One of the toughest truths I share with couples in my therapy practice is this: every relationship is inherently imperfect. No matter how much you love each other, no matter how committed you are, there will be times when you hurt, disappoint, or misunderstand one another. These moments aren’t signs of a failed relationship—they’re simply proof of being human. And how you navigate these inevitable mistakes can actually strengthen your relationship more than avoiding mistakes altogether.
Here’s why apologizing effectively—even imperfectly—is often the best thing you can do for your relationship.
Imperfection Is Inevitable—and Important
You might find yourself thinking, “If only we never fought or disagreed, we’d have a perfect relationship.” Yet, that idealized vision ignores a fundamental reality: relationships involve two unique, imperfect people who are bound to bump into each other’s edges occasionally.
As a therapist, I can tell you: avoiding conflict isn’t actually healthy. If you try too hard to “keep it safe” and prevent disagreements at all costs, you'll likely avoid genuine vulnerability and intimacy. You'll keep parts of yourself hidden, limiting the depth of your connection.
This limiting of connection, while it may seem reasonable to some people, an actually generate attachment distress in others. This has the unintended consequence of more fights in your relationship.
True closeness requires openness, vulnerability, and yes—sometimes messiness. I’d rather you take the risk of speaking your truth (even if it leads to temporary discomfort) than live behind an emotional wall. Imperfect interactions lead to growth, learning, and ultimately, deeper intimacy.
(For more insights into embracing vulnerability, check out my post on "Healthy Communication in Couples".)
Why Apologizing Is More Important than Never Making Mistakes
John Gottman’s research on successful relationships consistently shows that the healthiest couples aren’t the ones who never argue—they’re the ones who repair effectively after conflicts. In other words, an effective apology (repair) is actually more important than trying never to mess up at all.
Repair is essential because every successful act of apologizing effectively builds a sense of safety, trust, and resilience within your relationship. You demonstrate to your partner: “Even when things get tough, I’m committed to making things right. I won’t run from hard conversations.” Over time, effective repair strengthens your bond and creates lasting emotional security.
How to Apologize Effectively (Even if Imperfectly)
Here's what effective apologies usually include:
Clearly acknowledging what happened.
“I realize I was dismissive of your feelings last night, and I see how that hurt you.”Expressing genuine remorse.
“I’m really sorry. It wasn’t fair to you, and I regret that I made you feel unimportant.”Taking responsibility without excuses or deflection.
“I messed up. I own that.”Expressing willingness to make amends and do better next time.
“Next time, I want to slow down and really listen. I promise I’ll do my best to show you that I care.”Giving your partner space and time to heal.
"I know you might still feel upset, and that’s okay. Take the time you need—I’m here."
(For a more detailed look at these steps, check out my blog "How to Apologize to Your Partner Effectively".)
Why the Imperfect Apology is So Powerful
Here's a freeing truth: your apology doesn’t have to be flawless to be effective. It just needs to be authentic, heartfelt, and clear. When you attempt to repair—even imperfectly—you demonstrate that your relationship matters deeply to you.
Your willingness to show up, acknowledge mistakes, and genuinely try to do better will mean more to your partner than getting it right every time. It’s through these small but sincere acts of repair that your relationship develops resilience, a crucial component of emotional intimacy.
When you become skilled at repair, you send your partner the message: “We can handle hard moments together. We don’t have to avoid difficult conversations because we trust each other enough to face them and heal.”
Take the Risk of Imperfect Vulnerability
So, instead of striving to avoid every possible conflict, I encourage you to embrace imperfection. Lean into hard conversations. Be courageous enough to say, “I’m sorry. I messed up. Can we make this better?”
I promise you: imperfect apologies, spoken from a place of sincerity, are incredibly healing. They reinforce your commitment, help you both feel safer, and nurture the kind of trust that truly sustains relationships.
Remember, connection thrives in vulnerability—not perfection.
Need Help Navigating Conflict and Repair?
If you'd like support learning how to apologize effectively or managing conflict better in your relationship, I'm here for you. Contact me by phone at 612-230-7171, reach out via my contact page, or schedule a consultation online.
Together, we can create a space where imperfection is embraced and repair becomes the foundation of your lasting intimacy and resilience.