In the landscape of relationships, there’s a silent behavior that often goes unnoticed, yet can erode the very foundation of our closest bonds. I'm talking about the tendency to dismiss our own pain. If you find yourself frequently pushing down your feelings to maintain peace or please your partner, it's time to pause and reflect. Are you trying to avoid the stigma of being labeled "the crazy one"? Do you worry incessantly about keeping your partner from fleeing? Or perhaps, you prioritize tending to your loved one's needs above your own? These actions, while well-intentioned, can unintentionally harm your relationship.
When you consistently ignore your pain, you’re not only denying your own emotional experience but also creating a breeding ground for resentment. Imagine this: each time you choose silence over expressing discomfort, a brick is laid down. Over time, you build a wall so high that it separates you from your partner. They continue, perhaps unknowingly, to hurt you, and the cycle perpetuates.
Let's delve deeper, shall we? By dismissing your pain, you might think you're avoiding conflict or making things easier, but what you're really doing is offering your partner a version of you that's incomplete. This can result in a shallow relationship, as true intimacy is nurtured through vulnerability and genuine expression.
Facing the Fear of Conflict
Many of us fear conflict, worrying it might end in disaster. It’s why you might shrink away from confrontations, dreading the outcome. But think about this: conflict, when approached healthily, can be incredibly constructive. It opens up lines of communication that would otherwise remain clogged with unspoken grievances.
It’s important to understand that expressing your pain doesn't make you "the crazy one." It makes you human. The portrayal of someone who brings up issues as irrational or overreacting is a damaging stereotype that dismisses legitimate concerns. The truth is, everyone has a right to their feelings, and recognizing this is key to a balanced relationship.
The Flight Risk
Do you find yourself playing down your own needs in a bid to keep your partner from leaving? It’s an understandable concern, but here’s the twist: by not sharing your true self, including your pain, you might inadvertently push your partner away. A relationship is a dynamic dance of give and take, and when one person is always giving, the rhythm is lost. There’s beauty in balance, and that includes the balance of emotional expression and needs.
Self-Sacrifice or Self-Sabotage?
It’s noble to care for others, but not at the expense of your own well-being. Taking care of someone else's needs over your own is a treacherous path that often leads to self-sabotage. Your needs are just as valid and deserve attention. If you’re constantly neglecting them, ask yourself: What message am I sending to myself and my partner? The likely answer is that your needs are secondary, which is not the case. Another word for this is fawning, and I cover what fawning is in the context of fight, flight, freeze, and fawn.
The Resentment Undercurrent
It’s crucial to realize that dismissing your pain can slowly but surely build resentment. This isn't a switch that flips overnight but a slow simmer that eventually boils over. Your partner, unaware of the hurt they're inflicting, can't make amends for something they don't know is wrong. Communication is the antidote to this poison.
Changing the Pattern
Admittedly, changing this pattern is tough, especially if you're someone who tends to withdraw or shut down during difficult conversations. But here's an encouraging thought: small steps can lead to significant changes. Start with writing down what you feel and practice saying it out loud to yourself. This rehearsal can build the confidence needed to express these feelings to your partner. In this post, I cover how you can get trapped in your own relationship pattern.
Remember, it's not about assigning blame. It's about opening a dialogue that says, "I love us enough to want to fix this." It's about striving for a partnership where both people are fully seen and heard.
The Essential Shift
The essential shift that needs to happen is to make your own needs known. It's not easy to change old patterns, but the health of your relationship hinges on this transparency. If you continually hide your pain, your partner isn't truly in a relationship with you—they're in a relationship with the persona you've constructed. To foster a deep, meaningful connection, all parts of you, including your pain, should be acknowledged.
The Relationship With Yourself
Finally, it’s essential to mention the relationship you have with yourself. By honoring your feelings, you're also affirming your own worth. It's a declaration that says, "I matter." When you respect your own pain, you teach your partner how to respect you as well.
If you find yourself hiding your pain to keep the peace, remember that true peace in a relationship comes from mutual respect and understanding, not from suppression. It actually takes a lot of courage to disclose your feelings vulnerably instead of with anger. Engage in open and honest communication, and give your partner the chance to know the real you, pain included. Your relationship will be stronger for it, built on a foundation of authenticity and deep emotional connection. And that's the kind of love that can weather any storm.
If you are finding yourself getting into repeated arguments and can’t stop a heated conversation, get help! If you want to know more about dynamics in relationships, look at my Marriage Counseling page. If you are in Minnesota, I can help in person or on video. Contact me by phone: 612-230-7171 or email through my contact page. Or you can click on the button below and self-schedule a time to talk by phone or video.