A caveat before we begin: This article applies to both married couples as well as committed relationships that don’t have exchanged rings.
It’s a myth that’s launched a thousand memes — and sit-coms and TV commercials, and so on. Men are the logical sex. Women are the touchy-feely types. Right? In my experience, it’s a generalization that has damaged a lot of heterosexual relationships (and some same-sex relationships) because the woman in the marriage doesn’t get to feel supported by their husband, and the husband doesn’t feel heard by his partner.
Wait. Doesn’t this scenario have men holding themselves up as superior because of their logic? Ironically, though that may happen, believing that men are more logical than women can take a toll on both sexes.
Invalidating Women
The flip side of the men/logic canard is the invalidation of women. Our culture values logic. We see men as more logical. Thus the narrative is that the way that men think is more valuable. It is also easy to label women as “too emotional.” This is code for “weak” or “hysterical” or “drama queen.” Whatever euphemism you choose, the outcome is detrimental to women.
Not believed when reporting a crime
Reduced to second-class status in powerful jobs
Loss of self-esteem from an early age
Invalidating Women Part II
Let’s go back to the term “hysterical.” It’s a word derived from the Greek “hystera” meaning uterus. It was believed that being hysterical was due to a defect in the uterus. Thus, only women could be hysterical. Nice, huh?
The Case For Emotions
I wrote an article on some prominent theories on how emotions came to be and how they help humans thrive. The encompassing argument for all of these theories is that the most important survival traits of humans are the ones that are the most common (“conserved” in biological parlance). Things like vision, speech, and large brains are common in the vast majority of humans. The theory goes that they are common because they endowed humans with a competitive advantage in a contest of evolutionary fitness. How does this apply to emotions? They too are exceedingly common. And in fact, those who are unable to feel any or few emotions have a more difficult time thriving.
Avoidance of Feelings
Dovetailing with the above two consequences is little discussed but very important dynamic. Sometimes men like to call themselves logical, but then use this accepted designation to avoid feelings. From a very young age, boys are conditioned to suppress emotions.
For example, there is nothing worse for their social status than to be seen crying. They lose their chance to learn the essential skill of expressing and processing feelings. To then be told by authorities, pop culture, etc. that you are more logical feels like a relief. If you fear showing vulnerability, how comforting it is to know this be perceived as a sign of rational thinking?
Avoidance of feelings by men comes with many costs, e.g.
A wide range of chronic physical symptoms and illnesses
Maintain a skewed, unfair perception of women and girls
Feelings emerge in the only “acceptable” emotion from extreme sports to extreme violence
Less likely to experience deep connections with others
Less likely to feel seen and understood by their partners
I’m guessing none of that sounds “logical” to you, huh? For the purposes of this post, let’s focus on the last item on the above list.
How Avoidance of Feelings Impacts Relationships
Reduces Understanding and Empathy
A big part of your connection is the sharing of emotions, thoughts, and ideas. When a man hides behind the logical myth, he prevents a deeper understanding by his partner.
Stymies Productive Communication
Communication between partners often relies on the expression of the “why.” Why did you act that way or say those words? It’s virtually impossible to answer such a question if you lock away your emotions.
Makes Your Partner Feel Unsupported
There will be many times when your partner needs you to take their side. Grieve with them. Celebrate with them. Share the inevitable and necessary roller coaster of emotions life provides. They will feel alone and unsupported without this solidarity.
Men are up against societal pressure and a lifetime of conditioning. It leaves their partners at a loss. If you are needing someone to help both of you sift through the emotional baggage that you both might have from social conditioning, I recommend using an EFT therapist. EFT stands for Emotionally Focused Therapy, and it seeks to sort out the underlying emotional dynamics that are hijacking your relationship.
If you’re in Minnesota, I can help. I’m an experienced EFT-trained therapist who has helped many couples with their underlying emotional dynamics. If you want to find out more, check out my thoughts on marriage and relationships. If you’re in Minnesota, you can work with me by contacting me either by phone: 612.230.7171, email me through my contact form.
Take Good Care.