Have you ever found it difficult—or even a little embarrassing—to openly discuss your physical intimacy with your partner? You’re not alone. For many couples, the idea of having an open conversation about sex and intimacy can feel awkward or even overwhelming. Yet, being able to talk authentically about your desires, preferences, and experiences is essential for a fulfilling, connected relationship.
In her groundbreaking book Come as You Are, sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski offers us a new framework for understanding desire and intimacy. Her science-based approach provides language that makes these sensitive conversations easier. By understanding and utilizing her concepts, couples can explore intimacy together in a deeper, clearer way.
Let’s dive into Nagoski’s core concepts and explore how you can use them to facilitate honest, empowering conversations with your partner about your physical connection.
Key Concepts from Emily Nagoski’s Approach
1. Sexual Accelerators and Brakes
Nagoski describes human desire as governed by two distinct systems: the Sexual Excitation System (SES) (the "accelerator") and the Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) (the "brake").
Accelerators are the factors or cues that spark your interest and desire for intimacy. This can be affection, emotional closeness, visual appeal, novelty, specific touch, or simply having the right mood or environment.
Brakes are factors that diminish desire or inhibit arousal. Common brakes include stress, anxiety, fatigue, insecurity, unresolved conflicts, or even something as simple as the presence of distractions.
Knowing how your accelerator and brake systems function helps you communicate clearly with your partner. Instead of vague frustration ("Why don’t I ever feel in the mood?"), you can articulate specifics ("I'm feeling a lot of stress right now, and it’s really applying the brakes").
2. Responsive vs. Spontaneous Desire
Nagoski also distinguishes between spontaneous desire (sexual interest arises seemingly out of nowhere) and responsive desire (interest emerges in response to emotional closeness, physical touch, or other cues). People often assume that spontaneous desire is the "correct" type, but responsive desire is equally common and entirely normal.
Understanding this can be transformative. Many couples feel discouraged because spontaneous desire doesn't happen as often as they expect. But knowing responsive desire is normal can ease pressure and open new ways to connect intimately.
3. Context Matters: The Power of Environment
According to Nagoski, desire doesn’t exist in isolation—it's profoundly influenced by context. Stressors, such as unresolved conflict, feeling unsafe emotionally, or external pressures, can dramatically reduce desire. Conversely, feeling secure, safe, and emotionally connected can significantly enhance it.
When discussing intimacy, it helps to think carefully about your shared context. You might ask yourselves:
What kind of environment helps each of us feel comfortable and engaged?
Are we trying to connect physically when we feel emotionally disconnected, stressed, or distracted?
How can we improve our environment—our emotional safety and connection—to enhance intimacy?
How to Talk About Intimacy Using Nagoski’s Language
Now that you understand these key concepts, here’s how to practically bring them into your conversations:
Start with Curiosity and Safety
When you approach these conversations, establish emotional safety first. Reassure each other that your goal is deeper connection and understanding, not criticism. Approach with curiosity, not judgment:
"I’d love for us to learn more about each other’s accelerators and brakes—what helps or hinders our desire."
Identify Your Accelerators and Brakes Clearly
Be specific. Rather than saying, "I’m never in the mood," try articulating:
"I’ve noticed stress about work really hits my brake and makes it hard for me to feel connected."
"When we have time to relax together without interruptions, that really hits my accelerator."
Encourage your partner to share their own accelerators and brakes, making space to acknowledge how they might differ from yours.
Talk about Spontaneous and Responsive Desire
Openly discussing responsive versus spontaneous desire can take the pressure off both of you:
"I think my desire might be more responsive—I don't always feel spontaneously in the mood, but when we spend time together first, my desire often emerges."
"When we have that emotional connection or cuddling first, it gives my responsive desire space to kick in."
Pay Attention to Your Context Together
Discuss how your environment and emotional state affect intimacy:
"Maybe we can prioritize resolving conflicts earlier so stress doesn't dampen our intimacy later."
"Could we create small rituals or habits—like spending time together before bed—that set a more relaxing, desire-friendly context?"
Real-Life Examples
Consider this exchange between partners:
Partner A: "Lately, when things get busy, intimacy feels harder for me. Stress really presses the brake pedal. When we make time to relax and talk first, it’s so much easier for me to connect."
Partner B: "That makes sense—I didn't realize how much your context affects your desire. For me, physical closeness helps lower my stress and hits my accelerator. How can we work together so both of our needs get met?"
This type of conversation removes blame and shifts the focus to collaboration and mutual understanding.
Moving Toward Connection and Understanding
Emily Nagoski’s model gives you a roadmap to better conversations about physical intimacy. Instead of seeing desire differences as a problem, you can see them as something interesting and important to explore together. When you know your accelerators and brakes—and understand each other’s context—you create opportunities for deeper emotional and physical closeness.
So, consider starting a conversation with your partner:
What hits your accelerator?
What hits your brake?
Is your desire responsive, spontaneous, or a combination?
How can we create a more nurturing environment for our intimacy?
Next Steps
If these conversations feel challenging or if you’re stuck in patterns of misunderstanding, professional guidance can help. As an EFT-trained therapist, I specialize in helping couples improve intimacy and communication. You don’t have to navigate this sensitive territory alone.
Feel free to contact me by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.
Talking openly about intimacy isn’t always easy—but it is always worthwhile. By using Nagoski’s clear, non-judgmental language, you and your partner can build a stronger, more fulfilling, and joyful physical connection.