gottman Institute article on “The Four Horsemen” of relationships.
Patronizing: This involves talking down to a partner, often in a condescending manner, as if they are less intelligent or less mature. Phrases like, "You're just being sensitive," or "You wouldn't understand," are classic examples.
Lecturing: This is the close cousin to patronizing, but sometimes carries a seed of actual facts, but the facts are really irrelevant to the emotional fight at hand.
Lecturing About Psychology: This is the “gifted and talented” version of lecturing. People can use anything to fight, and that means they can also use “psychology facts” to dismiss the other person’s experience.
Interrupting: Continually interrupting someone while they speak sends a message that their thoughts aren’t valuable or worth listening to.
Trivializing: Diminishing the importance of what someone feels or thinks. Comments like, "It's not a big deal," or "You're overreacting," fall into this category.
Defensiveness: Instead of listening and trying to understand a partner’s perspective, the person immediately becomes defensive, often shifting blame back onto the other person.
Gaslighting: A manipulative tactic where a person tries to make someone question their reality or sanity. Statements like, "You're imagining things," or "That never happened," are indicators of this behavior.
Changing the Topic: When faced with a difficult conversation, some people might steer the discussion in another direction to avoid addressing the issue.
Offering Solutions Instead of Empathy: Sometimes, we just want to be heard and understood. Jumping straight to problem-solving mode can feel dismissive when what's needed is a listening ear.
Body Language: Non-verbal cues like rolling one’s eyes, crossing arms, or sighing heavily can be just as dismissive as words.
The Impact of Dismissive Behaviors:
Dismissing behaviors don't just hurt in the moment; they can leave lasting scars. They erode trust, breed resentment, and diminish intimacy. Over time, if these patterns aren't addressed, they can lead to emotional detachment and even the end of the relationship.
Responding to Dismissive Behaviors:
Self-reflection: Before reacting, pause and reflect. Is this a recurring pattern? Are there external factors like stress or fatigue influencing behavior?
Open Communication: Address concerns in a calm, non-confrontational manner. Use "I" statements, like "I feel hurt when you ignore my messages," rather than accusatory "You" statements.
Seek Understanding: Ask open-ended questions. For instance, "Can you help me understand why you feel that way?"
Establish Boundaries: It’s essential to set clear boundaries regarding what behaviors are acceptable and which aren’t.
Counseling or Therapy: For deeply entrenched patterns or if both partners are struggling to communicate, seeking professional help can provide tools and strategies to improve the relationship.
Final Thoughts:
All relationships have their ups and downs. However, by recognizing and addressing dismissive behaviors, we can pave the way for more meaningful, respectful, and loving interactions. Remember, the key to a healthy relationship isn’t avoiding conflicts but navigating them with understanding and empathy. In fact, I’ll go even further - avoiding conflict in intimate relationships is impossible, and attempting to do so can get both people feeling disconnected and alone.
If you are finding yourself being dismissed, or don’t understand why your spouse or partner keeps saying you do, get help! If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.