One of the most common conversations couples struggle with in my office is talking openly about sexual desire. Maybe you've experienced it too: you and your partner want to connect sexually, yet something feels disconnected. Desire doesn't seem to flow as naturally as you'd hoped, and frustration or confusion follows. According to renowned sex educator and researcher Emily Nagoski, there's an invaluable concept that can help you navigate these tricky moments—it's called the "room next to desire."
In their powerful book, Come Together, Emily Nagoski and her co-author (and sister) Amelia Nagoski introduce the idea of "the room next to desire" to help couples better understand their sexuality and emotional intimacy. By exploring this concept together, you and your partner can have more meaningful conversations about desire, improve emotional safety, and ultimately cultivate deeper intimacy.
What Exactly is "The Room Next to Desire"?
Imagine your sexual desire as a room in your house. Sometimes, you can walk directly into that room, feeling spontaneous passion and excitement. But other times, the door feels closed—or at least hard to open. Nagoski suggests that when this happens, rather than standing in frustration outside the closed door of desire, you step into the "room next to desire."
In this adjacent room, you can still connect emotionally and intimately, without immediate pressure or expectation of sex. The room next to desire is about building emotional intimacy, safety, comfort, and relaxation. It involves creating contexts that can naturally lead to desire instead of trying to force your way into it directly.
Why You Need to Know About This Room
For many couples, talking openly about sex is hard enough—talking about the emotional and contextual factors around sexual desire can feel even harder. However, as Nagoski highlights, sexual desire isn't just about physical attraction or technique; it's profoundly influenced by the emotional environment, your overall stress level, your feelings of safety, and your sense of connection with your partner.
When you talk about the "room next to desire," you’re shifting the conversation from purely sexual logistics into emotional intimacy. You're acknowledging that your sexuality doesn’t exist in isolation—it’s intricately connected to your emotions, your stress, your daily experiences, and your relationship’s overall health.
How Can You Find Your "Room Next to Desire"?
Here are some practical ways to discover your room next to desire, based on Emily Nagoski’s approach:
1. Reduce Pressure and Expectations
Many couples unknowingly put intense pressure on themselves (and each other) to feel spontaneous desire. This pressure can create anxiety, activating emotional "brakes" that diminish your desire even more. By stepping into the adjacent room—where you're intentionally connecting without any expectation of sex—you remove this pressure. You simply focus on being emotionally present together.
2. Build Emotional Intimacy
When you're feeling disconnected sexually, invest energy into emotional intimacy. Prioritize time to talk openly, listen deeply, and share your day-to-day experiences with one another. Emotional closeness helps open the door to desire naturally and authentically.
3. Create Safe, Relaxing Contexts
Nagoski frequently highlights that sexual desire flourishes in contexts of relaxation and emotional safety. Rather than trying to push through stress to reach desire, intentionally spend time creating safe, relaxing contexts together. Whether it's a relaxing evening ritual, spending quality time together without distractions, or simply cuddling, these experiences often create pathways to genuine sexual connection.
4. Recognize Your Sexual Accelerators and Brakes
Understanding what activates (accelerators) and suppresses (brakes) your desire helps you enter the "room next to desire" more easily. By openly discussing these with your partner, you build greater understanding, empathy, and emotional closeness.
An Example of the Room Next to Desire in Action
Imagine this scenario: You and your partner are stressed by work, household demands, and parenting responsibilities. By the end of the day, the thought of immediately entering sexual intimacy can feel overwhelming or unappealing. Instead of becoming frustrated or feeling rejected, you decide to spend some intentional time together in the "room next to desire."
You might start by spending time simply holding each other, talking about your day, or quietly enjoying a show together—without pressure or expectation of sex. This reduces stress, strengthens your emotional bond, and often organically leads you both toward the "door" to desire. And even if it doesn’t immediately lead there, you've still nurtured your emotional intimacy and closeness, creating greater trust and safety for future intimacy.
Why Talking About This Is Important
Couples who openly talk about the emotional dynamics of desire—and explicitly discuss their "room next to desire"—tend to feel safer, more relaxed, and better able to navigate periods when desire doesn't spontaneously happen. They feel less pressure, less shame, and less misunderstanding. They learn to support each other in nurturing intimacy rather than expecting desire to be spontaneous and always available.
If you're ready to explore your "room next to desire" but find these conversations challenging, I’m here to support you. You can reach out by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or schedule a free consultation online.
Together, we can create conversations that build emotional intimacy, reduce the pressure of spontaneous desire, and nurture a richer, more fulfilling intimate connection in your relationship.