Sue Johnson's groundbreaking work on attachment theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) has revolutionized the way we understand and approach relationships. Central to her philosophy is the concept of "effective dependence," emphasizing the importance of emotional connection and secure attachments in intimate partnerships. However, even the most well-intentioned couples can find themselves in situations where the very principles of effective dependence can get hijacked, leading to shutdowns, fights, and withdrawals. We’re going to look at what effective dependence is, and how it can get hijacked by powerful human survival mechanisms.
Understanding Effective Dependence
Effective dependence is rooted in the idea that emotional bonds and reliance on our partners are not signs of weakness, but rather essential components of healthy relationships. It encourages couples to express their needs, vulnerabilities, and desires openly, knowing they can trust their partner to respond with care and empathy. In theory, this approach leads to greater intimacy, deeper connections, and a sense of security in the relationship.
However, in the complex landscape of human emotions, things don't always go according to plan. Here are some common scenarios where effective dependence can get derailed:
Triggered Reactions
One of the key obstacles to maintaining effective dependence is triggers. What are triggers? They are anything in your present that look close enough to something you experienced in your past that dropped you into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. This is a survival mechanism that allows people to react quickly to life threatening situations that have come back a second time.
When a trigger shows up, partners may react defensively, critically, fawn, or not respond at all. These reactions can result in a breakdown of effective dependence as partners struggle to communicate effectively.
For example, if one partner had a parent who was emotionally distant, they might become triggered when their current partner needs emotional support. Instead of offering comfort and empathy, they might withdraw or become critical, unintentionally perpetuating the cycle of emotional distancing.
Fight, Flight, Freeze or Fawn Responses
When individuals feel threatened or vulnerable in a relationship, they can respond with a fight, flight, freeze or fawn reaction. This can manifest as heated arguments (fight), emotional withdrawal and avoidance (flight), emotional shut down (freeze), or a “codependent” fixation on the other partner’s needs that disregards one’s own needs (fawn). all these reactions are counterproductive to maintaining effective dependence.
For instance, during a disagreement, one partner might become overwhelmed by their fear of rejection or abandonment, leading them to lash out in anger (fight). Alternatively, they might shut down and withdraw emotionally or physically (flight), making it difficult for their partner to connect with them.
Communication Breakdown
Effective dependence relies on open and honest communication, but when emotions run high, communication can break down. Partners may struggle to express themselves clearly, and misunderstandings can easily occur.
In these situations, partners may become frustrated or defensive, compounding the issue and making it even harder to repair the emotional bond. What started as an attempt to connect and express needs can quickly devolve into a cycle of hurt feelings and miscommunication.
Navigating the Challenges
While the pitfalls of effective dependence are common, they can be navigated with effort and awareness. Here are some strategies for overcoming these challenges:
Self-Awareness
Individual self-awareness is the first step in addressing triggered reactions. Each partner should reflect on their own emotional history and identify patterns of behavior that arise when they feel threatened or vulnerable. By recognizing these patterns, individuals can take responsibility for their reactions and work towards healthier responses.
Emotional Regulation
Developing skills in emotional regulation is crucial. Both partners should learn techniques to manage strong emotions when they arise. This might include deep breathing exercises, mindfulness practices, or taking short breaks to calm down before engaging in a conversation.
Create a Safe Space
Incorporate Sue Johnson's EFT principles by creating a safe emotional space within your relationship. This means actively listening to your partner without judgment and showing empathy towards their feelings and needs. When both partners feel heard and validated, it's easier to maintain effective dependence.
Seek Professional Help
If the challenges in your relationship seem insurmountable, consider seeking the assistance of a trained therapist or counselor. EFT therapy, based on Sue Johnson's work, can provide a structured framework for addressing and repairing attachment issues within the relationship.
Practice Vulnerability
Encourage vulnerability by sharing your needs, fears, and desires with your partner. By fostering a climate of openness, you can strengthen the emotional connection and reinforce the idea that effective dependence is a safe and beneficial aspect of your relationship. You can read my piece on why vulnerability is not optional in marriages.
Sue Johnson's concept of effective dependence offers a powerful framework for creating and maintaining healthy, intimate relationships. However, the path to effective dependence is not always smooth, and it can be hijacked by triggered reactions, fights, and emotional withdrawals. By fostering self-awareness, emotional regulation, and open communication, couples can navigate these challenges and reap the rewards of deeper emotional connections and increased intimacy in their relationships.
Remember, it's not about avoiding conflict or discomfort but rather about learning to work through these challenges together, hand in hand, in the pursuit of a more profound and fulfilling connection. Check out my marriage counseling page to see how I think.If you are wanting help in your marriage, and would find it helpful to have an experienced professional to assist, contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.