Have you ever noticed how much easier it is to reconnect with your partner when you’re away on vacation? Many couples find themselves more emotionally and physically close when they step away from daily life. Maybe you experience this too: you laugh more, communicate better, and find that intimacy becomes natural again. But why exactly does this happen, and why is it so challenging to maintain at home?
Let’s unpack this magic by turning to two insightful concepts from relationship experts Esther Perel and Emily Nagoski. Understanding their perspectives can help you recreate more of this connection in your everyday life, not just during vacation.
Esther Perel: Vacations Let You "Change Hats"
In her groundbreaking work, Esther Perel talks extensively about how we often juggle multiple roles in daily life—parent, co-worker, caregiver, house manager. Each role comes with responsibilities, demands, and stressors that pull your attention away from yourself, your partner, and your shared connection. At home, it can feel impossible to shift gears from your role as a parent or professional to your role as a lover or intimate partner.
But during vacation, Perel explains, you get a chance to "change hats." When you step away from everyday obligations, you are no longer just a parent, employee, or caretaker. You're free, even if only temporarily, from those identities that place demands on your time, attention, and emotional energy. Suddenly, you have permission to tune into yourself and your partner. You reconnect with who you are as lovers and companions, not simply as household managers or teammates raising children.
When you're away, you become less stressed, less defensive, and more open. You can truly see and appreciate each other. It's no wonder, then, that emotional intimacy and physical closeness feel so much easier.
Emily Nagoski: Vacations Remove Your "Brakes"
In her groundbreaking book Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski explains that each of us has "accelerators" and "brakes" when it comes to sexual desire. Accelerators are things that activate our interest and desire—romantic gestures, emotional closeness, novelty, relaxed environments. Brakes are the opposite: stress, unresolved conflict, tiredness, pressure, responsibilities, and distractions.
At home, daily stressors—like work deadlines, financial worries, household tasks, and parenting demands—often hit the brakes, making intimacy difficult to access. You might not even realize how frequently your sexual desire is being muted by everyday distractions and anxieties.
On vacation, many of these "brakes" naturally fall away. There's no demanding work schedule, fewer chores, and fewer logistical headaches. Instead, you're surrounded by environments designed to help you relax and slow down. This relaxed context makes it easier to feel interested in intimacy because your desire isn't being suppressed by constant stress. With fewer brakes, your natural accelerators—such as feeling relaxed, playful, and emotionally connected—can freely activate your desire.
Bringing Vacation Intimacy Back Home
Understanding these concepts can help you recreate some vacation-style intimacy in your daily life. Here’s how:
1. Create Opportunities to "Change Hats"
Establish boundaries: Schedule time where you're explicitly "off-duty" from your roles as a parent or worker. Regular date nights or intentional evenings free from responsibility can help you and your partner step out of your daily roles and reconnect.
Prioritize emotional intimacy: Re-create the conditions of vacation at home—turning off distractions, setting aside devices, and intentionally tuning into each other, even if only briefly.
2. Identify and Minimize Your Brakes
Manage stress actively: Since stress strongly inhibits desire, find daily habits that help you both unwind. This might include simple rituals like evening walks, a few minutes of conversation after the kids go to bed, or enjoying tea together before bedtime.
Resolve conflicts sooner: Small disagreements can build into big emotional barriers, pushing your desire’s brakes even harder. Commit to addressing issues early so resentment doesn't pile up and dampen intimacy.
Recreate relaxing contexts: Small touches—lighting candles, playing calming music, reducing clutter—can all help signal to your brain that it's okay to relax and enjoy intimacy.
Keep Your Relationship Thriving
Vacations don't have a monopoly on intimacy—they just show us what's possible when we remove stressors and pressures. By consciously applying Esther Perel’s idea of changing hats and Emily Nagoski’s model of accelerators and brakes, you can recapture vacation-level closeness in your everyday life.
If you’re struggling to maintain intimacy at home, remember that you're not alone. Relationships often need intentional effort and thoughtful adjustment to thrive consistently. For support, guidance, or personalized strategies to enhance your intimacy, I'm here to help.
Feel free to contact me by phone at 612-230-7171, email me through my contact page, or click the button below to schedule a consultation.
Talking openly about intimacy isn’t always easy—but it is always worthwhile. By using Nagoski’s clear, non-judgmental language, you and your partner can build a stronger, more fulfilling, and joyful physical connection.